Today is one of those days for me. One of the days where something terrible happened and you remember everything about it. I only have a few of those times in my life where I remember where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, etc.
Some of them include:
The Challenger exploding – I was in Earth Science class. Sitting at a table next to my friend Cheryl. It was announced over the loud speaker and suddenly you could hear a pin drop in a school filled with kids. I remember the tears in Mr. Whited’s eyes as he tried to explain what had happened.
Princess Diana’s death – We were in Pennsylvania. We’d attended the wedding of friends the evening before and had woken up in our hotel room and turned on the news. Instantly we saw footage of the crash and I was glued to the TV for at least half an hour.
The Death of my Grandmother – She was my first grandparent to pass away. I’d been at an Ashley McIssac concert the night before and stayed with my friend Molly. I’d come home to change before heading to work and there was a message from my mom on our answering machine. I remember dropping to my knees and crying and then finally calling my mom.
On this day a year ago I was preparing spinach lasagna for our dinner that night. Ryan was watching cartoons and Makenna was taking her morning nap. I was wearing pink sweats and a blue mellow mushroom shirt and listening to Dave Matthews Band. The phone rang and it was Janna (Jenna’s mom), telling me Jenna wasn’t doing well and the doctors had called and asked the family to come. Janna wondered if I could come over and watch the kids so she could go to the hospital. I grabbed a bottle for M, threw food in the fridge, pulled Makenna out of her crib, Ryan grabbed the diaper bag and we were on our way. I called Barbara to see if she could watch the kids, so I could drive Janna to the hospital. She got there just in time. By the time I’d made it back to Jenna’s house, Barbara was coming out of the house to tell me that Jenna and William had passed away. I was on the phone with Jacy so the three of us sat there and cried for a few minutes and then Barbara and I had to suck it up, reign in the tears and go inside with all of our kids. I remember waiting for Janna and Mark to come back and I remember the look on Ashlee and Kaity’s faces. We had planned to get happy meals and the girls were upset that they wouldn’t be getting one. I think they knew the minute their dad walked in the door, but didn’t want to face it.
I can’t believe it’s been a year since that day. It’s been a rough year and much harder than I’d anticipated. I think for the first few months my grief was an open wound and every day brought new tears and more sadness. Just as things were starting to get easier, Christmas arrived and I couldn’t help but think about how much Jenna loved that holiday and how sad I was that her kids would be spending their first Christmas without her. The changing seasons’s led to Jake’s birthday, Ashlee’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Jenna’s Birthday, Jenna and Mark’s anniversary and finally today…Jenna’s deathiversary. Each of those days brought new sadness, but the days in between were easier than they’d been months before. Now, a year later, I find that my grief is more personal, like a scar that’s still red and angry but will one day be barely visible and only noticeable to me. I still can’t believe that my friend died and took her spirit, infectious laughter and fun loving attitude with her. I still think about her every day and wish I could spend more time with her kids in a comfortable and fun setting. If I have any regret surrounding Jenna’s death, it’s that I haven’t been able to maintain the contact with her kids that I’d hoped for. I haven’t wanted to impose and haven’t felt like it’s something that’s comfortable for Mark.
Today is a sad day for me, but I’m looking forward to the remembrance. A number of us are getting together tonight at La Siesta. Most will be drinking a margarita, I’ll be eating my fill of queso and salsa with chips. Jenna loved that restaurant and I have lots of good memories of sharing a meal with her there and memories of a few drunk love calls that came after she drank one of their margarita’s. I’m looking forward to a night filled with love and laughter and lots of stories. I know she’ll be with us, not in the way we’d like, but she’ll be there.
Today is just one of those days…one of those days that will live in my memory banks forever.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Baby Steps
Morning sickness and exhaustion is kicking my butt. I have no patience, no motivation, no energy and I spend a fair amount of time feeling hung over and wondering when the party was. When I forget I'm feeling sorry for myself, I feel really sorry for my husband and kids.
That said, today was a good day. I only had two tasks that had to be done. I needed to get a new tire for my car, since we got a flat on Saturday that wasn't patchable, and I needed to find my contractor's calculator so I could accurately figure square footage and how much flooring we need to buy. The first was done with a minimal amount of time and expense, surprising since the tire is apparently an odd size. We have a local place I've gone to a number of times now. It doesn't look like much out front, but they do good, quick, inexpensive work. The second, after a couple hours spent cleaning my closet and looking through all my school stuff this weekend, ended up being quick and easy as well. It occurred to me that I didn't search the backpack I carried, so I stepped into the garage, opened the front pocket and there was my yellow calculator. Done and Done...Yay!
On top of that, I ran across a good deal on shoes and ended up getting Ryan sneakers for the new school year and Makenna got a pair of much needed sandles since she is about to grow out of every other pair of shoes she owns. Both were on sale, and when I got to the register they let me know the shoes were buy one get one half off...SWEET!
M is napping now, R just finished his lesson for camp tonight and I just finished dishes and am getting ready to make Zucchini bread. This day has been filled with smiles and absolutely no fussing or whining from kidlets or mommy! Double Yay!
That said, today was a good day. I only had two tasks that had to be done. I needed to get a new tire for my car, since we got a flat on Saturday that wasn't patchable, and I needed to find my contractor's calculator so I could accurately figure square footage and how much flooring we need to buy. The first was done with a minimal amount of time and expense, surprising since the tire is apparently an odd size. We have a local place I've gone to a number of times now. It doesn't look like much out front, but they do good, quick, inexpensive work. The second, after a couple hours spent cleaning my closet and looking through all my school stuff this weekend, ended up being quick and easy as well. It occurred to me that I didn't search the backpack I carried, so I stepped into the garage, opened the front pocket and there was my yellow calculator. Done and Done...Yay!
On top of that, I ran across a good deal on shoes and ended up getting Ryan sneakers for the new school year and Makenna got a pair of much needed sandles since she is about to grow out of every other pair of shoes she owns. Both were on sale, and when I got to the register they let me know the shoes were buy one get one half off...SWEET!
M is napping now, R just finished his lesson for camp tonight and I just finished dishes and am getting ready to make Zucchini bread. This day has been filled with smiles and absolutely no fussing or whining from kidlets or mommy! Double Yay!
Week in Review
Wow, what a week.
Ryan had VBS at our church each morning last week and he LOVED it! He can’t wait to go back next year. Most of what he talked about was the music. R loves music as much as DM and I do and he enjoyed all the dance moves too. This week he’s going to another VBS called Mega Sports Camp. He chose basketball and Hip Hop. I’ll be interested to see what he thinks of it.
On top of that, we went to a playdate, 3 birthday parties, a lunch with our playgroup, and M and I hit up kids gym and lunch with a friend. The biggest event of the week was Ryan’s first sleepover! He had a great time and came home exhausted. I think the boys were up most of the night, but that’s what sleepovers are for. Wayne and I took advantage of only having one kid and decided to go out to dinner. I’ve been craving Chinese since this pregnancy began so we went to a new restaurant that opened nearby and then walked down the block for ice cream. Makenna was so good and we all really enjoyed our night out.
Outside of that, I had a difficult week with pregnancy hormones. I normally am pretty level headed and even tempered, but I don’t think that was the case last week. I had a small argument with a man at Mcdonald’s. He later came over and apologized and explained why he’d acted the way he did. I had to apologize too though, because I’d been much more short-tempered than I normally am. I also had something occur with a friend that really upset me. I’m not sure if my response to the situation would have been as intense if not for the raging hormones. I guess we all have our days...or weeks.
What a week!
Ryan had VBS at our church each morning last week and he LOVED it! He can’t wait to go back next year. Most of what he talked about was the music. R loves music as much as DM and I do and he enjoyed all the dance moves too. This week he’s going to another VBS called Mega Sports Camp. He chose basketball and Hip Hop. I’ll be interested to see what he thinks of it.
On top of that, we went to a playdate, 3 birthday parties, a lunch with our playgroup, and M and I hit up kids gym and lunch with a friend. The biggest event of the week was Ryan’s first sleepover! He had a great time and came home exhausted. I think the boys were up most of the night, but that’s what sleepovers are for. Wayne and I took advantage of only having one kid and decided to go out to dinner. I’ve been craving Chinese since this pregnancy began so we went to a new restaurant that opened nearby and then walked down the block for ice cream. Makenna was so good and we all really enjoyed our night out.
Outside of that, I had a difficult week with pregnancy hormones. I normally am pretty level headed and even tempered, but I don’t think that was the case last week. I had a small argument with a man at Mcdonald’s. He later came over and apologized and explained why he’d acted the way he did. I had to apologize too though, because I’d been much more short-tempered than I normally am. I also had something occur with a friend that really upset me. I’m not sure if my response to the situation would have been as intense if not for the raging hormones. I guess we all have our days...or weeks.
What a week!
Monday, June 16, 2008
The birds and the bees at age 6
Ryan: Mom, what are these things under my penis?
Me: What things?
Ryan: The round things.
Me: Your testicles.
Ryan: Oh…what do they do, hold my pee?
Me: Ummm, no. They hold sperm.
Ryan: Sperd, what’s sperd?
Me: No, it’s sperm and it’s used to make a baby.
Ryan: How does it make a baby?
Me: It joins with an egg and then the baby grows.
Ryan: Where does the egg come from and how do they meet?
Me: The egg comes from a mommy and they meet when a mommy and daddy love each other.
Ryan: Hmmmm…ok. That’s kind of hard to understand.
Me: Yep…
Where was his father when this conversation was occurring???
Me: What things?
Ryan: The round things.
Me: Your testicles.
Ryan: Oh…what do they do, hold my pee?
Me: Ummm, no. They hold sperm.
Ryan: Sperd, what’s sperd?
Me: No, it’s sperm and it’s used to make a baby.
Ryan: How does it make a baby?
Me: It joins with an egg and then the baby grows.
Ryan: Where does the egg come from and how do they meet?
Me: The egg comes from a mommy and they meet when a mommy and daddy love each other.
Ryan: Hmmmm…ok. That’s kind of hard to understand.
Me: Yep…
Where was his father when this conversation was occurring???
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Happy Birthday
Dear Jenna,
Barbara, Jacy all the kids and I went to Toot's for fried pickles today. I'd promised you them on your last birthday and sadly never had a chance to pay up since I was out of town. I wish you and your kids were with us today as we toasted you with pickles and got funny looks from neighboring tables. Even more, I wish we were headed out on a party bus this weekend. Last year we were so sure we'd celebrate your health this year by getting that party bus you'd always talked about and partying our butts off downtown. Instead we had fried pickles and thought about you a lot today. Happy Birthday my friend, I miss you so much and love you.
Barbara, Jacy all the kids and I went to Toot's for fried pickles today. I'd promised you them on your last birthday and sadly never had a chance to pay up since I was out of town. I wish you and your kids were with us today as we toasted you with pickles and got funny looks from neighboring tables. Even more, I wish we were headed out on a party bus this weekend. Last year we were so sure we'd celebrate your health this year by getting that party bus you'd always talked about and partying our butts off downtown. Instead we had fried pickles and thought about you a lot today. Happy Birthday my friend, I miss you so much and love you.
It's what you think it is!
Sorry the pictures are a little blurry, but that second one shows an ultrasound I had on Tuesday. In it is a little embryo measuring 7weeks2days, having grown exactly as it should have from my ultrasound 2 weeks ago and with a little heart beating at 162 bpm.
Now I'll answer the questions that I know are on the tip of your tongues...
-No, we did not use our frozen embryos. We were still debating what to do when I found out I was pregnant.
-Yes, it was a spontaneous pregnancy and yes God has a sense of humor.
-No, we weren't trying, but we weren't taking any precautions either. With our history, we didn't see any reason too.
In our house the joke is that I take a pregnancy test to make my period start. That's been the case many times over the last 10 years. I'd been cramping for a week or so and was ready for it to start already so I headed to the Dollar Store and bought a test. You can imagine my surprise when two lines popped up.
After 3 weeks, we're still in shock, but also very excited. Thanks for all of your congratulations on my last post. It's the first time I've been able to do something like that and I couldn't resist.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
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