It's been crazy here since my last post. After getting home from the hospital with Ryan, Wayne and I both managed to get sick and are still recovering. Two weeks later and I'm finally feeling almost normal today...woohoo! Ryan is doing really well, and recovered very quickly after returning home, and Wayne is still coughing, but he's on the mend. I'm ready for all of us to be healthy!
I volunteered in Ryan's class for the first time a couple days ago. It was so fun and so exhausting! Fifteen barely 5 year olds can keep you on your toes. His teacher is a saint! I had groups of 5 that I did an activity with and had a hard time keeping track of them, I have no idea how his teacher maintains order all day with 15! Ryan was so sweet while I was there. He was a model student and came over to give me a hug numerous times, telling me he loved me each time. I was enjoying it, but that extra love from him made it even more fun and special. I go back next week, and can't wait.
Ryan also had his first soccer practice on Tuesday. It was hilarious. He did well physically but was really consumed by what was going on every where else on the field. His coach was great and really good at working with the little ones. I got a couple pictures that I'll try to post. We'll see if Blogger is my friend. Looking forward to tonight's practice and his first game on Saturday!
In other exciting news (What am I...a News Anchor now?) a cousin of mine got engaged over the weekend. We've all been waiting for it and I'm so happy for them. I'm already looking forward to the wedding, she'll be a GORGEOUS bride. Also, a close friend got two lines on a pregnancy test! (Congratulations again, if you're reading this!!) I can't believe the baby boom I've witnesssed over the last 18 months. Of my friends and family, she's the 24th pregnancy in that time period. Unbelievable, but so wonderful! Our little girl is going to have lots of playmates.
This post is titled highs and lows, so it's time to share the low. There's only one but it's such a big one it's overwhelmed almost everything else over the past couple weeks. My friend Jenna was diagnosed with Leukemia a week ago and is already in the hospital for treatment. It's been a whirlwind of doctors, diagnosis, emotions, stolen moments with her kids and family before heading to the hospital for treatment, and amazingly, strength and faith. Thankfully she has a huge network of support to help her through this, but ultimately she is the one who has to fight this battle. She's done it once before, when she was 14 she had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. I know she has the strength and spirit to do it again but I hate that she has too. Her first night in the hospital was really rough, but since then things have been better, and her spirits are really high. I'm so thankful that the chemo hasn't been as bad as anticipated and that her Mom and Dad are here to help her and her family right now. She's amazing me with how matter of factly she is approaching each day and how she's able to look towards December with hope and faith. Please add her to your prayer list.
Since this blog is labeled Fertilely Challenged, of course Infertility has to make an appearance. Many studies say that the depression felt by infertility patients is similar to that experienced by those facing major illnesses. During my months of treatment and loss I completely agreed with that statement. Fortunately, a positive pregnancy test, a heartbeat on an ultrasound and monthly OB/GYN appt's confirming that things are going well reduce that depression in leaps and bounds. The fact that I had to seek therapy to get through it, however, was a testiment of how rough it was for me. I lost my desire to do anything other than provide Ryan's basic needs. I became a shell of myself. I lost interest in life, I forgot how to laugh, and I barely remembered how to love my husband, family and friends....oh, and I had no love for myself. Jenna helped pull me through that. She made sure I got out of the house. She called to check in on me. She offered to watch Ryan numerous times. She helped me remember to live during a time where I just wanted to sleep. She didn't know exactly how I was feeling, because how can you if you haven't experienced something, but she did her best to let me know she cared. I only hope I can be that good of a friend to her over the next few months.
Don't forget your prayers.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Dates
July 20, 2001, May 19, 2006, Sept 1, 2006, January 13, 2007...due dates for all of my babies and dates I don't think I'll ever forget. Ryan arrived on July 24th, but the 20th still holds a place in my heart. I remember going to the movie that day and hoping my water didn't break in the middle of it. Four days and 31 hours of labor later, he arrived...healthy and handsome and the sweetest baby I had ever seen.
May 19 came and went just like any other day, except that it was my EDD for my chemical pregnancy. Even though I was only pregnant for about a minute the day still holds a firm place in my heart. There was so much hope going into our first IVF, and May 19th reminded me of hope lost. It reminded me of the dispair I felt when I got the phone call, I had a positive beta but barely. It reminded me of the severe cramps I felt that night, which I thought meant an impending miscarriage, but were signs of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). It reminded me of the day I passed tissue that I knew had been our baby and how I stared at it and didn't know what to do with it and cried. It reminded me of the hurt between my best friend and I. She got pregnant without even trying or really being ready to, the month we did our first IVF. I wanted to be happy for her, but was just so damn jealous and hurt that a huge rift developed between us. BUT...moving forward May 19 will be a reminder of the birth of my best friends baby, and how thrilled I was to be there and witness her husband bringing the baby into the nursery after the c-section. How I was able to support my friend's mom, while she waited and was worried about her daughter and grand daughter. How I was able to share in the joy of a beautiful new life entering the world. May 19th was a difficult day but the healing has begun.
September 1st, another day, another due date. Our second IVF/ICSI brought even more hope. We were much happier with the new clinic and doctor and really felt like it would work this time. Much to our delight, it did, betas were high and tripling so we thought maybe twins! Our seven week ultrasound proved otherwise. We had one sac with nothing in it...probably a blighted ovum, but we'd go back in another week to confirm the diagnosis. One week later, a genetic abnormality had caused the baby to stop growing yet my body wasn't miscarrying on it's own. I had surgery a few days later, and woke up from the anesthesia crying from the emotional pain. A recovery room nurse callously asked why I was crying, like I had done something wrong. I didn't have the energy or the words to tell her that I'd been pregnant and full of the hopes and dreams of a baby before going into surgery and now all that was gone. I was empty. I thought all those memories would be relived on Sept 1, but instead I spent the day with my son in a doctor's office, ambulance, and emergency room. He'd had what appeared to be a minor cold the day before, and developed a fever that evening. He woke me up about 3:30 am saying he wasn't feeling well, and the next 24 hours were spent only thinking about him and his welfare. His breathing was fast and shallow, and although he was drinking fluids, I was concerned about dehydration because he'd thrown up a couple times. A visit to the pediatrician's office, two breathing treatments, a shot of steroids, and oxygen level of 92 that didn't get better with treatment meant Ryan and I got our first ride in an ambulance. After arriving at the emergency room, it took 4 tries to get his IV in, but once that was in more steriods, fluids and antibiotics were given. He was also breathing in albuterol continuously for around 2 hours or so and then every two hours thereafter. We spent about 10 hours in the ER and then moved to a room. Ryan spent the next two days in bed with IV, oxygen, and pulse/oxygen/blood pressure monitors, but he improved very quickly. Cause of all this appeared to be Viral and Bacterial Pneumonia plus Reactive Airway Disease. Ryan was such a trooper and never once complained, however, when he was finally home he mentioned a number of times how happy he was to be out of bed and "unplugged" from all the tubes and monitors. I cannot imagine how difficult it would have been to experience that while also being in labor, about to have a baby, or at home with a new baby. I would have felt torn about where to spend my time, if I'd even had the choice and it would have been incredibly difficult for daddy. I hated hearing that God had a plan, while I was going through infertility and experiencing loss after loss...but God had a plan. September 1 was a difficult day, but the healing has begun.
January 13th, 2007, 18 weeks and 5 days away. IVF/ICSI number 3 was done without much enthusiasm on my part. I was tired of all the hormones, tired of all the shots, tired of feeling like crap all the time. Just plain tired of life. We had gotten so close with the second IVF that Wayne, who had been ambivilent about IVF/ICSI #2, couldn't wait to start the third. My body and mind had no desire to do it all again so quickly, but my heart wanted to share Wayne's optimism. My love for him and desire for another child finally won out and we proceeded. Shots and pills had begun when I went in for a baseline ultrasound, which unfortunately showed a new development, a growth of some sort. Surgery quickly scheduled, another hysteroscopy and D&C, and I could continue with the planned IVF. Fast forward about a month and betas are positive, very high and doubling again! NO WAY! I was sure it hadn't worked this time and had already bought the bottle of wine I would be drinking upon hearing the news. Instead of a Wine-O, I turned into a pee stick junky. Talk of twins again and we anxiously awaited an ultrasound. Baby A was right on track, with a beautiful little beating heart. Baby B was a bit smaller and no heartbeat. It was still early so we'd go back in a week to check progress. The second ultrasound confirmed that Baby A was still right on track and that Baby B would not make it, another ultrasound in a week and another a week after, and so on. At eleven weeks the ultrasound showed that Baby B had finally been absorbed, Vanishing Twin Syndrome is what the doctors called it. I called it an incredible mix of happiness, excitement, anxiety and pain. In the long run, I had one baby that was doing well, and that is what we had to focus on. January 13, 2007, 18 weeks 5 days away. Somewhere around that day our beautiful baby girl will arrive, it will be incredibly exciting and wonderful and yet a little bittersweet as I remember her twin.
The healing has begun.
May 19 came and went just like any other day, except that it was my EDD for my chemical pregnancy. Even though I was only pregnant for about a minute the day still holds a firm place in my heart. There was so much hope going into our first IVF, and May 19th reminded me of hope lost. It reminded me of the dispair I felt when I got the phone call, I had a positive beta but barely. It reminded me of the severe cramps I felt that night, which I thought meant an impending miscarriage, but were signs of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). It reminded me of the day I passed tissue that I knew had been our baby and how I stared at it and didn't know what to do with it and cried. It reminded me of the hurt between my best friend and I. She got pregnant without even trying or really being ready to, the month we did our first IVF. I wanted to be happy for her, but was just so damn jealous and hurt that a huge rift developed between us. BUT...moving forward May 19 will be a reminder of the birth of my best friends baby, and how thrilled I was to be there and witness her husband bringing the baby into the nursery after the c-section. How I was able to support my friend's mom, while she waited and was worried about her daughter and grand daughter. How I was able to share in the joy of a beautiful new life entering the world. May 19th was a difficult day but the healing has begun.
September 1st, another day, another due date. Our second IVF/ICSI brought even more hope. We were much happier with the new clinic and doctor and really felt like it would work this time. Much to our delight, it did, betas were high and tripling so we thought maybe twins! Our seven week ultrasound proved otherwise. We had one sac with nothing in it...probably a blighted ovum, but we'd go back in another week to confirm the diagnosis. One week later, a genetic abnormality had caused the baby to stop growing yet my body wasn't miscarrying on it's own. I had surgery a few days later, and woke up from the anesthesia crying from the emotional pain. A recovery room nurse callously asked why I was crying, like I had done something wrong. I didn't have the energy or the words to tell her that I'd been pregnant and full of the hopes and dreams of a baby before going into surgery and now all that was gone. I was empty. I thought all those memories would be relived on Sept 1, but instead I spent the day with my son in a doctor's office, ambulance, and emergency room. He'd had what appeared to be a minor cold the day before, and developed a fever that evening. He woke me up about 3:30 am saying he wasn't feeling well, and the next 24 hours were spent only thinking about him and his welfare. His breathing was fast and shallow, and although he was drinking fluids, I was concerned about dehydration because he'd thrown up a couple times. A visit to the pediatrician's office, two breathing treatments, a shot of steroids, and oxygen level of 92 that didn't get better with treatment meant Ryan and I got our first ride in an ambulance. After arriving at the emergency room, it took 4 tries to get his IV in, but once that was in more steriods, fluids and antibiotics were given. He was also breathing in albuterol continuously for around 2 hours or so and then every two hours thereafter. We spent about 10 hours in the ER and then moved to a room. Ryan spent the next two days in bed with IV, oxygen, and pulse/oxygen/blood pressure monitors, but he improved very quickly. Cause of all this appeared to be Viral and Bacterial Pneumonia plus Reactive Airway Disease. Ryan was such a trooper and never once complained, however, when he was finally home he mentioned a number of times how happy he was to be out of bed and "unplugged" from all the tubes and monitors. I cannot imagine how difficult it would have been to experience that while also being in labor, about to have a baby, or at home with a new baby. I would have felt torn about where to spend my time, if I'd even had the choice and it would have been incredibly difficult for daddy. I hated hearing that God had a plan, while I was going through infertility and experiencing loss after loss...but God had a plan. September 1 was a difficult day, but the healing has begun.
January 13th, 2007, 18 weeks and 5 days away. IVF/ICSI number 3 was done without much enthusiasm on my part. I was tired of all the hormones, tired of all the shots, tired of feeling like crap all the time. Just plain tired of life. We had gotten so close with the second IVF that Wayne, who had been ambivilent about IVF/ICSI #2, couldn't wait to start the third. My body and mind had no desire to do it all again so quickly, but my heart wanted to share Wayne's optimism. My love for him and desire for another child finally won out and we proceeded. Shots and pills had begun when I went in for a baseline ultrasound, which unfortunately showed a new development, a growth of some sort. Surgery quickly scheduled, another hysteroscopy and D&C, and I could continue with the planned IVF. Fast forward about a month and betas are positive, very high and doubling again! NO WAY! I was sure it hadn't worked this time and had already bought the bottle of wine I would be drinking upon hearing the news. Instead of a Wine-O, I turned into a pee stick junky. Talk of twins again and we anxiously awaited an ultrasound. Baby A was right on track, with a beautiful little beating heart. Baby B was a bit smaller and no heartbeat. It was still early so we'd go back in a week to check progress. The second ultrasound confirmed that Baby A was still right on track and that Baby B would not make it, another ultrasound in a week and another a week after, and so on. At eleven weeks the ultrasound showed that Baby B had finally been absorbed, Vanishing Twin Syndrome is what the doctors called it. I called it an incredible mix of happiness, excitement, anxiety and pain. In the long run, I had one baby that was doing well, and that is what we had to focus on. January 13, 2007, 18 weeks 5 days away. Somewhere around that day our beautiful baby girl will arrive, it will be incredibly exciting and wonderful and yet a little bittersweet as I remember her twin.
The healing has begun.
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