The Others

It’s that time. Time to write the check that keeps our totsicles on ice for another year. Hard to believe two years have passed since they were frozen. Hard to believe we’ve arrived at what we deemed the decision making time. Unfortunately, we’ve reached this time without the decision being obvious. I don’t think I’m ready.

DM is ready. Ready with a capital R. He loves our children, and is content with the two we have. But that’s another post…

Storage isn’t cheap, however, spending another $650 is better than making a decision that I’m not happy with. Currently our options include destroying our embryos, donating them to science, donating them to infertile couples, adopting them out or keeping them frozen for another year.

In theory, we should donate them to an infertile couple. After all we’ve been through, wouldn’t that be the “thing” to do? On the other hand, it took transferring 11 embryos for us to get ONE live baby. I hate the thought of putting another couple through that, especially considering PCOS and inferior egg quality go hand in hand. In the game of IVF and FET there are no guarantees.

Another option is to destroy our embryos. I.Just.Can’t. M is here because other people donated their embryos to science. She’s here because of the generosity of people I’ll never be able to thank. She’s here because scientists were given the ability to test their theories. She’s here and I can’t fathom life without her. I can’t destroy those embryos.

Finally, we come to embryo adoption. This sounds pretty appealing, since embryo adoption follows the same laws and guidelines as domestic adoption. There are even home studies prior to placement and ongoing updates following the birth. Sounds good right? Absolutely…until I think about the possibility of a child showing up on my doorstep in 20 years. A child who wants to know why their father and I gave them up for adoption, a child who wants to know their brother and sister, a child who could have issue with our decisions. To my knowledge, there is only one organization doing embryo adoption right now and they encourage open adoptions. We would know when a child was born. We’d see pictures and hear about the child’s development. I’m not sure, but I think the knowledge of my biological child growing up with other parents might destroy me from the inside. It’s selfish, I know.

Some would say we should have thought about these issues before doing IVF. Some might be right, but some haven’t experienced the desire to have another child. Some haven’t experienced the desire to provide their child with a sibling, the desire to experience the joy of adding to their family. Some haven’t had to face that a desired pregnancy isn’t a given just because you want it.

Having to make this decision sucks, but having M in our life is so amazing we’d do it all again. But…what do we with our embryos?

Recent Photo

Ry-guy and Little Miss at the aquarium, thus the blue tint.

Spontaneity

Girls, you may think you have the best husband, but you can't possibly, because I do. Want to know why? Because last week he came home and said "Honey, pack your bags, we're going to IKEA!" Ok, maybe that wasn't exactly what he said. I think it was more like "Pack your bags we're leaving for a fun family weekend after I get off work tomorrow. We'll hit the aquarium and you can go to IKEA". Whatever, what I heard was IKEA!!!! I love that store for so many reasons, inexpensive, reasonable quality furniture, storage solutions, decorative items, free childcare, the cafe...and the list goes on and on.

We packed up and were on our way. The drive took a couple hours and was a nice time for DM and I to chat about our plans for the weekend, while R was entertained by a movie and M slept. We arrived at our hotel, to find that it was better than we'd hoped and M slept in her pack-n-play...miracle of miracles. The next day we got up and headed to IKEA for breakfast and some shopping. I spent the entire day there and enjoyed every minute. DM and the kids took off for a bit to play mini golf and enjoy the pretty spring weather. After a quick stop for dinner we went back to the hotel and spent the evening in the pool. Saturday was spent at the aquarium. We started the day in a 3D movie where puffs of air shot out from under seats and water sprinkled from the ceiling. I was surprised at how well M did and R loved it! Then onto the whale shark exhibit which was the size of a football field. We were able to walk around and through it and the last stop was a huge glass wall. We stayed there long enough to catch a docents speech. In another exhibit sea lions were playing "King of the Hill", that was R's favorite. I was intrigued by the sea dragons, they looked like something out of a Dr. Seuss book and were really fun to watch. DM's favorite were the beluga whales. We all enjoyed their grace and beauty, M even waved and babbled at them. After leaving we ended the day with another stop at IKEA and some take out from PF Changs...yum! Sunday was spent at IKEA again, we finally purchased a few things and then spent time trying to figure out how to get it home. Thankfully they have twine in the parking lot so we were able to tie a big box to the roof. We had a wonderful, relaxing weekend and it was nice to get away.

That being said, there was still plenty of fun to be had the following weekend when we redid our bedroom, and put together our furniture purchases. The room still needs some finishing touches, but I LOVE how it turned out. I've included a few before and after pictures for the curious.

100!

This is my 100th post! Hard to believe I've had that much to write about and yet that doesn't seem like much when I think about how much my kids are changing on a daily basis. On that note...

Baby M is officially walking! She started a couple days ago and hasn't stopped since. She's even run across the room a couple times! All of this is amazing, since she's been sick since Tuesday. Time to get the video camera out. Now that she's walking more than a few steps at a time, I should be able to get some good footage. On Wednesday, at the pediatrician's office, M weighed in at 25lbs 12 oz, fully clothed with jacket and sneakers. No wonder my biceps are starting to look cut.

In other news, the plague has descended upon our house. M started running a fever Tuesday night, it hit DM Wednesday, Ry-guy has a juicy cough and I finally succumbed yesterday. I had plans to hang out with the girls last night, but instead I fell asleep on the couch at 7:30 and slept until 8 this morning when the kids got up. I'm disappointed I missed my girls night, but apparently sleep was neccessary.

Enjoy your Sunday!

And so it begins

Ryan got his first phone call yesterday.

I answered the phone. A sweet little voice asked for Ryan. I passed the phone to Ryan who was grinning like a Cheshire cat. He was thrilled at first, but then his face dropped when he realized it was a GIRL and not his buddy C. Once they worked through who was calling, Ryan couldn't wait to get off the phone. Rather than hang up after he finished talking, he just said bye and continued on about how he didn't like the girl that called because she's the one who chases him at recess. The little girl and possibly her mom heard the whole thing.

As a mom, sometimes we forget that we have to teach things that are second nature to us, like hanging up a phone at the end of a conversation. And sometimes we forget just how exciting the world is in the eyes of our children. Ryan didn't get a call from the person he wanted to, but yesterday was a big day.

He got his first phone call.

One Week

The life span of a luna moth and a fruit fly are about one week. Unfortunately the life span for sleeping through the night in my house is about the same.

Last week there were nights were M went to bed late, woke up before we were in bed, or got up early, but she SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT all week long! Meaning, I never had to get out of bed to get up with her during the night. It was pure bliss. Now she's teething again and has been up for hours...literally hours...during the night.

She has 10 teeth now and two more on the way. She won't teeth forever, right?

Juno

I went to see Juno yesterday. In case you don't know, it's a movie about a teenage girl who gets pregnant and finds an infertile couple to adopt the baby.

It was a cute movie. The main character, Juno, is smart, witty, flippant, cute, but completely unbelievable. It's not her acting that's unbelievable, it's the character. You only see her cry twice. If I'd found out at 16 that I was pregnant, I think I would have done nothing but cry. And then to come to the end of a pregnancy and give a baby away; it's such a selfless act and an incredible gift for a family, but I'd imagine it to be so difficult for the biological mother. That being said, at 35 I wish I could be as self assured as the character is; I wish I could feel as sure of major decisions as she does.

The parents, were funny and likeable, but also unbelievable. They didn't cry, yell or blame when they found out their daughter was pregnant, they just made lists about what needed to be done. The stepmom came to her daughters defense when an ultrasound tech gave her grief and at the end the dad tells Juno that she'll be in the hospital having a baby again but it will be on her terms. I felt like those were the only moments where the relationship felt very "real".

The infertile woman fit the stereotype. A type A personality who's anxious and focusing on paint colors so she doesn't have to constantly stress and fret about whether the adoption will go through. At one point she runs into Juno at the mall, she drops down onto her knees to talk to the baby and try to feel it kick. When it does, her reaction is perfect. Spoiler alert....the couple's divorce fits the stereotype too, unfortunately.

I enjoyed the movie because of the witty dialogue, but found myself crying through parts where others were laughing. Truth be told, I cried through most of it and left feeling drained and out of sorts.

I've had a hard time changing my blogs name. Maybe that's because my emotions about infertility still run deep. My tears yesterday are just another reminder of that.

A little about a lot

I haven’t had much to write about lately. Ryan’s doing well in school, seems content, has a group of friends, is learning a lot, and runs from the girls who try to kiss him at recess. He’s proud to say they haven’t caught him for a kiss even once. Makenna got two new teeth last month, is still walking on her knees with moments of walking on her feet and is starting to exhibit an opinion. Sleeping is still hit or miss, but now that those teeth have popped though the last week has been better. The DM continues to be busy at work. There are lay offs and hiring freezes, so it’s a bit stressful.

It seems that there’s nothing else worth mentioning, yet I remember my friend Jenna’s blog posts were often just a stream of consciousness. At the time, they seemed like nothing important, now they’re final words from her. I’ve enjoyed going back through her blog and reading about how she spent her days and being reminded of things we did together. Through those words she constantly reminds me to live in the moment. To cherish my family and friends and the moments I have with them.

In true Jenna fashion, I’ll conclude with my own stream of consciousness. Today we went to a Valentine’s playdate after school; about a quarter of my moms group attended which meant we had 15 kids and 8 moms. We decorated cookies, exchanged valentines and the kids played while the moms chatted. We had a great time. Prior to that Makenna and I had lunch with a friend and her daughter, ran a few errands and spent some time in Target searching for gifts for my secret valentine. Ryan and DM started the day together; it was Donuts with Dad day at school. Ryan jumped out of bed the minute his light was turned on; he was so excited to bring his daddy to school. If only I could get him to do that every day.

Look at that, nothing to write about turned into three paragraphs.

Super Tuesday

I cast my vote today.

Did you?

Another PSA

I was watching Good Morning America this morning and during one of the segments they said that 40 million water bottles are used every day and only 15% are recycled...the rest sit in landfills. They also said that bottled water is monitored by the FDA and tap water is monitored by the EPA. Guess what, the EPA has stricter standards! So, get yourself a reusable water bottle, and use it! Oh, and don't forget to check the recycle number if you go with a plastic bottle.

On and on and on....

I'm still working on a name for my blog. "Imperfect Perfection" and "Vanilla with a Dash of Sass" tied in my poll. Other thoughts have been "Green is the new Black", "Becoming" and "In the Moment". It's silly that this matters to me, but it does. The name debate continues.

Better Late than Never

Tuesday was the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, not sure how I missed that. Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m Pro-Choice. That doesn’t mean I’m Pro Abortion, it means I’m Pro-Choice. When you think about it, really think about, who in their right mind is pro abortion? No one thinks about their future and jumps up and down with anticipation over the possibility of getting an abortion. No one wants to make that choice. Some people, based on circumstances beyond their control, or within their control, have to make it. You might find this odd, coming from someone who worked so hard to achieve pregnancy and children, but the thing is safe abortions save the lives of a lot of women. Think about the women who are pregnant and experiencing medical issues that could take their lives and the lives of their unborn children. Think about the women who are pregnant and don’t want to be, who in other times would take matters into their own hands and perform a DIY abortion. Because of these reasons and many others, hundreds of blogs took part in Bloggers for Choice day Tuesday, explaining why they vote Pro-Choice.

http://www.prochoiceamerica.org/choice-action-center/bfc08-home.html

* I vote Pro-Choice because I believe each woman should be able to decide what occurs within her body.
* I vote Pro-Choice because I believe there are women who shouldn’t be forced to carry a pregnancy, ie pregnancy due to rape, women who find out their child will have an illness that will cause the child to just live a couple hours or days, women who’s own health is in jepardy because of a pregnancy.
*I vote Pro-Choice because I believe that if abortion is made illegal it opens the door for other things to be made illegal, such as emergency contraception, comprehensive sex education, and certain forms of birth control.
*I vote Pro-Choice because if a woman doesn’t want a baby and is forced to carry one, who knows what she might eat, drink, smoke, inject in hopes of causing harm to the child and therefore causing a miscarriage. Think about the disabilities that child could have if it survived.
*I vote Pro-Choice because I vote for women’s rights in a day when most of our government is still male dominated.

*I vote Pro-Choice….always have, always will. I’m thankful I’ve never had to make that choice, and thankful that the choice is mine.

Funk

I’ve been in a bit of a post holiday funk. The weeks leading up to the holidays were full, busy, a little stressful and filled with fun events. Then we were traveling and enjoying great visits with each of our families. After arriving home, we celebrated New Year’s Eve with some of our best friends, and then celebrated M’s first birthday. Thanksgiving through early January was one big fun celebration with people who are important to us.

Now we’re home, it’s cold, nothing fun to look forward to, no plans for the upcoming months. I like to have plans, I like seeing our families, I like to have things to look forward to. When there’s nothing “in the works” I get grumpy. The bad thing is, when mommy’s in a funk the whole family is in a funk.

Recognizing it was time to pull myself out of my gloom, I started thinking about school again. I did some research, talked to some schools, and lo and behold I started feeling happy again. Excited. Alive. It’s not so much school that excites me, but the end result of a second degree, which in hindsight should have been my first.

I love my children and I love my life, but in a few years both kids will be in school and then what? I need to prepare now for that time. I struggle with feeling selfish. I don’t want to add bills to our family, I don’t want to miss out on family time, and I don’t want to put more of a burden on my already stressed husband. But, I really want to be an Interior Designer. My heart swells when I think about creating spaces where people will feel warm and happy. My fingers itch to create. My head thinks about global warming and how I could make a small difference through green design. My family is my passion, but so is design. As a mother, I feel guilty about that. As a woman, I feel blessed. I’m lucky to have such a great family and lucky that I’ve figured out, at a relatively young age, what I want to be when I grow up.

Now I just need to make it happen.

Saw this on Heather's Blog, thought I'd play along.

Who's Your Sex and the City Match?

My Result: Charlotte

Looking for the perfect Bergdorf Goodman dishes to match your impeccable kitchen? Shopping at Tiffany's for a new string of pearls? Fantasizing about the perfect job as a New York City art gallery owner? Maybe not exactly, but when it comes to a refined taste and a sweetness like no other, you're just like Charlotte!

Of course you aren't all sugar; you've definitely got a tough heart under that pretty cashmere sweater, but you are probably happiest when you are surrounded by supportive relationships and a great romance (you only get two, you know!) So live it up, because you deserve nothing but the best in life, whether it's fine china or true love. Now that's some good taste!

Take this test >

Questions from a 6 year old

A recent conversation between Ry-guy, DM and I.

R: Mom, why did you feed my sister like a cow?

DM & Me: Laughter...and lots of it

R: Why are you laughing at me?

Me: Sorry. I fed M because I'm a mammal and mammals feed their babies with milk their body produces.

R: So...can I do it?

Me: Ummm, No.

R: Why not???

DM: Because you're a boy.

After a few moments of intense thought...

R: Maybe I should try it.

No response because DM and I had dissolved into laughter again.

What's in a name...

The name debate continues. My mom and stepdad read my blog and called to talk about the name change last night. My stepdad wanted to retract his vote because he feels like all the names are static. He said I should consider something that will continue to grow and change along with my life. My mom said I should include something about creativity, because that's what inspires me. Interestingly, I looked creative up in the thesauraus and a related word is fertility. Who knew? All along I thought I was fertilely challenged, but I guess I was just partially fertilely challenged.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Did you know...Using reusable shopping bags can save the average American 300 to 700 plastic shopping bags per year, which will save 3 to 7 gallons of crude oil. A population of 100,000 can save up to 14,000 barrels of oil per year using reusable bags.

~Taken from ChicoBag, a maker of reusable bags.

Another bonus, reusable bags are generally easier to carry and can hold more which makes for fewer trips in from the car when unloading.

~Taken from my experience...:)

Cool Change...

Is The Little River Band song running through your head after that title? Just wait, you'll have a few more songs in your head by the end of this post.

It's time for a change. A new name to be exact. Fertilely challenged, while still fitting, isn't the focus of my world anymore. Thank goodness! The problem is, I've been thinking about this for months and can't seem to come up with a new name. Not that it should matter, not many people read this and the ones that do probably don't care about the title of this blog. It matters to me though.

When I think about my life song titles tend to run through my head, These are the Days" by Van Morrison, "Better Together" by Jack Johnson, "Better Days" by the Goo Goo Dolls. All would be appropriate names but not unique. Remember how I stressed about choosing a unique name for Makenna? Well, here we go again.

So, I've come up with three titles and I'm going to let you guys weigh in, or comment and make suggestions of something better!

Here's what I've come up with:

Imperfect Perfection
Vanilla with a dash of Sass
Girly Granola

Imperfect Perfection. I've always been a people pleaser and a bit of a perfectionist, but no matter how hard I try I'll never be perfect. Infertility taught me that gem. That being said, my life is perfect...for me. I have a husband that loves me, two awesome kids, a great circle of family and friends, and all the material possessions I need. Sure there are things I want, things that bug me, things that I'd change, but that's why it's Imperfect Perfection.

Vanilla with a dash of Sass. For the most part, this blog is pretty vanilla, the language isn't too bad, the content isn't too crazy. But every once in awhile, a little sass comes out. I think that's pretty true for me in life too.

Girly Granola. I'm fairly girly with Granola/Crunchy/Hippie tendencies. 'Nuff said.

If you're so inclined, take the poll and give me your opinion.

They Say It's Your Birthday!!!

Dear Makenna,

Happy Birthday, you’re a year old now!!! Your birthday was spent like most of our days. Ry-guy was back at school, DM was back at work and you and I spent the day playing, grocery shopping and making a cake. We’ve been gone for the majority of the last couple weeks, so it was nice to be home and just hang out. When the boys got home from school and work we had dinner and watched you devour your cake. I can’t even guess at how many times you were sang to during the course of the day and each rendition of “Happy Birthday to You” made you smile and clap. You had a birthday party in Colorado with a number of family members in attendance; you picked at your store bought cake and enjoyed the attention. Ryan was right there when it was time to open your gifts. It’s a good thing he was willing to help, since you were enthralled by a piece of tissue paper. Now that we’re home, we’ll probably have a little gathering with a couple close friends. It’s been an exciting couple of weeks for you!

As for the final month of your first year, we spent much of it traveling. We drove, approximately 27 hours across the country so that we could spend time with lots of our family. The trip included time in Flagstaff, AZ where you met your Gramps and Grammy for the first time, as well as your Great Grandpa Craig and Great Grandma Mimi. You loved the dogs at Gramps and Grammy’s house and felt comfortable enough that G&G were even able to hold you. You also got to see and touch snow for the first time! Ryan was quite proud of this due to his serious fascination with snow. After a couple days in AZ we traveled to CO for the rest of our visit. The first couple days were spent with your Daddy’s family, all of your uncles, aunts and most of your cousins were there, along with Grandma and Grandpa. We counted 31 people! You met most of them for the first time and they all loved you. Separation anxiety still made an appearance but you let your cousin Britnay hold you and had fun playing with her daughter Ivy. Your uncles Gene and Allen tried and tried to pick you up but you stuck close to Mom and Dad the rest of the time. Then on to visit with Nana and Papa, uncle Colin, Andrea and Kenya Dog joining us again. (They were in Flagstaff too) You were a little overwhelmed by the whole present thing, but by the third go round you’d started to figure it out. Which was good because you got A LOT of presents this year. I was concerned you might be attracted to the wood burning stove at their house, but you barely looked its way. Instead you enjoyed lots of attention, plenty of toys and barely had time to find any mischief. The trip home was uneventful and loooooong. We were all so ready to be home that we barely stopped and made it home in 24 hours. I suppose I should mention that your dad and I both like to speed. I’ll deny that fact when you’re learning to drive.

We were home for a day and then packed up again so that we could spend New Year’s Eve with our closest friends. We all enjoyed ringing in the New Year together, you and Gracie enjoyed playing, and she was nice enough to let you sleep in her crib, allowing you to actually sleep while the ball dropped and the fireworks began. You woke up later, but we didn’t mind as we cuddled with you and welcomed another year.

It’s been an incredible month and year baby girl. I’m looking forward to all the things the year ahead will bring, walking, talking, sleeping through the night, maybe, playing, dancing, singing, fighting with your brother. Well, maybe not the fighting with your brother. I feel like I’ll never forget these days but just today I remembered something about your early months I’d already forgotten. When you were tiny, I’d hold you in my arms at night and you’d suck on my arm to fall asleep. I don’t think I’ve ever written that down. At the time it didn’t seem noteworthy, but now it’s a sweet memory. A couple more things, you were an amazing traveler during our cross-country trek, so much better than when we returned from Florida! You slept and played and didn’t fuss very much. You and Ryan made our trip so much better than I’d anticipated. Also, you haven’t started walking yet, but you “walk” on your knees and bounce up and down. I don’t think I’ve ever seen another baby do this. Your hair is coming in quickly now and it’s curly! Much to my delight! I hope I can teach you how to work with it so you don’t hate it as much as I hated mine. As an adult I love my curly hair, I hope you’ll appreciate yours much sooner.

Your one-year appt is Monday; I look forward to finding out how tall you are and how much you weigh. You’re firmly in 18-24 month clothes so I’d guess that you remain at the top of the charts.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl! I love you always!
Mommy

*Picture and measurements to follow after doctor's appt.

11 Months - Only two weeks late...

Dear Makenna,

Month 11 has come and gone and with holiday travel and festivities I’m just now getting to your 11 month post. A small case of mommy guilt comes with my procrastination.

This month had just a couple firsts worth mentioning. In no particular order, you started waving, you had your first near death experience and you met your Great Grandma.

The waving started one day and has yet to stop. You’re so proud of your new skill you wave to everything, whether it waves back or not. We all love it and encourage you to practice, practice, practice.

You met your Great Grandma during the Thanksgiving holiday. We converged upon her house in IL, along with all three of your uncles and their spouses/significant others, your Nana & Papa, and Papa’s sister’s family. GiGi (Great Grandma) was so busy with all the entertaining, cooking, cleaning etc, that you weren’t able to spend much time with each other, but she loved every minute of your time together. You, on the other hand, did well the first day but by the second you were a bit clingy with your daddy and I. While your separation anxiety can sometimes be difficult to deal with, there’s a part of me that cherishes this time because I know the day will come when you won’t want to be with us.

The rest of the month was fairly uneventful, other than the daily cuddles and kisses that always make my heart soar. You are such a cuddle bug and love to be held. You continue to initiate bunny kisses and now we even get the open mouthed kiss on a regular basis. You’re still crawling, however we can see you developing your sense of balance and you’re getting more daring. Amazingly enough, I think you made it through the entire month without teething! You’re at 8 teeth…and holding…however I think your eyeteeth will start causing some issues soon. I can feel your gums starting to swell.

As for your near death experience, well, I can be a little dramatic. You did have a pretty close call though. We’d been at a friend’s house and you managed to get hold of a little star sticker and put it in your mouth without me realizing. As we walked to the car, to pick Ryan up from school, I realized you were gasping and not getting any air. I swept your mouth, did the Heimlich maneuver and then you started throwing up. You probably threw up 20 or 30 times and finally the star came out. By the time it was over, we were both covered in puke and tears. I’m not sure if the tears on me were yours or mine. Either way, I know I hugged you extra tight for quite awhile after it was over.

You have been such a joy over the last month. I love watching you grow and change but I’m enjoying this stage so much that I hate that it’s passing so quickly. It’s hard to believe you’ll be turning ONE in just a few short weeks.

I love you Makenna,
Mama