Honor

I know today is a day of BBQ's and family time. It's also a day to remember and thank those who serve in the military.

Today I honor:

My uncle, Marine CPL Edwin J Falloon, killed in action in Vietnam. He was only 20 and scheduled to return home 10 days after he was killed.
My grandfather, Edward Travis, stationed in North Africa and Italy during WWII. His entire crew was shot down, but as the mechanic for the B-52 Bombers he was on the ground and survived.
Grandfather In Law Chandler Harrison, Aircraft Carrier Pilot during WWII, stationed in the Pacific.

I also thank all those family members that served and are still living:

My dad, Scott Travis, served as a medic in the Army during Vietnam
My father in law, Wayne Harrison Sr., an NCO in the Army/tank division
Brother in Law's Allen Harrison and Jessie Harrison, Infantry in the Army
Brother In Law Gene Harrison, 1st Sergeant in the Army

Sucker Punches

A couple boxes arrived at our door yesterday. They’re for a very small very part time business opportunity I’m considering, but that’s a whole different post. The conversation that followed their arrival went something like this…

Ryan: “Are those for me?” (big saucer eyes and barely hidden excitement)

Mom: “No, they’re for me.” (big saucer eyes and barely hidden excitement)

Ryan in a very matter of fact voice: “Oh, is it your medicine?”

Mom: “Thankfully, no.”

IVF medications aren’t readily available at the local pharmacy, so they must be ordered. They arrive in a huge box, sometimes more than one, and often wrapped in dry ice. I remember exactly how I felt when I got that first box. Anticipation, excitement, wonder and so much dread. Multiple bags filled with different sizes of needles. Needles that I would be using on myself, or worse my husband would be using on me! What the hell? After getting over my initial shock at all the needles, I went on to look at just how many different medications I would be pumping into my body over the next two months and more if a pregnancy was achieved. For that first IVF, I ended up with 4 shots and 11 pills each day. It rocked.



It’s been 14 months since I received one of those boxes and yet my 5 year old remembers them. I wonder if he also remembers what a bad mom I was during those months of Lupron induced bitchiness. Just when I think I’ve moved past infertility it sucker punches me.

Oddly enough, even though it’s painful I don’t mind a sucker punch every now and then. It reminds me to be thankful for my children. It reminds me to be thankful I’m not actively trying for more children currently. It reminds me of a very difficult time in my life and therefore it reminds me that we persevered and came through it stronger than we entered. It reminds me that just because we want something that doesn’t mean we’re going to get it. It reminds me to be mindful of the journey even though the arrival is what I want. It reminds me that I have arrived!

Three

Yep, three. Three periods since I stopped breastfeeding. The first came exactly when I expected, a couple weeks after I stopped breastfeeding. The next came 28 days later. When it began I thought "No freaking way! Twenty Eight days...a normal 28 day cycle??? I am the queen of the messed up menstrals, I NEVER have 28 day cycles. Hmmm, maybe this pregnancy knocked something into place and I'm normal now." Ha ha ha. Are you waiting for the other shoe to drop? You should be, and I should have pushed the thoughts of normalcy out of head. Eleven, that's right 11, days after my second period arrived the third one did. Stellar.

Couch Duty for Ryan

We spent the day at the doctor's office and the hospital today...ugh! Ryan goes from having a minor cold to RAD and Pneumonia overnight. It kills me how quickly it comes on and he's so laid back about it that it's hard to know just how sick he is. After two breathing treatments, multiple does of steroids and a chest x-ray we're home...for now. Poor kid has to miss the last couple days of school, as well as his final soccer game this weekend. I'm hoping that his inhaler keeps him out of the hospital. Last time this happened we both had our first ambulance ride, spent 10 hours in the ER and then enjoyed a pleasant 3 day stay in isolation. Should be fun trying to keep my very active 5 year old on the couch. Poor kid!

Oh, just to make the day perfect, I arrived home to a summons for Jury Duty. While I've always wanted to serve Jury Duty, now isn't the time for numerous reasons. Fabulous.

Who Am I?

Who Am I?
· I am Chandra
· I am a Mother
· I am a Wife
· I am an over achieving perfectionist
· I am infertile
· I am trying to lose weight and be more fit
· I am losing so much hair!
· I am afraid of failure
· I am a mini van driving “soccer mom” (according to my brother)
· I am a huge fan of flip flops
· I am pretty trendy (if I do say so myself)
· I am cute in a girl next door kind of way
· I am an Interior Designer at heart, now if I can just get that degree
· I am a good friend, usually
· I am blind as bat…yes, I’m finally admitting it.
· I am fun to go dancing with
· I am procrastinating going to the doctor for a skin cancer check and getting a couple moles removed.
· I am afraid of what they might tell me.
· I am trying to decide what to with our frozen embryos
· I am sad when I think of them
· I am sad when I think of our babies that didn’t make it
· I am way behind on my housework.
· I am freckled
· I am competitive
· I am sometimes funny
· I am emotional lately
· I am finally happy with my naturally curly hair
· I am happy
· I am an optimist, glass half full kind of girl
· I am late…for a walk around the park with a friend…which means…
· I am done with my list

Who are you?

Traditions...

When I was growing up we went for ice cream after school programs. Often other families were at the local ice cream shop as well and there were lots of smiling faces and laughter. I usually got a chocolate malt, my mom chose a hot fudge sundae, I believe my step dad often went with a chocolate cherry blizzard and, sadly, I don't remember my brother's choice, although I'm sure it had vanilla ice cream because that's his favorite.

Tonight another generation began the ice cream tradition. The kindergarten and K-Readiness classes had a program at school. They showed off some of their "skillz" and then sang a song. After leaving the school, the 4 of us went to a new ice cream shop that opened today. Ryan saw a classmate walking in, as we were pulling up. He was so excited, yelling out to his friend, opening the car door almost before we'd stopped. Once inside the boys monkeyed around, sat next to each other, shared their ice cream and had a grand time. I chatted with a couple of moms, and even saw our neighbors. It was surreal. I don't feel old enough to be the parent...and yet I am. Tradition has come full circle. It's pretty great to recall things I did as a kid, share that memory with my kids, and do them again.

Tradition.

Babies in Hats!

Have I mentioned how much I love babies in hats? I love babies in hats! I love my baby in hats! Isn't she cute?!

School Days

This morning as I dropped Ryan off at school he saw a friend who was arriving at the same time. He hopped out of the car as quickly as possible and yelled "Hi Alli Beth!" She yelled "RYAN!!!" ran over to him and linked arms. Another little boy linked with his other arm and the three of them walked into school. I held up the drop off line because I was watching the scene play out. It was so cute and made me happy to see Ryan enjoying his friends.

He's so excited for summer and lots of "stay home days" but I think he's really going to miss seeing his friends every day.

4 months cont...and IKEA!

Just a quick update. Makenna's 4 month appt went well. She weighed in at 16 lbs 6 oz and 24 1/4 inches long. My girl is huge! The pediatrician guesstimated her to be about 5'8" as an adult if she continues on her current growth curve. It's funny to compare her to Ryan, because at Ryan's 4 month appt he was in the 10th percentile for weight, while Makenna is 97th. She's also at 75th percentile for height and Ryan was about 45th percentile. Shots went well, she didn't seem to have much of a reaction at all other than sleeping a bit more than usual. This was a good thing because my stepdad and I decided to go to Atlanta after her appointment. I had mentioned wanting to go to IKEA and we decided to be spontaneous and go. By the way, it was AWESOME! I love IKEA and can't wait to make another trip down there. Maybe next time we'll see more of Atlanta than IKEA and Whole Foods.

4 months!

Dear Makenna,

Today you are 4 months old! I can hardly believe how quickly your baby months are flying by.

What's new in your world? Let's see, you've begun sleeping through the night! You started just over a week ago and have only had one night since then where you got up. I really like my sleep so I've been pretty excited about this recent development. About that same time you started batting at toys. You mostly use your hands for this task, but I've seen you use your feet when on your playmat. You show no indication of rolling over, probably because you hate tummy time and love to be held or sitting up in your bouncy chair or bumbo. Wait!!! You just rolled onto your side! I'm sitting next to you, while you lay on your playmat, typing this. I guess you wanted to prove me wrong and show that you'd be rolling before we know it.

You go to bed so easily now! I can tell when you're getting tired at night because you rub your eyes, move a lot, get fussy, and suck on your finger/knuckles. Provided you've had enough to eat, when this occurs I can lay you down in your crib without a peep. You then proceed to rub your head back and forth or if I stand there for a minute you'll rub your nose across my hand and try to suck on my palm. When you're in your swing, bouncy chair or car seat you rub the side of your face up and down on the fabric when you want to go to sleep. I'm not sure why this is your chosen method of soothing yourself, but it's cute.

Now comes a big topic....hair! We're both losing it. You've lost all the curls on top of your head, and you've rubbed a big bald spot on the back of your head. What's left is pretty wispy and kind of looks like old man hair. I still can't tell what color it's going to be, but I think the red may be gone. When you had it as a tiny baby, I was hopeful that you'd keep it. As I said before, you aren't alone in the hair loss department. I've developed a nice receeding hairline and my normally very thick head of hair has thinned out a ton. I'm contemplating cutting it all off, but not sure that's the best idea as we head into the humid summer months.

Your eyes are lightening up. Ryan and I both have eyes that change based on what we're wearing. Sometimes they look blue, other times green or gray, I think yours may be the same. So far they seem to fall in the grayish blue range, but there's still time for them to change. You also seem to be blessed with the same long eyelashes your brother has. Lucky girl that you are, they curl up almost to your eyebrows right now.

You have a temper little missy! You want what you want when you want it and if I can't provide it right then, you let me know how frustrated you are with me. The car is the worst for this. Because I can't get to you, you'll scream so long and hard that you turn red and choke, and often you end up with little red spots all over your face. We're often out and about, but you're much happier when we stay home all day. You get really irritated with me if you spend too much time in your car seat.

During this past month you got to meet your Grandma and Grandpa Harrison. You were all so infatuated with each other. I was sick for most of the week they were here, so you spent A LOT of time with your Grandma. They were both so sad when it was time to go home, since I'm not sure when we'll see them again.

You LOVE Ryan, and he LOVES you. One of the reasons it was so important for your Dad and I to add to our family is that we wanted Ryan to have a sibling. We knew he would love having a sister or brother and we wanted him to have someone to grow up with and share his life with. Your dad and I don't live by our siblings, but I think about at least one of them almost every day. I wish we lived closer and know that if I ever needed anything I could call on any of them. We wanted Ryan to have a person like that too. It's so sweet to watch the two of you grow into your relationship and I hope you'll always love each other as much as you do right now. Don't get me wrong, I know you'll fight as you grow up, but I hope those fights are long gone when you reach adulthood and I hope you'll always be there for each other.

I put you down for a nap awhile ago and now you're waking up. I'm off to feed you and play some patty cake. We rock the patty cake game! Oh, one more thing, you belly laugh now! Time can get away from me as I sit and play with you trying to get one of those belly laughs out of you.

I love you baby girl!
Mom

P.S. - Your 4 month checkup is next week, I can't wait to find out how much you've grown

P.P.S.S. - Your Nana and Papa arrive today. Papa hasn't seen you since you were a week old, and Nana hasn't seen you since you were two weeks old. They are gonna love playing with you and watching your eyes twinkle and your dimples pop out when you smile.

I come by this naturally...

My crunchy tendencies are starting to make themselves known.

I come by them naturally. For goodness sake, my parents live in a house made of tires filled with rammed earth and tin cans. What could be more crunchy than that? Plus, I was born and raised in Colorado, need I say more?

Enough of the rationalizing, let me get to my point. My brother was here for a visit early this year. While here, he saw us heating a "cocoa coffee" for Ryan in the microwave. (Cocoa Coffee is warmed milk with a little ovaltine or nestle quick mixed in.) Ryan has been drinking this most mornings for a couple years now and since he started this at a young age cocoa coffee's were served in a sippy cup. For whatever reason, we never got out of the habit. Moving on, I remember hearing a couple years ago that you shouldn't heat plastic in the microwave, but I guess I'd conveniently forgotten. My brother, made mention of that little fact and also let me know that plastics with the numbers of 3,6 and 7 have been found to leach toxins and shouldn't be used with food at all. At the time Makenna had just been born, it was all I could do to keep my head above water. I heard what he said, but didn't make many changes, other than not heating plastic in the microwave. Fast forward a few months, and I have a bit more time on my hands. I start to research. The more I research, the more concerned I become about exposure to some plastics. Studies are showing that exposure to #7 plastic can cause reproductive, neurological and developmental issues. The more I read the more freaked out I get and more things I begin to throw away! My husband thinks I may have jumped off the deep end, but is trying to be supportive as he watches the plastic plates, bowls and cups hit the box marked good will. Spatulas, air tight containers, and silverware didn't even make it to the box...they hit the trash or were reused for things not food related. My collection of baby bottles will be thrown out, which hurts since I have a bunch. It seems as though each time I turn around, I find something else that needs to go. This morning as I packed Ryan's lunch, I looked at the little container of applesauce I was about to throw in, guess what, it's in #7 plastic. He got a banana instead. For those with baby's that are eating stage 1 baby food, the G.erber stuff is packaged in #7. I could go on, but I'll stop now. If anyone wants some links to studies or plastic info, I'd be happy to send you some or just Goo.gle Bisphenol A or BPA's. I'm trying not to think about the fact that Ryan's exposure has been huge over the last couple years between bottles, dishes and food packaging.

Freak out number one concluded, now on to number two.

This isn't so much of a freak out, just a consideration. While pregnant I researched diapers other than disposable. Knowing myself and my husband, I wasn't sure that cloth diapers would work for us but I found something called the g diaper. It's a cloth outer with a disposable inner panel that you can flush! They are barely more expensive than P.ampers and I loved the fact that you can flush the inner panel and not add to our ever growing landfills. Many eye rolls later, I decided not to pursue this option. Fast forward a few months and I've bought a starter pack of G Diapers and am trying them out as we speak. The liner flushes fine, no toilet clogs so far, and they seem to do a good job at keeping M's skin dry. I don't think we'll use them all the time, but maybe just during the day when we're home. Every little bit helps, right?

Ok, I'm done with my public service announcements for today. Are you rolling your eyes at me or about to run to your kitchen and see how many things you use on a daily basis that are in #7 plastic?

3 Months Old

All bundled up at Ryan's soccer practice

Check out my chub!


Pretty girl. (Thanks for my cute dress Aunt Sheryl)

He called my bluff...

Ryan hates to get up and go to school in the morning. Once he's there he has a good time and he enjoys it, but we often battle in the morning. He tells me he doesn't want to go to school and I tell him that isn't an option, then we spend the next 45 minutes with him throwing a fit and me trying to get him out the door. I've been trying to reason with him and tell him that if he doesn't go to school he has to spend the entire day in him room, only leaving to go potty. No TV, no bike, no soccer, no video games, no CD's, etc. Well yesterday he called my bluff and decided he wanted to do just that.

I figured it's better to learn this lesson now, while in Pre-K, but I wasn't looking forward to the day. He started out the day in bed, gloating, thinking he'd won. He was content to be in his room, smiling, telling me he loved me. Then the reality hit. At 11 the first fit occured and there were lots of tears and talk of being bored. He cried himself to sleep and woke up telling me he wanted to go somewhere, but not school because it's boring. My response was nope, sorry, you made your choice and now you have to live with the consequences. Makenna and I ate lunch with him in his room and then left him alone again, at which point he realized it was sunny out. Another fit ensued, he thought it was a nice day and wanted to be outside riding his bike. More tears and more of me saying "I'm so sorry, it's such a bummer you can't go out and play. Some times it's hard to live with your choices isn't it?" Poor kid, thought he was getting sympathy from me, until he realized I wasn't going to let him go out. About midafternoon I went in again while Makenna was napping. We had a snack, read some books and then talked about the day and how hard it was. Again he thought that meant he was done in his room, so as I was leaving a bunch more tears. I thought there would be a point where he would start throwing things in his room, slamming the door, anything to make me angry. It never happened, just lots of whining and crying. At 5 I finally gave in. We chatted again, at which point he told me school was way more fun. So he was tasked with cleaning his room and then told he could come out and have dinner with the family.

This morning was great. He hopped up and said he was ready for school. Listened to everything the first time, was in a good mood and didn't give me grief about anything. When we were in line waiting to drop off he said "I'm glad I get to go to school today"

So, the battle was won but somehow I think the war has just begun. Time will tell, but for now I'm going to enjoy the stress free mornings!

As a side note, by the end of the day I couldn't decide if I was a really good parent for sticking to my guns, or a really bad parent for even suggesting that such a day could happen. A reminder to me that I have to be willing to follow through with consequences.

Late again

No, not that kind of late. I'm infertile, remember?

Happy 3 Month Birthday Makenna!

You are growing so fast! Before you arrived I told myself I'd relish each stage and never wish that you were hitting milestones quicker, but I never thought I'd have to wish you'd grow slower...much, much slower! Every day it seems like something changes with you. I love watching you discover the world but I can't believe my little baby is already 3 months old!

This month has been full of exciting changes. The most fun being that you've found your voice and you love to use it! You and I spend a lot of time staring into each others eyes and having intent conversations. Your favorite word is "agooo" and you giggle when I repeat it back to you. Your favorite place to chat is lying on your changing table. Since this is our normal place for conversation you're a little confused when I'm all business in the middle of the night. You, however, always have other ideas. You catch my eye and start to grin and coo and before I know it I'm smiling and talking to you.

You're in such a good mood when you wake up in the morning. Just this past week you've starting hanging out in your crib and chatting until I come and get you so we can take your brother to school. Before this you usually woke up crying, so I have to admit, I really enjoy listening to you stretch your vocal cords when tears aren't part of the deal.

You aren't a big fan of your car seat when you're awake, but it's your favorite place to sleep during the day.

You love to be outside, which is good since your brother Ryan has a new found love for his bike. He also started soccer again a couple weeks ago. You love going to his practices and games, except for this morning because it was about 30 degrees.

When you want to eat, you want to eat! We've all figured out your cries now and even your brother recognizes that "neeeehhhhhh neeeehhhhhh neeeeehhhhhhhh" means you're hungry.

You have the chubbiest cheeks. I love to sqeeze them with an accompanying noise. You think it's hilarious. You also love to play Pattycake. Unless you're really tired or hungry it always makes you grin.

You'll hang out for 15 or 20 minutes by yourself now! Your play mat is starting to hold some interest for you, I've caught you batting at the toys that hang from it or intently watching your brother move them around. You also like to lay on it for tummy time because there are lots of designs to look at.

Your eyes twinkle when you're happy. I love to watch them go from serious or teary to smiling and twinkling. It's an incredible transformation and one that can take place in the blink of an eye.

You're down to just one medication a day, instead of two. The one you're still taking is very minty. You aren't a big fan of the flavor, but you're so good about taking it. Hopefully we'll be able to wean you off that one before to long as well, since your reflux seems to be getting a bit better.

You spit up all the time. Did I already tell you that in an earlier letter? If so, it's worth mentioning again. You and I change our clothes numerous times each day and Ryan has a lot of fun guessing who's going to be spit up on next. We went to your Daddy's office so he could show you off to the people he works with, and he told them before we arrived that you always smell like spit up. You don't, but it sure feels that way some days.

You are really developing a personality and just like Mommy you like to go out and do things. We're going to have some serious fun when you get older!

I love you baby girl!
Mom

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Words of Wisdom

Ryan, Makenna and I were at the park yesterday after school, taking advantage of the beautiful day. While there, Ryan found a little boy to play with who was there with his grandmother. Since the boys were playing we started to chat and she said "I just want to tell you to cherish this time. It can be hard and trying to have two small children at home, but the time goes so quickly." It's a sentiment I've heard many times, and one that has gone in one ear and out the other while I think to myself "I know the time goes by quickly and of course I cherish my children and my time with them." Yesterday was different. There was no metal eye roll, no sarcasm, just recognition of the truth in her words.

Growing up I thought I could do it all, be the mother, wife and career woman. My mom did it and did it well. I could too. Then infertility hit and my thoughts about what was important changed. I still thought I could do it all, but did I want to? I decided that my career could wait, I would spend as much time with my kids as I could...if I could just have them. When Ryan arrived I never even considered going back to work, the plan was to evaluate the situation in a year. It was what I wanted, it was what his dad wanted, it was best for Ryan, it was the right thing to do, it was still...hard. Suddenly I felt like I'd lost my identity. I was a go getter, an over achiever, driven. I felt as though I'd walked away from all of that. It took about a year for me to realize that I was using those qualities to do the best and most important job ever and that was to raise a good man. A difficult job for an over achieving perfectionist but well worth the challenge, and so far I think we're on the right track.

Back to the grandma at the park. I wish I could tell her thank you for stating the obvious and reminding me to live in the moment and be mindful. Mindful of just how much I enjoy my children and how lucky I am to spend so much time with them. In leaving my "career" I didn't lose my identity, I found it. I'm a mom! The career that provides financial gain will come later, but for now, I couldn't have a better job...or a better life.

Ryan is R..R...R...Reading!!!

It's official, Ryan is reading! I'm so proud of him and excited. He's been showing signs of reading for a while now, and has read books with us, but yesterday he brought home a new book from school and proceeded to sound out all the words and read it from cover to cover. No help from me and the only mistake was pronouncing O.K. as oak. I can't believe how quickly he is growing right now, not physically (the poor kid is still on the small side) but maturity and mastering of new skills are increasing in leaps and bounds. Go Ryan!

Under Construction...

Like the new look? Still needs some tweaking, but it's almost done!

Two Months!

Dear Makenna,

Today you're two months old! It's amazing how much you've changed over the last month.

• You're a lot more alert and awake these days and when you look at things you look at them with intention instead of just staring.
• You started smiling at 7 weeks. Well, that was when I knew the smiles were intentional because I was able to get more than one at a time.
• I've caught you sucking your thumb a few times, although it's still really hard for you to get to your hands.
• You really dislike the pacifier, however, you'll take it every once in awhile. You're particular though and will only take the one they gave you in the hospital.
• You absolutely hate getting dressed, but you love to get undressed. In fact you usually send a smile or two my way while laying on your changing table with little on but a diaper.
• You enjoy bath time, but start to cry the minute I take you out of the water and continue to do so until you're fully clothed.
• You have curly hair! It usually lays flat after you're in your carseat but you have a curl on the top of your head that stands up no matter what. You also have the same cowlick on the back of your head that your dad and brother have.
• You have a dimple in your left cheek!
• You have a birthmark on the back of your neck with a smaller storkbite in the center and another faint birthmark between your eyebrows.
• Your feet are huge! Sorry, but it's true. You can thank your dad for that one. At two months they're almost as big as your brothers were when he was 10 months.
• You love sitting in your brothers lap and looking at his face. It's one of the places that you're most content.
• You like to be held...a lot!
• You're a trooper about taking your medicine. You used to spit them out, but usually swallow them without a fit now.
• You're starting to get the hang of that thing called sleep.
• You love to eat and have the cutest cheeks. Well, everything about you is cute and no I'm not biased.
• You like your swing but not your bouncy seat and given the choice the bumbo seat wins every time. These devices are saved for dinner and showers because as I mentioned, you'd rather be held.
• You sleep with your hands near your face and when you wake up you have the biggest stretches and yawns.
• We spend a lot of time dancing in the kitchen at night. You especially love a cd that I made for my Mom for her birthday.

Your two month appointment with the pediatrician is later this week. I can't wait to find out how much you've grown. That said, I almost wish you'd slow down, you're getting too big too fast and this time will be gone before I know it. There will be a photo shoot tomorrow to document your second month, hope you're ready to model.

Love,

Mom

What a difference a day makes

Wow, it's amazing how things turn on a dime when you have a little one. Yesterday and today have been so much better than the couple previous days. It probably helps that I've been more diligent about her meds. It also helps that it's the weekend and Daddy and I split the night shift. A little more sleep for me and my mood suddenly elevates.

Today is Makenna's two month birthday! I can hardly believe how quickly the time has passed, it seems like she should be just a couple weeks old. She must have known today was special because she gave lots of smiles and even a few coos. We spent the day doing things around the house. The biggest job was cleaning Ryan's room and getting rid of some of the toys he doesn't play with anymore and clothes he's grown out of. It felt great to check that off my to do list!

Thanks for the support on my last post, I felt the love!