The Ghosts of Infertility

I had my 16 week appointment this morning. Even though things have gone pretty well with this pregnancy, I'm always nervous going into the doctor. As I was showering and getting ready, I couldn't help but think about the "what ifs". What if the baby's heart has stopped? What if I have to have another D&C? We leave for our trip tomorrow, when could I get in for the surgery? It's so sad that those were my thoughts. I wish I could go into an appointment and not think worst case scenario, but after all we've been through I guess that isn't possible.

On the brightside, my appointment went well. My BP was great and I gained a pound. I was able to see Dr. Helpful instead of The Rookie which made me happy. We talked about his delivery practices, the triple screen test and amnio, scheduled my Level II Ultrasound, and got to hear the baby's heartbeat...with a few kicks thrown in for good measure! Ryan went with me and was disappointed that we only got to hear the baby and not see it. Truth be told, that was disappointing for me too. Hard to believe we'll find out the gender of this little one in a few weeks!

Walk down memory lane...

Ryan Patrick ~ About 24 Hours Old
First Birthday! I love Cake!
I'm TWO!
I'm three and can blow out my candles all by myself!

I'm FOUR and I got $4. Woohoo!
Fifth Birthday photos soon to come.

FIVE!

Ryan turns 5 today at 1:48 pm. Since yesterday I've been thinking about where I was 5 years ago. My labor with Ryan was about 31 hours long, and I can still remember the feelings of anticipation and excitement mixed with anxiety and fear. I thought I'd cry when he finally arrived, but instead I just looked at him in awe. Ryan's daddy, on the other hand, cried his eyes out. Ryan was 7 lbs 3 oz and 20 inches long when he was born. He had the sweetest little cry, was so alert and he appeared to be thinking and processing everything as much as we were. I remember watching the sun rise through the hospital window the following morning, Ryan was awake in my arms and his daddy was asleep a few feet away. As Ryan and I shared his first sunrise, the tears of joy finally came for me. Instantly our lives had changed and now I knew what everyone meant when they told me things would never be the same.

Ryan got up this morning and said "Mom, I'm bigger! Look at my arms, they're all muscled up. Look at my legs, they're even longer and better for running. I'm FIVE now, today is the best day of my life!!!" What Ryan doesn't know is that he makes every day the best day of my life.

I can hardly believe how quickly the years have passed. I can't wait to see what lies ahead, but also want to slow things down. I've been so lucky to be able to stay home with Ryan since his birth. I hope he's enjoyed the time with me as much as I've enjoyed every day with him.

Happy birthday little man!

A New Direction

As you can probably infer from my blogs name, I initally planned to focus on infertility, our struggle to reach parenthood, and this pregnancy. However, now that I'm on my way out of the depths of infertility I still feel the need to document the journey, but realize it's only a portion of my life. So even though the name remains, you'll find the rest of our life here as well. I'm looking forward to using this forum to keep family and friends informed about what's happening with us!

Not the World Cup, but...

I signed Ryan up for Soccer today. It will be his first time playing a team sport and I'm so excited for him. I can't wait for the first game on September 9th. I hope he enjoys it. Although, how could he not? He'll be running around with a bunch of other kids and a ball...sounds like his version of Heaven on Earth if you ask me.