There was a time in my life when I thought “If I can just get pregnant I won’t remember or be effected by the pain of infertility”. That was before I had Ryan. We spent 4.5 years working towards bringing him into this world. It was a difficult time filled with Resolve meetings, doctor’s visits, second opinions, ultrasounds, fertility drugs, and a twelve-week wellness class focused on achieving pregnancy. Finally, we were blessed with a little boy. All was right with the world. He was wonderful, beautiful, enchanting, all consuming.
In fact, he was so wonderful that we wanted more just like him. The black beast of infertility reared its head again. I can’t say which was worse. The despair of thinking we’d never have a child or the knowledge of how great my child was and knowing that we might not be able to have another and provide him with a sibling.
The second time around we had better insurance and less time. We focused and attacked. We went straight to IVF and after three tries we were able to bring home a baby girl. All was right with the world. She was wonderful, beautiful, enchanting, all consuming.
We had two children, both of whom were perfect in our eyes. We weren’t sure if we wanted any more, but we had options. We had a few totsicles in storage.
With all that in mind, I wonder why baby showers are still hard for me. Why I still sometimes look at pregnant women and get teary. Why I'm still bitter when I hear of those who got pregnant their first month trying, or weren’t even trying and yet are pregnant. Why I’m jealous when I hear about people who don’t have a care in the world and announce a pregnancy to everyone they know within minutes of taking a test.
I know these thoughts are my issues and have nothing to do with the people they involve. I try to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I try to revel in the joy that surrounds pregnancy. I try to think about how sweet babies are and how blessed the parents will be. I try to focus on the two children I have and be thankful for them each and every day.
But in case you were wondering…Parenthood is not the cure for Infertility. I’m like an alcoholic, in recovery but definitely not cured.
5 comments:
I can understand the pain of jealousy or resentment all too well. It's hard for me personally to be positive, but it's something I strive for. I take comfort in knowing that anything worth anything, is difficult, but well worth the effort. You will only appreciate those beautiful kids of yours that MUCH MORE because of your struggles. Big hugs!!!
Oh.. Chandra, sweet Hugs!!! You have two beautiful children that are SO blessed to have two parents who wanted them so much!!! I have NO idea what infertility is like.. as I am one of those that seems to get pregnant easily... but I can tell you that there is no time that I take that for granted. I say I want four kids... which many say is being greedy.... I may want four kids... but I am blessed with whatever comes my way. A child is never a guarantee. Well said about parenthood not being a cure for infertility, I can't imagine that would be any kind of instant cure... I think it is completely justified for you to have all of those emotions!! Not the same... but I am still an emotional wreck whenever I see any news story of a home caught on fire... just very real emotions for me. HUGS girl!
Chandra - I think it hurts because you don't understand why it has to be so hard for you and each time it's easy for someone it's a reminder of how hard it has been for you!
Big Hugs,
Tamra
It is a very real reminder that life isn't fair. Two very deserving loving parents should be able to have as many children as they desire as quickly as they desire.
You know, I was skimming back through your posts and found this one. You have no idea how much I needed this today. To just hear someone as frustrated as I am, even after having a child of my own, is soothing. So thanks.
Post a Comment