Two Months!

Dear Makenna,

Today you're two months old! It's amazing how much you've changed over the last month.

• You're a lot more alert and awake these days and when you look at things you look at them with intention instead of just staring.
• You started smiling at 7 weeks. Well, that was when I knew the smiles were intentional because I was able to get more than one at a time.
• I've caught you sucking your thumb a few times, although it's still really hard for you to get to your hands.
• You really dislike the pacifier, however, you'll take it every once in awhile. You're particular though and will only take the one they gave you in the hospital.
• You absolutely hate getting dressed, but you love to get undressed. In fact you usually send a smile or two my way while laying on your changing table with little on but a diaper.
• You enjoy bath time, but start to cry the minute I take you out of the water and continue to do so until you're fully clothed.
• You have curly hair! It usually lays flat after you're in your carseat but you have a curl on the top of your head that stands up no matter what. You also have the same cowlick on the back of your head that your dad and brother have.
• You have a dimple in your left cheek!
• You have a birthmark on the back of your neck with a smaller storkbite in the center and another faint birthmark between your eyebrows.
• Your feet are huge! Sorry, but it's true. You can thank your dad for that one. At two months they're almost as big as your brothers were when he was 10 months.
• You love sitting in your brothers lap and looking at his face. It's one of the places that you're most content.
• You like to be held...a lot!
• You're a trooper about taking your medicine. You used to spit them out, but usually swallow them without a fit now.
• You're starting to get the hang of that thing called sleep.
• You love to eat and have the cutest cheeks. Well, everything about you is cute and no I'm not biased.
• You like your swing but not your bouncy seat and given the choice the bumbo seat wins every time. These devices are saved for dinner and showers because as I mentioned, you'd rather be held.
• You sleep with your hands near your face and when you wake up you have the biggest stretches and yawns.
• We spend a lot of time dancing in the kitchen at night. You especially love a cd that I made for my Mom for her birthday.

Your two month appointment with the pediatrician is later this week. I can't wait to find out how much you've grown. That said, I almost wish you'd slow down, you're getting too big too fast and this time will be gone before I know it. There will be a photo shoot tomorrow to document your second month, hope you're ready to model.

Love,

Mom

What a difference a day makes

Wow, it's amazing how things turn on a dime when you have a little one. Yesterday and today have been so much better than the couple previous days. It probably helps that I've been more diligent about her meds. It also helps that it's the weekend and Daddy and I split the night shift. A little more sleep for me and my mood suddenly elevates.

Today is Makenna's two month birthday! I can hardly believe how quickly the time has passed, it seems like she should be just a couple weeks old. She must have known today was special because she gave lots of smiles and even a few coos. We spent the day doing things around the house. The biggest job was cleaning Ryan's room and getting rid of some of the toys he doesn't play with anymore and clothes he's grown out of. It felt great to check that off my to do list!

Thanks for the support on my last post, I felt the love!

Exhausted and a little blue...

It took so much effort and time to have this baby, that I tend to think I don't have the right to get frustrated. But, wow, am I frustrated....and a little resentful. I feel horrible for saying that, so mommy guilt is rearing it's head as well. Frustration, resentment and guilt...Oh My!

Makenna isn't the easiest baby. Between her GERD and Colic, there's lots of crying and not a whole lot of sleeping going on here. Thankfully, we've recently started getting a few smiles which make things a little easier. However, her daddy and I both like our sleep and don't function well when we don't get it. We also have very different ways of dealing with the crying fits. I firmly believe the longer and harder she cries the more worked up she gets and the longer it will take to calm her. His philosophy is "Get it all out and you'll feel better and calm down". Because we deal with things so differently we tend to get testy with each other and I think both of us get resentful towards each other. With no family in town to watch her, there are no breaks, so both of us are worn out. On top of that, we have a 5 year old that needs attention too. He's been so great with all the changes and has dealt well with the crying, but the honeymoon is ending. He's been a lot more needy and whiney during the past week...maybe he's picking up on my mood?

Mommy guilt reason number two, I stopped breastfeeding two weeks ago. I pumped for a number of days and we tried formula to see if it would help. Makenna seemed so much happier during that time and appeared to feel much better, so we decided to stick with formula. Now, two weeks later, she seems to be regressing. I've been weaning her off one of the meds, so that's probably part of the issue, but it's so disheartening. I stopped breastfeeding for a reason, and now that reason seems nonexistant...blah.

I know that we are so blessed to have two wonderful kids, and I wouldn't have it any other way, but man am I worn out. Keep your fingers crossed that the colic ends soon. I'll leave you with a picture. Isn't she sweet?!

Happy 1 Month Birthday!

Dear Makenna,

I'm a couple days late getting this posted, but happy One Month Birthday Baby Girl!

Hard to believe it's already been a month as the time has just flown by. We spent the day at the pediatrician where you were diagnosed with Colic and Reflux. Your dad and I have been so worried about you because you spit up all the time and we weren't sure you were getting enough to eat. The visit to the doctor made us feel so much better because you had gained two pounds in two weeks!! I guess that constant eating is working because you were 6lbs 13oz at birth and at one month you're 9lbs 11oz!

This has been a challenging couple weeks because you cry and fuss a lot, but we are thrilled that you're here. I've had so much fun dressing you up in cute little outfits and you've already grown out of the newborn things that your Nana and I bought when you came home. You were so tiny that I barely had anything for you to wear, but you've grown quickly and are into 0-3 month clothes now.

Your brother constantly sings to you and speaks to you in a high pitched voice. He calls you Makenna or Kenna, baby girl and my sister. He's so proud of you and loves to sit and hold you. Amazingly you often calm down when you're sitting with him. You already have a special sibling bond with each other!

Your daddy looks for you the minute he walks in the door after work. He usually gets a quick cuddle in before your brother is asking to play. After Ryan goes to bed, you and your Dad usually spend some time together. Sometimes I go to bed and the two of you stay up watching a movie.

You still take lots of naps most days and some days I try to wake you up so you don't sleep all day. Unfortunately you still have your days and nights mixed up and you want to hang out with mom in the middle of the night for hours at a time. Hopefully the medicine we've begun giving you for Reflux will help you sleep a little better and not need to eat as often.

You are such a good sport in the morning when we take your brother to school. You love your car seat and usually go to sleep soon after being put in it. We don't hear a peep from you on the way to school and you usually sleep for a bit after we get home. Picking him up in the afternoon isn't too bad either. It takes a little longer and we sit in line with the car turned off for a little while so you get fussy periodically, but usually you sleep through it.

You lost your umbilical cord at two weeks and two days of age. I did a little happy dance and you had a bath pretty quickly after the discovery. You love the sound of running water and seemed to really relax in the bath. With your brother I couldn't wait for those little milestones to come, but with you they're bittersweet. I don't think we'll have any more babies so I'm trying to enjoy every minute with you and not wish for milestones until they come.

Other firsts:
1 week of age - your first shopping trip. We went to Lowe's and Home Depot and managed to buy a new light for our kitchen.
2 weeks - your first playdate! Kele and Grace came over and brought lunch.
2 weeks 2 days - your first girls lunch out. You, Nana and I went shopping and then to lunch after. Everyone around us said how sweet and tiny you were. You slept through it all
2 weeks 3 days - your first movie. Your dad, Ryan, you and I went to see Charlotte's Web after we dropped Nana off at the airport. You barely made a peep through the whole movie.
3 weeks of age - your first visit to a hair salon. I went in for a cut and highlight and brought you with me thinking you'd sleep the whole time. You didn't sleep a wink! You were held by me, the girl who washed my hair and the man who cut it before the visit was over.
3 weeks 2 days - Your first visit to Ryan's class. You slept through it but Ryan had lots of fun showing you off to all his friends.

Your Uncle Colin called to wish you a Happy One Month Birthday. I think it's so special that he was here for your birth and then called to wish you a happy day. You're going to love him when you're a little older.

Life is so much fuller and better with you in it, I can't wait to see what lays ahead!

Love,
Mom

Birth Story - Part Two - Day Two

If you haven't read the first part yet, scroll down to find it.

After about an hour of sleep my nurse came in to check on me and start the Cytotec again. I barely noticed since the ambien had kicked in full force. I was still having contractions which were irregular but very frequent and seemed to be getting stronger as the night progressed.

My mom got up about 1:15 when she heard my nurse talking with me about decels in the baby's heartrate. My nurse had me trying different positions to see if they'd improve and I was put on oxygen about this time. For awhile the decels seemed better when I was on my right side, but within a couple hours they had gotten longer and more frequent. By 4 am I had gotten very restless and was breathing through contractions. The first two Cytotecs stopped my contractions, but the third seemed to have pushed me into labor! Finally! I was chatting with my mom about how happy I was that labor had finally really begun when suddenly my cervix really hurt. It felt like Makenna was trying to scratch or punch her way out. My mom thought she was probably moving into the birth canal, but I swear I felt fingers scratching. Five minutes later my water broke. I told my mom I thought I was bleeding or had wet the bed, that still makes me shake my head. It's funny how clueless you can be in situations like that. It was just a bit of water and not the gush I'd had with Ryan, so I guess I didn't think that's what it could be. My nurse checked me and I was 2 cm, 75% effaced.

As soon as my water broke the contractions began in earnest. They were 1 1/2 -2 minutes apart and I barely had time to recover from one when the next began. Wayne woke up about this time and got me a cold cloth for my head. For some reason that really helped, until he put his hand on my head over the cloth and that drove me crazy because it warmed up the cloth. I remember pushing his hand away, but I didn't have the energy to tell him why. Poor guy. Dr. Aboveandbeyond was called in and feeling like things were suddenly moving super fast, I wondered if he'd make it. By 5 am there were even more decels and the Epi Guy was called. My nurse had to ask me if I wanted him to come, I was so intent on just getting through each contraction, I'd completely forgotten about an epidural. Fifteen minutes later I finally asked if I could move. I'd been laying on my right side the whole time, and couldn't take it anymore. My mom says I didn't even wait for the nurse to respond before I was up on my hands and knees. Right before I moved the nurse had checked me and I was a 3-4 and the nausea had kicked in. I was waiting for this, since I threw up throughout most of my labor with Ryan. Once I'd moved I went through a couple contractions and then I was pushing involuntarily. My mom and nurse instantly had me on my back again for another check, I was 6-7, and I was given a shot of Terbutaline to slow down my contractions. Decels were still getting worse but variability remained good and the Epi Guy finally arrived.

I was thrilled to see him, and couldn't wait to hunch over that pillow and start feeling better. My mom was asked to leave the room, I'm guessing that was one of the longest hours of her life. My nurse was in front of me continually trying to find the baby's heartrate with a monitor and Wayne was feeding me ice chips. He says I said thank you after each bite and he and the nurse thought that was really funny. As I hunched over the pillow my water fully broke and came pouring out. It was like a waterfall and got all over my nurses feet. Wayne grabbed a couple full size towels to help soak it all up and my poor nurse needed a change of clothes when it was over. I managed to laugh because it was so crazy. The first attempt at the epi went into my spinal column. It made my left leg tingle and numbed that side of my body. The second attempt didn't work at all. Finally the third attempt made it into the right spot and I had some relief. I was told that I'd possibly get a spinal headache but that was the least of my concerns at the time. Instead my thoughts were "Epidurals Rock!", at least until I realized I couldn't move or lift my head. That was concerning to the Epi Guy as well, and he reduced the medicine I was getting. With me laying down and the monitors back on we discovered that changing position and oxygen weren't helping the decels.

Dr. Aboveandbeyond arrived as Epi Guy was wrapping up and after checking me and watching the monitors he mentioned that I might be looking at a C-Section. He let me labor through a few contractions and then had me push to see what would happen. At that point, I was an 8 and +1 station. My contractions were still about 2 minutes apart but not as strong thanks to the Terbutaline. Decelerations were down to 60 beats lasting 2 minutes. The pushing didn't cause any change, so the decision was made for a c-section. I was sad to have gotten so close to fully dialated and not be able to deliver Makenna, but ultimately what mattered was a healthy baby. After the decision was made the move to the operating room was quick. I don't remember much at this point, due to all the medications. I drifted in and out during the preparation and surgery and didn't even realize it when Makenna let out her first cry. I remember Wayne trying to stand up and a nurse kept making him sit down. Then Wayne saying "Did you hear that, that was our baby!" I looked over to the warming table to see a very blue and floppy baby, but she let out a few cries pretty quickly. Apgars were 7/9 and it was 3 minutes from the first cut to the time she was delivered. She had a small cut on her shoulder from the surgery, but it healed pretty quickly. I got to see her for just a quick kiss and then she was whisked off to the nursery with Wayne.

The rest of that day is kind of a blur. I was really sick and had some complications from the meds. Any time I opened my eyes I would throw up, so I spent most of the day sleeping with a cold cloth on my head. I wasn't able to move my legs for almost 4 hours after the surgery, I guess it's usually about half an hour, and I missed Ryan's first visit to meet his sister because I couldn't keep my eyes open. I breastfed her once with the help of a nurse soon after surgery, but wasn't able to for the rest of the day. I'm sad that I missed her first day, but so glad that so many family members were here to meet her! Finally around 9 that night I decided to try to breast feed again. I still didn't feel very well, but I wanted to hold my daughter! Amazingly enough, once I had her in my arms, I started to feel better. The nausea subsided enough for me to feed her and hold her and really get a good look at her. Wayne had left for a bit and arrived just after I'd finished feeding her. He said it was amazing how different her face looked. It had been "scrunchy" all day, but she finally looked relaxed and her face was smooth. He said she just needed her mommy. Those words still make me tear up. It was a long two days, but well worth it all for my sweet baby girl!

Just for the record, my physical recovery had gone really well. I expected surgery and recovery to be so much worse than it's been. I did, however, get the spinal headache that Epi Guy mentioned. I ended up having to go back to the hospital for a blood patch, basically another epidural with my own blood instead of medication. A spinal headache is created when spinal fluid leaks from a hole created by a spinal tap or missed Epidural, so the blood seals the hole in the spinal column which makes the headache go away. I was amazed at how quickly it worked and shocked to realize how much pain I'd been in.

Birth Story - Part One

After having a small glass of milk and a piece of Irish Soda Bread for luck, I headed into the hospital at 6 am. Induction is so much different than going into labor naturally. I barely slept the night before because of anticipation and nerves. My mom's alarm failed to go off, but I woke her up and she got ready in record time so she could go with us.

After checking in, we headed up to Labor and Delivery. The room was ready and waiting for me, however I had a long wait ahead. A 31 week abruption had come in right before me, along with 2 other inductions and a c-section. Needless to say, the nurses were busy. I changed into my hospital gown, robe and pink fuzzy slippers and waited. Wayne made a few phone calls for work, I tried to take a nap and my mom worked on the cross stitch she was making for Makenna. I poked my head out of the room at one point and looked for a nurse, because I was sure they'd forgotten us. Finally, around 9:15 am a nurse came in to get my history, set up the fetal and contraction monitors, start an IV and explain the process. We were going to begin with Pitocin, which I questioned because Dr. Aboveandbeyond had mentioned starting with Cytotec to ripen my cervix since I was only 1 cm and 50% at my last appt. The nurse assured me that he wanted to start with Pitocin so that began at 9:30 am, after a quick check to determine that I was still 1 cm, 50% and -3 station. I was shocked to find out that they would increase the dose every half hour and once it got to a certain point I wouldn't be able to get out of bed. I spent hours of my labor with Ryan walking the halls, and had assumed I'd be doing some of that this time as well. After the pitocin was rolling the anesthesiologist came in and we went through medical history again and I assured him that I wanted an epidural as soon as my water broke.

Around 10:15 Ryan came in for a short visit. Contractions had begun, but were still very mild, so I wasn't concerned about him being there. That said, he left about 20 minutes later so he could play with friends. (Thanks Jenna and Jacy!) For the next two hours we hung out, I managed to get in two Sudoku puzzles and everyone else took shifts for lunch. We also took some pictures, the most notable being a few that featured the size of my ankles and the swelling in my feet. Around 12:15 Pitocin was stopped. The nurse had called my doc, and found out that in fact she was supposed to start with Cytotec. It took all my energy not to yell "I told you so". Unfortunately contractions stopped when Pitocin stopped and Cytotec #1 was given at 12:45. Over the next 3 hours I had a visit from Kele, we played a hand of Rummy and contractions picked up again. By 3:30 they were every 2-3 minutes apart and looking pretty good on the monitor. At 4:45 Cytotec #2 was administered and contractions stopped again. I had my first ice chips of the day, after I asked, the nurse never offered me any. During my whole stay, she was the only nurse I didn't like, and I was glad to see her go that evening.

Ryan arrived back at the hospital and we all chatted for about an hour. He went home with my brother and stepdad around 6 and Wayne left not long after to get a shower and spend a little time with Ryan. Dr. Aboveandbeyond showed up about 7:15. He checked me and found that I'd barely made any progress that day. 2 cm, 50% effaced and -3 station. He said I should eat dinner, shower get some rest and they'd start Cytotec again at midnight. He also suggested some Ambien to help me rest through the night. Hmmm, this was beginning to sound very similar to my labor with Ryan. My mom went out and got us a light dinner and we watched a little TV. Shannon came in to visit, hoping to see a baby. Of course there wasn't one, but we had a nice visit anyway. I was having minor contractions this whole time, but nothing that led me to believe I was making any progress. Wayne came back and my mom ran home for a shower and change of clothes while I showered. Ambien and sleep arrived about 10 or 10:30.

To be continued...

Introducing...

Makenna Brette
6lbs 13 oz
20 Inches long
born at 7:28 am on January 3, 2007

We're all doing well, just settling into being a family of four and having a new baby in the house. Ryan is a proud big brother and Makenna is really easy going. She eats and sleeps really well and rarely fusses unless she's getting her diaper changed.

Look for more photos and a birth story to follow!

It's the Final Countdown...

Yea, I grew up in the 80's...

Doctor's appt this week:
I went in on Tuesday which was 37 weeks 2 days, I've made it to full term! Blood pressure was still elevated 144/88, but Dr. Aboveandbeyond said all my labs from the previous week were fine, which means it's pregnancy induced Hypertension and not yet Pre-Eclampsia. (The longer I'm pregnant the more chance I have of this becoming Pre-Eclampsia.) He did an internal and found me to be 1-2 centimeters dialated, 50% effaced, but my cervix was still high. He then checked for heartbeat and position, based on what he was feeling and where the heartbeat was, he thought it possible she was breech again. So off to Labor and Delivery for another Non-Stress Test and an ultrasound to check fetal lie. Thankfully, ultrasound showed her to be head down and NST was reactive. With good news in hand Dr. Aboveandbeyond came smiling into the triage room and asked if I was ready to schedule an induction. We'd talked about this previously, but I've been worried about inducing if my body isn't ready, don't want to have a c-section if I can help it. Plus, my parents aren't here yet! That said, my BP is elevated and it's best to induce before other complications arise. So...drum roll please...Induction is scheduled for Tuesday, Jan 2! My mom should be arriving tomorrow afternoon and my stepdad should be here no later than Monday afternoon. Less than a week from now we'll be holding baby Makenna! My mom will be here to help me through the delivery and stepdad will be here for Ryan. I'm so thankful for them and all they do for us and so very thankful to be at this place finally. Two years ago at this time, we were contemplating our first IVF. Last year at this time, I was newly pregnant from my second IVF. This year, after our third IVF, I get to have a baby! Modern Science and Miracles all rolled into one precious bundle of sweet baby girl.

36 weeks 2 days and counting!

Two posts in one day, can you believe it?

I can't believe this pregancy is almost over! In some respects it seems like I've been pregnant forever, yet I still remember getting the calls with my betas like they were yesterday. Less than 4 weeks from now, and maybe much sooner, our daughter will be in our arms!!!

A brief update:
I had a doctor's appt today. My blood pressure was quite high for me, 143/88. This caused a bit of concern so Dr. Aboveandbeyond decided to check me. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on circumstance, my cervix is still high. He also called for a blood draw and 24 hour urine collection. After that was done I was sent to Labor and Delivery for a Non Stress Test. Once there and all hooked up my BP was even higher, 153/80, and the swelling in my legs had become even more noticable. Thankfully, when I laid on my left side my BP decreased a bit, 136/78 at the lowest reading. Baby girl was moving all over the place and had hiccups twice while I was hooked up to the monitors and I had a number of contractions, only a couple of which I felt. After about an hour of some serious heartburn and some minor boredom I was released and told to bring my "jug 'o pee" to my doctors office tomorrow afternoon. For some reason my husband finds mass amounts of humor in the fact that I now have a "jug 'o pee" in the fridge...on ice, no less. Biggest reality check of the day...when the nurse asked if I had a car seat and I had to say no. Guess I'd better get one of those!

Outfits and blankets and diaper champs...oh my!

This past weekend was my babyshower. It was such a special day and one I never thought we'd get to celebrate. Three great friends hosted it and everything was beautiful and oh so girly. There were even personalized party favors, Hershey Bars with mine and the baby's name and all sorts of cute little girly things. I felt so blessed to have a number of close family in attendance, they came from Colorado and Illinois to help me celebrate. There were also a number of girls from my Mom's group and some local friends and "family" as well. The time flew by as we chatted and played games and it ended with lots of laughter and tears as a "wish blanket" was passed around. After I got home I showed Wayne all the gifts and both of us sat and stared at the pile in awe. Our baby girl is so loved and she isn't even here yet!

Thank you again to Jenna, Jacy and Barbara for hosting such a special day and thank to all of those that were there in person and spirit. I had a wonderful time and couldn't have asked for a better day!

I'm a Big Brother!!!

A quote we've heard from Ryan constantly since Saturday. Why? We took him to the Big Brother/Big Sister class at a local Hospital. It was fabulous! The kids got a chance to diaper their "babies", learned how to hold them the right way, talked about physical development of newborns and how much they cry. They also got to tour the birthing rooms, view the babies in the nursery, pick out a shirt that says "I'm a Big Brother!", and take a picture of themselves for the new babies bassinet. Ryan loved the class, and we loved how into it he was.

Parents got a handout that talks about adjustment for the older sibling. We had quite the chuckle as we checked off each of the behaviors that Ryan is currently exhibiting and frustrating us with. At least we know he's normal.

Less than five weeks until my due date. Braxton Hicks are picking up in intensity and frequency. Heartburn and Acid Reflux are kicking my butt and making sleeping quite difficult. I currently spend most of each night sleeping sitting up on the couch. Joy! I'm tired, I get nosebleeds constantly, I've got some sweet "cankles" which seem to get bigger by the day, and the pelvic pressure, ouch! But...this has been such an amazing time. We've been through so much to have another child, it's hard to believe we'll be holding her in just a few short weeks. I feel so incredibly blessed and lucky right now.

It's Pink!

Work on the baby's room has finally begun! It's been a room to hold stuff for a few months now and we finally got it all cleaned out, shelves hung in the closet and walls painted. Now we just need to bring in all the baby furniture and we'll be ready for our little girl!

I've been thinking about this room for months and quickly decided I wanted pink and brown to be the main colors. It's been harder than anticipated to find bedding that works with the color scheme I want, so I plan to make the bumper. Crib sheets and skirt have been bought and are just waiting for a crib to be put on! I absolutely love how the stripes turned out on the wall. It's so great to have an idea and see it come to fruition and look good! I hope our little girl loves her room as much as Ryan loved his nursery!

The Cast is Gone!

Ryan got his cast off yesterday! He didn't really seem to care, but the minute it came off he had the biggest smile on his face. He moved his arm all around and kept saying it felt dizzy. The doctor was amazed because he straighted his elbow right away, apparently an adult with a similar break would take weeks to months to be able to move it that well. No physical Therapy and no splint because he's healed so well, just a reminder to take it easy for the next few weeks so that he doesn't break it again. Unfortunately as we walked out to the parking lot Ryan said "I can suck my finger again!!!!!" AHHH! I was hopeful this broke him of the habit but I guess not. He did suck it last night going to sleep, but didn't have his finger in his mouth other than that. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it stays at bedtime. He really enjoyed his first shower in a month too.

I'm off to register for the big brother class, hard to believe Ryan's going to have a little sister in 9 weeks or less!

Insomnia

I'm not a fan. I love my sleep and I need it to function very well, unfortunately, I'm not getting a whole lot of it lately. Between my acid reflux/heartburn, need to pee every few hours and litte Miss Noname kicking, I can't seem to get more than a few hours of sleep each night. Add to the physical the mental masterbation that I tend to do when I wake up in the middle of the night, and once I wake up, that's it, I'm done for...no more sleep. Limited sleep has been an issue for about a year and a half now. When I was on infertility drugs for the 3 IVF's, I almost never got a full night's sleep due to the side effects from the medicine. With Ryan I never had any sleep issues, so I expected this pregnancy to be the same, after weaning off the hormonal drugs at the end of the first trimester. No such luck. While it was a bit better during the second trimester now that I've hit the third, it's back to a few hours of sleep a night. I wish it was going to get better, but once this little girls arrives, it will only get worse. Guess I'd better take advantage of my slow days right now, and take a nap when I can.

*Sigh*

Boo!

I can hardly believe how quickly this pregnancy is going. At 29 weeks, I still have so much to do before Miss Noname makes her appearance. First on the list is a name! There are a few names that have been mentioned, yet we can't seem to agree. I like names that are a bit unique but not hard to pronounce, I prefer an Irish or family name, and I want a name for our baby girl that will fit her now and when she grows into a strong and independant woman. I have a hard time classifying the types of names her dad likes although he does like names with Scottish heritage. I tease him because I think he has an affinity for stripper names. I've shared the Fawn story here, haven't I? Enough said.

Following is a list of possible names:

Makenna - I've liked this name since I was about 6 weeks along with this little girl, Daddy doesn't love it but is trying to be open minded about it.
MacKenzie - Daddy's choice instead of Makenna. I like this name and appreciate it's Irish/Scottish heritage, but it's really popular right now.
Linsey - This one just popped up the other day. First name, middle name?
Grace - Only as a middle name
Emma - My MIL's middle name. I like the family connection, but it's sooooo popular
Brette - My grandmother's maiden name (Brett). Again, I love the family connection. This is a middle name in my book.

Any suggestions? Any thoughts on the names I've mentioned? Any one? We need help!

29 weeks also brought with it another appointment with Dr. Aboveandbeyond. Everything looked good, thankfully. Miss N is still breech, but he said I shouldn't be concerned. There's still plenty of time for her to turn. No weight gain which surprised me. I feel like I'm getting bigger by the second. Braxton Hicks contractions, while irritating and worrisome, don't appear to be thinning my cervix. No real restrictions, he just told me take it easy, rest when I can, and start reducing any unnecessary responsibilities.

In big boy news, Ryan is doing really well with his cast. Fingers crossed, I think this may have broken his finger sucking habit! The cast comes off in two weeks, so time will tell. I'm amazed at how well he has adapted to limited use of his arm and hand, however I'm looking forward to him having a full range of motion again. I do hear "I can't" and "I need help" a lot lately, but it gets better each day. He's going as Superman this evening and is excited about dressing up and trick or treating. We're all hoping that the rain holds off until after we're done.

Happy Halloween!!!

PBS

Test Tube Babies
PBS
Monday, 10/23, at 8 pm

A documentary on PBS about the history of IVF. I'm looking foward to watching it.

I win the Worst Mommy Ever Award

It's broken....and I made him wait until today to go to the doctor.

Ryan and I spent the day at the pediatricians office and the hospital, with numerous trips between the two. This morning he was still complaining that his arm hurt, but was using it and moving it. We decided it was worth missing school and taking him in because it was still swollen. The Ped said she was surprised by his range of motion and that the things she was asking him to do would hurt if it was broken, but with the swelling and warmth in the area, she thought it best to get an x-ray. Well, the x-ray confirmed a fracture of the elbow. We go to the Orthapedist tomorrow to get his cast. The Ped thinks it will be up to his shoulder and will probably be on for 6 weeks, which means no more soccer. :( That bums me out because he was just starting to get into the game.

My poor kid, first the ER and hospital visit and now a broken elbow, all within 6 weeks. I guess he's making up for lost time.

*On the bright side, it's the arm which has the finger he sucks. This may just break him of that habit since he won't be able to get that finger in his mouth once the cast is on.

Miscellaneous

Yes I know, I'm a slacker. It's been a busy few weeks and I've had pretty limited computer time. Oh yeah, and my computer decided to crash. We now have a new pc, let's hope our home owners insurance comes through.

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Another birthday has come and gone, and I must say I'm really looking forward to the year ahead. I turned 34, and while I don't relish getting older physically, I really do appreciate the mental and emotional growth that each year brings. That said, I still feel like I'm in my mid 20's and remember when 30 something was OLD! I wonder if I'll still get carded when I'm able to drink again? After Ryan arrived I had dark circles and crow's feet, thankfully they went away when I started getting more sleep and found a kick ass eye cream. Hopefully that will be the case after little Miss Noname makes her appearance.

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I had my 27 week appt on Friday, it went fairly well. My weight gain is pretty text book, about a pound a week now. I was hoping to not be such a perfectionist in this area, but whatever, at least I'm not overachieving. BP was fine and glucose test came back in the normal range. I was a little concerned about it, since I had it the day after my birthday. A day where I consumed cookies, cake, ice cream with chocolate sauce and pasta. Yummm, now I'm hungry. Anyway, back to my appointment, all looked good, until I mentioned the large amount of Braxton Hicks contractions I've been having. Depending on the day, it's between 20 to 50 and I've had up to 10 in an hour. I mentioned this at my appointment two weeks prior and a cervical exam showed that all was fine. Since they've continued, another cervical exam was done at this appt and Dr. Aboveandbeyond found that my cervix has started to rotate. He didn't put me on any restrictions yet, however I go back in two weeks, if there's any change discussions about medication and/or bedrest may occur. My hubby has decided that daddy and husband overrule doctor, so he's been all over my case to slow down. I really don't want to be on bedrest, so that's just what I plan to do.

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Ryan had his third soccer game yesterday. He was doing really well, until he decided that he was done. In the middle of the game he just stopped playing and went over and told his coach he was tired. There are only three on the field at a time at this age, so losing one was a big deal. I guess the capri sun and snacks on the sidelines were calling his name. Maybe it's time for some conditioning! Ryan's team won by two and all the boys are really improving, it's been fun to watch. After the game we headed to the pumpkin patch with some friends. The kids had a great time in the corn maze and feeding the animals. I've been spoiled and prefer it when there aren't hundreds of people there, but it was still enjoyable. Then everyone converged at our house for an improptu BBQ. My mother's day present finally got some use...for those who don't know, it's a chiminea. We planned to roast some marshmellows but Ryan fell off the swing on his arm and the night kind of went downhill. We don't think it's broken, but I think he may have pulled some muscles. It's still a bit swollen today and he's nursing it. Ever since his hospital visit, every thing is a major deal. So it's hard to know if he's really hurt or playing it up. He's wearing the splint the hospital gave him (it was over his IV), and seems to think that makes it feel better, so we'll watch it today and determine if a doctors visit is in store.

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Today we may attack Miss Noname's room. It's full of miscellaneous stuff, and will need to be cleaned out before we can start putting things in it. I think the double bed will be moved to Ryan's room and I already got my drafting board and treadmill out of there. That leaves an armoir and an old desk from my Grandmother's house. I think the armoir will stay, no idea what to do with the desk. Now that I think about it, Ryan's room will need a dresser, if he's changing beds, since his current bed has drawers. His closet needs some work too. Sigh, I'm not sure we'll finish all this before our baby girl makes her appearance.

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In the words of Porky Pig "That's all Folks"

Highs and Lows...

It's been crazy here since my last post. After getting home from the hospital with Ryan, Wayne and I both managed to get sick and are still recovering. Two weeks later and I'm finally feeling almost normal today...woohoo! Ryan is doing really well, and recovered very quickly after returning home, and Wayne is still coughing, but he's on the mend. I'm ready for all of us to be healthy!

I volunteered in Ryan's class for the first time a couple days ago. It was so fun and so exhausting! Fifteen barely 5 year olds can keep you on your toes. His teacher is a saint! I had groups of 5 that I did an activity with and had a hard time keeping track of them, I have no idea how his teacher maintains order all day with 15! Ryan was so sweet while I was there. He was a model student and came over to give me a hug numerous times, telling me he loved me each time. I was enjoying it, but that extra love from him made it even more fun and special. I go back next week, and can't wait.

Ryan also had his first soccer practice on Tuesday. It was hilarious. He did well physically but was really consumed by what was going on every where else on the field. His coach was great and really good at working with the little ones. I got a couple pictures that I'll try to post. We'll see if Blogger is my friend. Looking forward to tonight's practice and his first game on Saturday!

In other exciting news (What am I...a News Anchor now?) a cousin of mine got engaged over the weekend. We've all been waiting for it and I'm so happy for them. I'm already looking forward to the wedding, she'll be a GORGEOUS bride. Also, a close friend got two lines on a pregnancy test! (Congratulations again, if you're reading this!!) I can't believe the baby boom I've witnesssed over the last 18 months. Of my friends and family, she's the 24th pregnancy in that time period. Unbelievable, but so wonderful! Our little girl is going to have lots of playmates.

This post is titled highs and lows, so it's time to share the low. There's only one but it's such a big one it's overwhelmed almost everything else over the past couple weeks. My friend Jenna was diagnosed with Leukemia a week ago and is already in the hospital for treatment. It's been a whirlwind of doctors, diagnosis, emotions, stolen moments with her kids and family before heading to the hospital for treatment, and amazingly, strength and faith. Thankfully she has a huge network of support to help her through this, but ultimately she is the one who has to fight this battle. She's done it once before, when she was 14 she had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. I know she has the strength and spirit to do it again but I hate that she has too. Her first night in the hospital was really rough, but since then things have been better, and her spirits are really high. I'm so thankful that the chemo hasn't been as bad as anticipated and that her Mom and Dad are here to help her and her family right now. She's amazing me with how matter of factly she is approaching each day and how she's able to look towards December with hope and faith. Please add her to your prayer list.

Since this blog is labeled Fertilely Challenged, of course Infertility has to make an appearance. Many studies say that the depression felt by infertility patients is similar to that experienced by those facing major illnesses. During my months of treatment and loss I completely agreed with that statement. Fortunately, a positive pregnancy test, a heartbeat on an ultrasound and monthly OB/GYN appt's confirming that things are going well reduce that depression in leaps and bounds. The fact that I had to seek therapy to get through it, however, was a testiment of how rough it was for me. I lost my desire to do anything other than provide Ryan's basic needs. I became a shell of myself. I lost interest in life, I forgot how to laugh, and I barely remembered how to love my husband, family and friends....oh, and I had no love for myself. Jenna helped pull me through that. She made sure I got out of the house. She called to check in on me. She offered to watch Ryan numerous times. She helped me remember to live during a time where I just wanted to sleep. She didn't know exactly how I was feeling, because how can you if you haven't experienced something, but she did her best to let me know she cared. I only hope I can be that good of a friend to her over the next few months.

Don't forget your prayers.

Dates

July 20, 2001, May 19, 2006, Sept 1, 2006, January 13, 2007...due dates for all of my babies and dates I don't think I'll ever forget. Ryan arrived on July 24th, but the 20th still holds a place in my heart. I remember going to the movie that day and hoping my water didn't break in the middle of it. Four days and 31 hours of labor later, he arrived...healthy and handsome and the sweetest baby I had ever seen.

May 19 came and went just like any other day, except that it was my EDD for my chemical pregnancy. Even though I was only pregnant for about a minute the day still holds a firm place in my heart. There was so much hope going into our first IVF, and May 19th reminded me of hope lost. It reminded me of the dispair I felt when I got the phone call, I had a positive beta but barely. It reminded me of the severe cramps I felt that night, which I thought meant an impending miscarriage, but were signs of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome). It reminded me of the day I passed tissue that I knew had been our baby and how I stared at it and didn't know what to do with it and cried. It reminded me of the hurt between my best friend and I. She got pregnant without even trying or really being ready to, the month we did our first IVF. I wanted to be happy for her, but was just so damn jealous and hurt that a huge rift developed between us. BUT...moving forward May 19 will be a reminder of the birth of my best friends baby, and how thrilled I was to be there and witness her husband bringing the baby into the nursery after the c-section. How I was able to support my friend's mom, while she waited and was worried about her daughter and grand daughter. How I was able to share in the joy of a beautiful new life entering the world. May 19th was a difficult day but the healing has begun.

September 1st, another day, another due date. Our second IVF/ICSI brought even more hope. We were much happier with the new clinic and doctor and really felt like it would work this time. Much to our delight, it did, betas were high and tripling so we thought maybe twins! Our seven week ultrasound proved otherwise. We had one sac with nothing in it...probably a blighted ovum, but we'd go back in another week to confirm the diagnosis. One week later, a genetic abnormality had caused the baby to stop growing yet my body wasn't miscarrying on it's own. I had surgery a few days later, and woke up from the anesthesia crying from the emotional pain. A recovery room nurse callously asked why I was crying, like I had done something wrong. I didn't have the energy or the words to tell her that I'd been pregnant and full of the hopes and dreams of a baby before going into surgery and now all that was gone. I was empty. I thought all those memories would be relived on Sept 1, but instead I spent the day with my son in a doctor's office, ambulance, and emergency room. He'd had what appeared to be a minor cold the day before, and developed a fever that evening. He woke me up about 3:30 am saying he wasn't feeling well, and the next 24 hours were spent only thinking about him and his welfare. His breathing was fast and shallow, and although he was drinking fluids, I was concerned about dehydration because he'd thrown up a couple times. A visit to the pediatrician's office, two breathing treatments, a shot of steroids, and oxygen level of 92 that didn't get better with treatment meant Ryan and I got our first ride in an ambulance. After arriving at the emergency room, it took 4 tries to get his IV in, but once that was in more steriods, fluids and antibiotics were given. He was also breathing in albuterol continuously for around 2 hours or so and then every two hours thereafter. We spent about 10 hours in the ER and then moved to a room. Ryan spent the next two days in bed with IV, oxygen, and pulse/oxygen/blood pressure monitors, but he improved very quickly. Cause of all this appeared to be Viral and Bacterial Pneumonia plus Reactive Airway Disease. Ryan was such a trooper and never once complained, however, when he was finally home he mentioned a number of times how happy he was to be out of bed and "unplugged" from all the tubes and monitors. I cannot imagine how difficult it would have been to experience that while also being in labor, about to have a baby, or at home with a new baby. I would have felt torn about where to spend my time, if I'd even had the choice and it would have been incredibly difficult for daddy. I hated hearing that God had a plan, while I was going through infertility and experiencing loss after loss...but God had a plan. September 1 was a difficult day, but the healing has begun.

January 13th, 2007, 18 weeks and 5 days away. IVF/ICSI number 3 was done without much enthusiasm on my part. I was tired of all the hormones, tired of all the shots, tired of feeling like crap all the time. Just plain tired of life. We had gotten so close with the second IVF that Wayne, who had been ambivilent about IVF/ICSI #2, couldn't wait to start the third. My body and mind had no desire to do it all again so quickly, but my heart wanted to share Wayne's optimism. My love for him and desire for another child finally won out and we proceeded. Shots and pills had begun when I went in for a baseline ultrasound, which unfortunately showed a new development, a growth of some sort. Surgery quickly scheduled, another hysteroscopy and D&C, and I could continue with the planned IVF. Fast forward about a month and betas are positive, very high and doubling again! NO WAY! I was sure it hadn't worked this time and had already bought the bottle of wine I would be drinking upon hearing the news. Instead of a Wine-O, I turned into a pee stick junky. Talk of twins again and we anxiously awaited an ultrasound. Baby A was right on track, with a beautiful little beating heart. Baby B was a bit smaller and no heartbeat. It was still early so we'd go back in a week to check progress. The second ultrasound confirmed that Baby A was still right on track and that Baby B would not make it, another ultrasound in a week and another a week after, and so on. At eleven weeks the ultrasound showed that Baby B had finally been absorbed, Vanishing Twin Syndrome is what the doctors called it. I called it an incredible mix of happiness, excitement, anxiety and pain. In the long run, I had one baby that was doing well, and that is what we had to focus on. January 13, 2007, 18 weeks 5 days away. Somewhere around that day our beautiful baby girl will arrive, it will be incredibly exciting and wonderful and yet a little bittersweet as I remember her twin.

The healing has begun.