Anniversaries

July 24th was the anniversary of the birth of my son. July 27th was the one month anniversary of a close friend's death. August 7th was the 14th anniversary of my wedding day.

As those three dates approached, I felt the need to do something to remember and commemorate each of them. An opportunity came our way through a cousin and his "summer" job. A summer job at Disneyworld! A summer job that would allow us to take a quick vacation for a realitively small amount. A summer job that would allow us to fufill a dream for Ryan. A summer job that would allow us to run away from reality and reconnect for a few short days.

So, I shopped for snack food and drinks, filled our cooler, made sandwiches, packed our bags and off we went. Two glorious days at the beach and two very busy and very long days at Disneyworld. It was wonderful! We left after work on Thursday and ended up driving through the night. Wayne took the first shift and drove until 2:30 am! We had planned to stop somewhere along the way, but I'd gotten some sleep so I decided to drive the rest of the way. We hit Clearwater Beach just after the sun came up. After a stop for breakfast it was on to our hotel, which already had our room available much to our surprise. We were suited up, fully covered in sunscreen and on the beach by 10 am. We proceeded to spend the next two days playing in the sand and surf, collecting seashells and fully enjoying two very lazy days. The Mister and I even found our way to the poolside bar where a few fruity drinks were consumed. There's nothing like a fruity umbrella drink to make me think vacation.

After that, we were on our way to Disney. We arrived around 1 and after a quick stop at the hotel to check in, we met my cousin at the gates of Disneyworld's Magic Kingdom! I think I was more excited than Ryan. Our first stops were to see Goofy and get Ryan a visor. Unfortunately, his face got a bit too much sun at the beach so some damage control was in order. We hit a number of rides, saw the show at the castle, and snuck into one of the shops to cool down and have some ice cream. That night we met my cousin at his second job and had a yummy dinner before heading back to the hotel. The next day included much of the same. We started with a character breakfast where we met the Mad Hatter (a friend of my cousin's), Alice in Wonderland, Mary Poppins, Tigger and Winnie the Pooh. Ryan got star treatment and, much to my dismay, spent a few minutes chasing Tigger around the restaurant trying to retrieve his hat. Bad Tigger! Ryan met the Power Rangers and got autographs from two of them, I think that was the highlight of his day. Well, that and his ride on Thunder Mountain. Have I mentioned that Ryan LOVES roller coasters. This made his daddy very happy. We wrapped up the day as the parade made it's way down Main Street. Rather and sit...or stand...and watch it go by, we made our way to the front gates and still saw the entire thing. By the time we feel into bed that night we'd had our fill of Disney and were ready to head home. We only made it to the Magic Kingdom and MGM Studio's so I'm sure another visit will be in our future when Makenna's a bit older.

The trip home was a bit more difficult than the drive to Florida, but only because we dropped Wayne at the airport in Orlando so he could head to NYC. The kids were great and slept through most of Florida, however, Georgia was an entirely different story. Even with stops, Makenna had enough traveling by the time we hit Tennesse so we ended up stopping in Chattanooga for the night. The final two hours were easy and enjoyable.

All in all, it was a successful family vacation. Many memories made. Lots of fun and relaxation. A few souveniers purchased along the way. Good times...good times.

Hi

Remember me? I used to write stuff and post it to this web address. Um...yeah.

So I've had a brief blogging hiatus. I've been feeling a bit raw since Jenna passed away. Guarding my emotions and sanity has been a priority and since I tend to lay those on the line when I blog, well I think you get the point. That said, scroll down. You'll find a few posts that I've been composing in snippits over the last month.

7 months

Dear Makenna,

Your sixth month passed in the blink of an eye. In fact, it passed so quickly that I'm late getting to this months letter.

This month brought another trip to Chicago for my cousin's wedding. The day went off without a hitch, my cousin was a beautiful bride and you danced with your Papa on the dance floor during most of the reception. My cousin's girlfriends told me how cute and sweet you were numerous times, which made me swell with love and pride. You looked so cute in your dress, I wish I had a picture. Unfortunately my camera stopped working so I'm hoping the photographer got a picture of you.

We also took a trip to Disney world and the beach. You were a trooper and took naps on a lounge chair or in your stroller or backpack. You were wonderful during the day, however the nights were a different story...until I put you in bed with your daddy and I. Then you slept for the rest of the night without a peep. I hope you don't expect that to continue. You may have slept well, but we sure didn't.

You've begun eating more and more foods and seem to love everything I put in your mouth. You do really well with texture so you've even gotten a bit of table food already. Summer Veggies and Winter Squash rank as current favorites, as well as the little pieces of wheat noodles I've shared off my plate.

At the end of the month you started to develop a little seperation anxiety. I'm guessing it's going to get worse before it gets better, but I hope it's short lived!

You continue to have your brother wrapped around your little finger. He can't get enough of you and always comes running if he hears you fussing. The two of you play together a lot during the day, I'm not sure what you're going to think when he goes back to school.

You are still teething! I hope those two top teeth pop through soon. Thankfully Highland's Teething tablets help. Although I'm not sure if they really help or if the excitement of eating them distracts you from the pain. Either way, they stop you from fussing for a bit which is good for my sanity.

You are developing all sorts of new skills. You actually stood up, by yourself, in your tub at the end of the month. Your dad called me in to see, but I missed it. I can't believe you were able to do that already! You've begun pulling your knees under you and trying to push up on your hands. You aren't there just yet but I bet you'll be crawling before we know it. You've become much more interested in your toys and world around you. You're constantly checking things out and trying to reach things that are close to you. I guess your dad and I should think about child proofing pretty soon.

It's been a great, albeit busy and quick month. While I'm sad the baby days seems to be going so quickly, I love watching you grow and change. I wonder what next month's letter will hold!

We love you Makenna!

Love,
Mom

Light The Night

Light The Night is an annual American Cancer Society event to raise funds for cures. It’s the nation’s night to pay tribute and bring hope to thousands of patients and their families.

Funds raised through Light The Night Walk support the work of hundreds of the world’s best and brightest researchers in their search for better therapies and cures for leukemia, lymphoma and myeloma.

I'll be walking in this years Light The Night walk in Memory of Jenna Jurgens and Brian Wood. If you'd like to donate please follow the link.

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/2024_chandraharrison

If you'd prefer to order a magazine instead of sponser me as a walker, you can do so at the following link. Fourty percent of the subscription price will go to our walk team.

http://www.magfundraising.com/walkforjenna

If you'd like to find a chapter near you and walk in memory or honor of someone follow this link.

http://www.lightthenight.org/

The Mother's Group that I'm in will also working on a fundraiser for the family of Jenna over the next few months. We hope to raise enough to establish memorial funds for her three children as well as help with bills that accrued due to Jenna's fight with Leukemia. If you'd like to support that cause please let me know and I can tell you how to do so.

With the recent passing of my friend Jenna, this walk is close to my heart. We knew about the walk last year, we found out about it soon after Jenna was diagnosed. A group of us considered walking, but decided that our money and time would be better spent helping her and her family. With that in mind, we decided we'd all walk this year, Jenna included. Jenna will be with us this year, but not the way we'd planned. She'll be with us in heart and spirit and mind. She'll be with us as we pass the luminario with her name on it. She'll be with us as we look at the flames of the candles that all the walkers will be holding. She'll be with us as we put on our team hats or shirts that let people know we're walking in her memory. She'll be with us in the stories and tears that I'm sure will be shared and shed that night. It won't be nearly enough, but it's what we've got.

You're s-s-s-six!!!

Dear Ryan,

Happy 6th Birthday!

First, I have to apologize. I've been doing monthly birthday letters for your sister, but am only doing a yearly one for you. Unfortunately I didn't think of doing monthly letters for you when you were a baby, however I'm thrilled to be starting the tradition now.

There are so many things I want to tell you about the 5 year old you that I don't even know where to begin.

This past year has been an amazing one for you. You started kindergarten readiness and really excelled in the program. Your dad and I couldn't have been happier. I spent hours researching K readiness programs vs kindergarten for young 5 yr olds. After talking to child psychologists, elementary, middle school and high school teachers, men who started school early and those who didn't, I felt like K readiness might be the way to go and was thrilled that the school we're zoned for offered a program. You tested well academically but socially were still a bit egocentric so the K teachers agreed with my assessment. You were one of the stars of your class. Your teacher, Mrs. Schott, said you were such a joy to teach and awarded you the citizenship award at the end of the year. Academically you learned in leaps and bounds and by the end of the year you were reading! You also loved talking about letters and patterns and began working on minor addition problems.

You had two "firsts" this past year that we didn't enjoy. They included your first ambulance ride, emergency room visit and hospital stay and your first broken bone. The hospital visit was due to a case of viral and bacterial pneumonia which brought with it a bout of reactive airway disease. The doctors were calling it asthma but you've had limited breathing issues since then. We believe that when you get a cold your allergies sometimes cause it to progress quickly. Your first broken bone came about a month later, and in the middle of your first season of Soccer. You were playing on the swingset in the backyard, hanging upside down, and fell onto your elbow. You fractured the tip of it and wore a cast for about a month.

As I just mentioned, you played an organized sport for the first time this past year. You played both fall and spring Soccer. You loved your coach and enjoyed all the boys on your team, however your dad and I aren't sure Soccer is the sport for you. Your eye/hand coordination is really good and you've been expressing a desire to play baseball, so that will probably be your team sport this fall.

You became a big brother this year! I know I'm biased, but you're the best big brother ever. You are so caring with your sister, constantly checking on her, playing with her, asking to help feed or hold her. She loves you so much and you love her right back. You've now begun asking when we're going to have another baby. We think you should wait to ask that question until your sister starts moving and getting into your stuff. You might not be so thrilled about the idea then.

You learned to ride your bike without training wheels this past spring. You'd tried to do it while Nana was still here, after Makenna was born, but one big hill and your inability to stop changed your mind. Daddy put the training wheels back on, but at a higher level, so you were pretty much riding without them except when you turned. That did the trick and soon you were "4 wheeling" across the front yard minus training wheels.

You still suck your first finger, much to my dismay. It's yet to cause any harm to your teeth or mouth that we know of, however you have a rather large gap between your two front teeth. Speaking of teeth, you are so good at brushing your teeth. No cavities to date. Daddy and I are thrilled!

I'm going to end this with some of your favorites:
Type of Sandwich: Peanut Butter and Jelly, although you enjoy Turkey too
Vegetable: Carrots with Ranch Dressing or Salad
Board Game: Zingo or Hullabaloo
Activity: Riding your bike, playing in the pool or playing video games with your dad
Superhero: Tie between the Power Rangers, Superman and Spiderman
Flavor of Yogurt: French Vanilla
Friend: Connor. He was in your class at school.
Food: Anything sweet. Cereal, Pizza, Salad, Pancakes, Spaghetti and Tuna Bagels rank in the list of foods you'll always eat.
Saying: "too" It's your response when we say "I love you". You started with "I love you too" but it gradually became "too"
Name for your Dad: Dude
Color: Green, Blue, and Yellow usually top the list. You said it was yellow until you were about 4.

Ryan, you are such a great kid! You have your moments where you test your Dad and I, but overall you are such a joy. We are so thankful you're a part of our family and so excited to watch you grow and mature. We are so proud of you and I know we'll continue to be able to say that as you get older. We love you!

Love,
Mom

Grief

I've led a pretty charmed life. My exposure to loss and grief has been fairly minimal. With that in mind I wondered how I would feel as I worked through the emotions of Jenna's passing. I must say I've been knocked over by the intensity of it.

Prior to this, the height of emotion surrounding a death occurred at the funerals I've attended or at the time of the phone call giving me the news that someone I knew and loved had passed away. I certainly experienced lingering periods of sadness and spent plenty of time thinking about memories I shared with that person. I cried off and on over a period of time, but as the saying goes, time heals all wounds. As time passed, it really did get easier to think of my loved one with a smile instead of tears.

My most intense visits with grief have been with people I didn't spend much time with. A friends' 9 year old daughter who, coincidentally, died of Leukemia, a friends’ dad who passed away unexpectedly at a young age, my husbands’ 14 year old nephew who committed suicide.

Each of those funerals was incredibly difficult.

Jenna's funeral was incredibly difficult.

Based on history, I expected her wake and funeral to be the hardest moments of dealing with the loss of such a wonderful friend. I was so naive. I had yet to understand just how difficult life would be without her. I've spent hours in the middle of the night tossing and turning, thinking of Jenna and trying to stay in a dream that she was a part of. (Interestingly enough, she's had long hair in my dreams each night. I can't help but think it's because she's free from cancer now.) I've had moments where I wanted to tell her something and after I hit her number on speed dial or commit it to memory so I can tell her at a later time, I remember...I can't tell her. I break into tears over nothing. Then I start thinking about the fun times we had, about the funny stories we shared, about the beautiful children she left behind and what a legacy she left them with her blog and love of pictures.

There are moments of peace, knowing that Jenna and Will are together in Heaven along with the two babies she miscarried. There are moments of anger because Ashlee, Kait and Jake are much too young to have lost the mother who dedicated her life to them. There is intense sadness for the husband she shared a great love with, the brother who was prepared to save his sister's life, the sister who lost her mentor, the mother who lost not only a daughter but a friend, the dad who spent days next to his daughter's hospital bed in the midst of his own health issues, the mother in law that loved her like a daughter not a daughter in law, the sister in law that lost a friend and a constant cheerleader. The list could go on and on because Jenna touched so many people. She was better than anyone I know at keeping in touch with those she cared about and she really cared about most people she knew.

As I try to wrap my head and my heart around her loss, I feel myself withdrawing. It's hard to talk with people that didn't know Jenna because I feel like my grief radiates from me. It's hard to talk with friends that are as grief stricken as I, because that much grief is painfully intense. It's hard to talk about the daily minutia because it seems so inconsequential. It's hard to think about the monumental loss that Jenna's family and friends are dealing with. To put it bluntly, grief sucks.

I've done this withdrawl thing once before in my life. Our numerous IVF's and miscarriages had me raw, antisocial and physically and emotionally exhausted. Jenna was such a great friend during that time. (Just for the record, she was always a great friend, but especially so during that time.) She constantly called and invited me to things and rarely took no for an answer. She offered to watch Ryan so Wayne and I could have time together. She, and a couple others, listened to my endless talk of shots, embryos, sperm samples, follicles, ICSI, insurance and betas. Between her constant calls and invites, and some much needed time with my mom, I slowly started to live in the moment again.

So here's my question...with Jenna gone, how do I remember to live in the moment?

I guess the answer to that is in the moments of laughter I share with friends as we reminisce about our times with Jenna. It's in the belly laughs my son lets out when he's done something funny. It's in the bunny kisses my daugher initiates numerous times each day. It's in the kisses from my husband and conversations with those I love. I know Jenna wouldn't want people to be sad, well at least not for long, but I also know it's human nature to mourn. Living in the moment will be back, but for now I grieve the loss of my friend and try to remember to appreciate the little things.

One Week

A week ago, at this time, I was talking to Jenna on the phone. We laughed about how she was slurring her words just a bit due to being morphine drunk and I sent her pictures of me in a dress I'm considering wearing to my cousin's wedding. It's rather low cut, so I wasn't sure about it. Jenna loved a good cleavage shot, so I asked her opinion. She talked about all the things she wanted for her room so that it would be colorful and full of pictures and life. She especially wanted the calendar Jacy made for her during her first "jail" stay. She was so excited for her visit with her girls and mom later in the day and trying to decide what to have for lunch. A friend was coming to visit and Jenna was hoping she'd bring take out. We talked about her trip to the beach and how much she loved that time with her family even though she was in so much pain from her leg.

I was watching a friends kids at the time and Jenna wanted to call her friend that was going to visit, so we cut the conversation short. I said I'd call her later that day or the next morning. I wasn't able to call back that afternoon and when I called the next morning her phone just rang.

That final conversation included lots of things that Jenna and I often chatted about...family, friends, food, fashion. We giggled a number of times. I'm glad I didn't know it would be our last conversation. I would have been too sad to just enjoy the chat and our friendship. On the other hand I wish I knew I wouldn't talk to her again, there's so much more I would have said.

6 Months!

Dear Makenna,

Happy six month birthday!

This past month has been an exciting one for you with lots of firsts.

The month kicked off with a trip to Chicago for my cousin Colleen's bridal shower and bachelorette party. You and I traveled by ourselves and the boys stayed home. You did so well on the plane and to my delight slept for most of the flight. You met a lot of my mom's family for the first time and enjoyed being held constantly by your Nana or one of my many aunts. I was so impressed by how flexible you were during the trip. We slept in a couple different places, and you seemed to adapt pretty easily. We toured the home of Frank Lloyd Wright and while you got a little fussy because you were tired, we all managed to enjoy the tour. In true Irish fashion, you went to your first pub...or three. Thankfully, all the pubs were smoke free so you and I could join the rest of the family. You also had your first sips of water. We were window shopping one morning and you seemed really hot in your stroller. You appeared to enjoy the cold water and I'm sure the puddle of it on your chest helped cool you down too. You still spit up all the time and I think you managed to get each of my aunts a couple times during our visit. Thank goodness for the Tide to go pen.

I finally found a Whole Foods that carried the bottles I'd been searching for. I'm so happy to have them because the glass bottles we've been using leak all the time. The new bottles are plastic but BPA free and they also have the colic reduction insert similar to the Dr. Brown's bottles. A sippy cup of the same plastic was also purchased. I can hardly believe you'll be drinking out of one of those before too long.

You love to play with your feet and spend quite a bit of time grabbing at your toes. You've also discovered how to hold things with two hands and check them out. Prior to this, you would bat at things and grab onto them, but you had a difficult time moving them around in a controlled fashion.

You have yet to get any more teeth. It feels as though the teeth on either side of your two bottom teeth will be coming in soon. If the constant gnawing on your fingers and drooling is any indication those teeth will be breaking through your gums any minute!

You're a great sleeper, even though you've been a bit restless the last couple nights. I attribute your wakefullness to teething, a cold and maybe a growth spurt. I really hope that's the case and you start sleeping through the night again soon! In case you aren't aware, your mom and dad really like their sleep.

You still love to play pat-a-cake and peekaboo, and now you initiate bunny kisses and open mouthed, slobbery "kisses" on the side of our faces. It always catches me off guard when you bonk foreheads with me and rub your nose back and forth against mine. We both usually end up with red spot on our foreheads...but it's well worth the red spot for a bunny kiss!

You have a quick and easy smile. All I have to do is glance at you and one of your big grins appears, often accompanied by your frog croak. You make this noise when you're happy and it makes the rest of us laugh, which in turn makes you do it more or if you're really tickled you'll belly laugh. Your smile is still as evident in your eyes as it is on your mouth. I love to watch the twinkle in your eyes when you're happy or think something is funny.

You're ticklish. You can blame me for that, I'm really ticklish too. When your dad and I were dating he used to tickle me all the time. Now I can usually get out of a good tickle match by pulling your brother into the mix. He's really ticklish too and LOVES to be tickled until he screams "mercyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

You continue to grow like a weed. At your well visit you weighed in at 20 lbs and 26.5 inches. That puts you at 97% in weight and 78% for height. Have I mentioned that the pediatrician guesstimates you'll be about 5'9" as an adult.

Your a bit of a drama queen. If we don't respond quickly enough or in the way you want you get really mad and scream at the top of your lungs. I'm not a fan of these moments now, I can only imagine how trying they'll be when you're two. Thankfully you can be pulled out of a temper tantrum as quickly as you fall into one and the only time you get fussy is if you're tired or hungry.

You can sit up for a few minutes at a time now and are really proud of that skill. You talk and smile the whole time. I think you like it so well because you can reach your toes really easily. Those toes and your doll are your two favorite toys currently.

Your introduction to different foods has been fun. As I give you bites I often make an "Mmmmmmm" sound. Now, as you eat you constanly make that sound. It's amazing to watch you change and develop and start communicating through actions and noises. Along that line of thought, we've started signing with you. So far we're using the signs for drink, eat, all done, more and tired. You seem intrigued by the hand motions, I'll be interested to see when you start doing them yourself.

I love you Makenna, you're my favorite girl!

Love,
Mom

Reflections

A couple weeks ago I was on my way to Jenna's to watch her kids so she could get a transfusion. I was running late, as usual, and everything was conspiring against me. There was all sorts of traffic in our small town, I hit every red light, there was even a road closure and detour and by the time I made it through that I had to wait for a train to pass. As I was waiting for the train that morning, I called Jenna to say I was on my way but running late and told her about all the crazy delays. She laughed and said don't worry, it'll be OK.

Yesterday I was on my way to Jenna's house to bring her family a meal and groceries. I was running late, yet again, and frazzeled because of it. I was dreading seeing Jenna's family, her girls, her van in the driveway...knowing it would be difficult and trying not to cry. I hit every stoplight. Then road construction in the exact same spot. A detour. Come on! Finally, a train passed through and I had to wait. Ok, I get it. Hi Jenna! Thanks for making me take a second to breath and think of you...and laugh...and remember a conversation we had.

I really miss you my friend.

Heartache

One of my closest friends passed away today due to complications from Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Along with her, the family lost the baby she was carrying. She left behind 3 young children, her husband of 11 years and a huge network of family and friends.

Jenna was full of life and never let her illness get the best of her. She continued to live every day to it's fullest and was one of the strongest people I've known. She was a very dedicated and loving mom, her children always came first. She loved to dance. Had a facination for reality TV. She loved to shop for her kids. She loved her family. She said what she meant and meant what she said. She was generous with her time and energy. She was an organizer, a planner, a do-er. She was a great wife, daughter, sister and friend. She was a great friend.

Rest In Peace Jenna and Will. You will be long remembered, sorely missed and forever in my heart.

Just for you Gerry.

I've gotten some grief recently about the lack of pictures on my blog. Here's a few to tame the masses.

5 Months!!!

Happy 5 month birthday Makenna!

It's been an exciting month for you, however most of the excitement has occured within the last week. :) You started showing an interest in food and have entered the world of solid food. So far you've had oatmeal, green beans and prunes and appear to enjoy all of them. Your brother is quite impressed that you like green beans already. You figured out the whole spoon feeding thing pretty quickly once you were interested in food, unfortunately you haven't figured out that blowing raspberries while you eat gets food all over mommy....or maybe you have.

You've also entered the world of mobility. Just a couple days ago you rolled over for the first time. I saw it coming and thought I should get the video camera and before I could...you rolled! Since then you've rolled a number of times but it's always from back to front. You haven't figured out front to back yet but I'm sure it's coming!

Most exciting for Mom, you now have TWO teeth! Your two front bottom teeth popped through one day apart. I was thrilled and thought maybe now we'd get our happy baby back, but you're still drolling so I suspect there may be a few more on the way.

You got to see your Nana and Papa this month. They came for a short visit and were amazed at how much you'd grown and changed. You also went on your first road trip during this time. It was the day of your 4 month well doctor's visit. You'd gotten a couple shots so I was a little concerned about how the trip would go, but we decided to chance it. You, Papa and I drove to Atlanta, which is about 3.5 hours each way. We spent a number of hours shopping and then drove home that same night. You were such a trooper and slept through both drives.

My measurments aren't as accurate as the doctor's but you're weighing in at 18 lbs now and are 25 inches long.

I think I've mentioned this before, but you are so happy when you wake up in the morning! I love hearing your coos over the monitor and your frequent laughing noises. Periodically you give us a true belly laugh but the laughing noise you make on your own sounds almost like a frog croaking. It's so funny and always makes us giggle.

Your favorite things include your jumping chair, your brother, your doll, your daddy and I and your fingers. So far you don't really suck them, but you are constantly chewing on at least one of them.

Other than painting one shelf, I've finally finished decorating your bedroom. It's quite girly with lots of pink. Lots of love...and hands...went into those decorations. I spent hours searching for the fabric for your crib bumper and finally found a crib sheet and skirt that included the colors I wanted. By mixing a solid fabric and using fabric from an additional crib skirt your Nana and great aunt Jeannie made your crib bumper. Nana and I also used store bought tab top panel curtains and embellished them with ribbon and additional fabric from the aforementioned crib skirt. I painted letters (your initials) added ribbon and hung them, trimmed a lamp shade with ribbon, made a table cloth for your little table, and hung a chandelier with slipcovered cord. Your dad painted the room and I plotted out the stripes for one of the walls. People thought the wall was wallpaper not paint, your daddy did such a good job! I'm thrilled with the results and hope you love it too as you get older.

Hard to believe another month has passed so quickly. Makenna I'm having so much fun being your mom. You've added so much to our family and I can't remember what it was like without you.

I love you baby girl!
Mom

Here's a slideshow of what Makenna's room looks like!

Honor

I know today is a day of BBQ's and family time. It's also a day to remember and thank those who serve in the military.

Today I honor:

My uncle, Marine CPL Edwin J Falloon, killed in action in Vietnam. He was only 20 and scheduled to return home 10 days after he was killed.
My grandfather, Edward Travis, stationed in North Africa and Italy during WWII. His entire crew was shot down, but as the mechanic for the B-52 Bombers he was on the ground and survived.
Grandfather In Law Chandler Harrison, Aircraft Carrier Pilot during WWII, stationed in the Pacific.

I also thank all those family members that served and are still living:

My dad, Scott Travis, served as a medic in the Army during Vietnam
My father in law, Wayne Harrison Sr., an NCO in the Army/tank division
Brother in Law's Allen Harrison and Jessie Harrison, Infantry in the Army
Brother In Law Gene Harrison, 1st Sergeant in the Army

Sucker Punches

A couple boxes arrived at our door yesterday. They’re for a very small very part time business opportunity I’m considering, but that’s a whole different post. The conversation that followed their arrival went something like this…

Ryan: “Are those for me?” (big saucer eyes and barely hidden excitement)

Mom: “No, they’re for me.” (big saucer eyes and barely hidden excitement)

Ryan in a very matter of fact voice: “Oh, is it your medicine?”

Mom: “Thankfully, no.”

IVF medications aren’t readily available at the local pharmacy, so they must be ordered. They arrive in a huge box, sometimes more than one, and often wrapped in dry ice. I remember exactly how I felt when I got that first box. Anticipation, excitement, wonder and so much dread. Multiple bags filled with different sizes of needles. Needles that I would be using on myself, or worse my husband would be using on me! What the hell? After getting over my initial shock at all the needles, I went on to look at just how many different medications I would be pumping into my body over the next two months and more if a pregnancy was achieved. For that first IVF, I ended up with 4 shots and 11 pills each day. It rocked.



It’s been 14 months since I received one of those boxes and yet my 5 year old remembers them. I wonder if he also remembers what a bad mom I was during those months of Lupron induced bitchiness. Just when I think I’ve moved past infertility it sucker punches me.

Oddly enough, even though it’s painful I don’t mind a sucker punch every now and then. It reminds me to be thankful for my children. It reminds me to be thankful I’m not actively trying for more children currently. It reminds me of a very difficult time in my life and therefore it reminds me that we persevered and came through it stronger than we entered. It reminds me that just because we want something that doesn’t mean we’re going to get it. It reminds me to be mindful of the journey even though the arrival is what I want. It reminds me that I have arrived!

Three

Yep, three. Three periods since I stopped breastfeeding. The first came exactly when I expected, a couple weeks after I stopped breastfeeding. The next came 28 days later. When it began I thought "No freaking way! Twenty Eight days...a normal 28 day cycle??? I am the queen of the messed up menstrals, I NEVER have 28 day cycles. Hmmm, maybe this pregnancy knocked something into place and I'm normal now." Ha ha ha. Are you waiting for the other shoe to drop? You should be, and I should have pushed the thoughts of normalcy out of head. Eleven, that's right 11, days after my second period arrived the third one did. Stellar.

Couch Duty for Ryan

We spent the day at the doctor's office and the hospital today...ugh! Ryan goes from having a minor cold to RAD and Pneumonia overnight. It kills me how quickly it comes on and he's so laid back about it that it's hard to know just how sick he is. After two breathing treatments, multiple does of steroids and a chest x-ray we're home...for now. Poor kid has to miss the last couple days of school, as well as his final soccer game this weekend. I'm hoping that his inhaler keeps him out of the hospital. Last time this happened we both had our first ambulance ride, spent 10 hours in the ER and then enjoyed a pleasant 3 day stay in isolation. Should be fun trying to keep my very active 5 year old on the couch. Poor kid!

Oh, just to make the day perfect, I arrived home to a summons for Jury Duty. While I've always wanted to serve Jury Duty, now isn't the time for numerous reasons. Fabulous.

Who Am I?

Who Am I?
· I am Chandra
· I am a Mother
· I am a Wife
· I am an over achieving perfectionist
· I am infertile
· I am trying to lose weight and be more fit
· I am losing so much hair!
· I am afraid of failure
· I am a mini van driving “soccer mom” (according to my brother)
· I am a huge fan of flip flops
· I am pretty trendy (if I do say so myself)
· I am cute in a girl next door kind of way
· I am an Interior Designer at heart, now if I can just get that degree
· I am a good friend, usually
· I am blind as bat…yes, I’m finally admitting it.
· I am fun to go dancing with
· I am procrastinating going to the doctor for a skin cancer check and getting a couple moles removed.
· I am afraid of what they might tell me.
· I am trying to decide what to with our frozen embryos
· I am sad when I think of them
· I am sad when I think of our babies that didn’t make it
· I am way behind on my housework.
· I am freckled
· I am competitive
· I am sometimes funny
· I am emotional lately
· I am finally happy with my naturally curly hair
· I am happy
· I am an optimist, glass half full kind of girl
· I am late…for a walk around the park with a friend…which means…
· I am done with my list

Who are you?

Traditions...

When I was growing up we went for ice cream after school programs. Often other families were at the local ice cream shop as well and there were lots of smiling faces and laughter. I usually got a chocolate malt, my mom chose a hot fudge sundae, I believe my step dad often went with a chocolate cherry blizzard and, sadly, I don't remember my brother's choice, although I'm sure it had vanilla ice cream because that's his favorite.

Tonight another generation began the ice cream tradition. The kindergarten and K-Readiness classes had a program at school. They showed off some of their "skillz" and then sang a song. After leaving the school, the 4 of us went to a new ice cream shop that opened today. Ryan saw a classmate walking in, as we were pulling up. He was so excited, yelling out to his friend, opening the car door almost before we'd stopped. Once inside the boys monkeyed around, sat next to each other, shared their ice cream and had a grand time. I chatted with a couple of moms, and even saw our neighbors. It was surreal. I don't feel old enough to be the parent...and yet I am. Tradition has come full circle. It's pretty great to recall things I did as a kid, share that memory with my kids, and do them again.

Tradition.

Babies in Hats!

Have I mentioned how much I love babies in hats? I love babies in hats! I love my baby in hats! Isn't she cute?!

School Days

This morning as I dropped Ryan off at school he saw a friend who was arriving at the same time. He hopped out of the car as quickly as possible and yelled "Hi Alli Beth!" She yelled "RYAN!!!" ran over to him and linked arms. Another little boy linked with his other arm and the three of them walked into school. I held up the drop off line because I was watching the scene play out. It was so cute and made me happy to see Ryan enjoying his friends.

He's so excited for summer and lots of "stay home days" but I think he's really going to miss seeing his friends every day.