Boo Boo's

We stopped at a friend's house yesterday after the fire station tour. While there Makenna decided to get up close and personal with their wood floor. Here she is a few hours after her faceplant. Notice the fat lip? At least her nap stopped her tears. And we wonder how she chipped her tooth.

Back to Reality

We had such a nice weekend. The Daddy Man had 4 days off work and I had a friend from college in town. I haven't seen her in so long, it was a short busy trip, but so great to spend time together. She'll be back next year because she an Irish Dancer and the national competition is held here...Yay!

The weekend also included a BBQ on the 4th with some friends, a few fireworks with neighbors, lots of time in the pool, flooring shopping and a fair amount of yardwork. I love our front yard during the summer months. Lots of greenery and pretty flowering things. I wish it stayed that pretty all year and I wish our backyard was as enjoyable. Maybe next summer we'll figure out how to get some shade back there and we'll plant a few more bushes and some flowers and enlarge the patio. I say that, but I've been saying that for a couple years now. Something else always comes up and next year there will be another one in diapers. :)

I was lazy and skipped church. The series that he's been doing since Easter doesn't appeal to me at all, so I've barely been since then. I wish we all could go, I think we're getting closer to that point, M is doing better with new people all the time so I have hopes she'll stay in the childcare before she's 16.

Now it's back to reality and we have a busy week ahead. We're attending a firestation tour with our playgroup today and then I'm going to Staples because they have some school supplies for a penny each. We have lots of options for the rest of the week, but I'm trying to keep expenses and gas consumption down, so we'll see if R's boredom beats my desire to not spend money. One thing I do know is that I'll be hanging out with some girlfriends saturday night. I'm looking forward to it!

Oh, one last thing, we discovered yesterday that M has chipped one of her front teeth. It's a small chip but neither of us know when it happened or how. Bad parents!!! Guess it's time to call the dentist and make sure we don't need to do anything about it.

A Year Later

Today is one of those days for me. One of the days where something terrible happened and you remember everything about it. I only have a few of those times in my life where I remember where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, etc.

Some of them include:
The Challenger exploding – I was in Earth Science class. Sitting at a table next to my friend Cheryl. It was announced over the loud speaker and suddenly you could hear a pin drop in a school filled with kids. I remember the tears in Mr. Whited’s eyes as he tried to explain what had happened.
Princess Diana’s death – We were in Pennsylvania. We’d attended the wedding of friends the evening before and had woken up in our hotel room and turned on the news. Instantly we saw footage of the crash and I was glued to the TV for at least half an hour.
The Death of my Grandmother – She was my first grandparent to pass away. I’d been at an Ashley McIssac concert the night before and stayed with my friend Molly. I’d come home to change before heading to work and there was a message from my mom on our answering machine. I remember dropping to my knees and crying and then finally calling my mom.
On this day a year ago I was preparing spinach lasagna for our dinner that night. Ryan was watching cartoons and Makenna was taking her morning nap. I was wearing pink sweats and a blue mellow mushroom shirt and listening to Dave Matthews Band. The phone rang and it was Janna (Jenna’s mom), telling me Jenna wasn’t doing well and the doctors had called and asked the family to come. Janna wondered if I could come over and watch the kids so she could go to the hospital. I grabbed a bottle for M, threw food in the fridge, pulled Makenna out of her crib, Ryan grabbed the diaper bag and we were on our way. I called Barbara to see if she could watch the kids, so I could drive Janna to the hospital. She got there just in time. By the time I’d made it back to Jenna’s house, Barbara was coming out of the house to tell me that Jenna and William had passed away. I was on the phone with Jacy so the three of us sat there and cried for a few minutes and then Barbara and I had to suck it up, reign in the tears and go inside with all of our kids. I remember waiting for Janna and Mark to come back and I remember the look on Ashlee and Kaity’s faces. We had planned to get happy meals and the girls were upset that they wouldn’t be getting one. I think they knew the minute their dad walked in the door, but didn’t want to face it.

I can’t believe it’s been a year since that day. It’s been a rough year and much harder than I’d anticipated. I think for the first few months my grief was an open wound and every day brought new tears and more sadness. Just as things were starting to get easier, Christmas arrived and I couldn’t help but think about how much Jenna loved that holiday and how sad I was that her kids would be spending their first Christmas without her. The changing seasons’s led to Jake’s birthday, Ashlee’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Jenna’s Birthday, Jenna and Mark’s anniversary and finally today…Jenna’s deathiversary. Each of those days brought new sadness, but the days in between were easier than they’d been months before. Now, a year later, I find that my grief is more personal, like a scar that’s still red and angry but will one day be barely visible and only noticeable to me. I still can’t believe that my friend died and took her spirit, infectious laughter and fun loving attitude with her. I still think about her every day and wish I could spend more time with her kids in a comfortable and fun setting. If I have any regret surrounding Jenna’s death, it’s that I haven’t been able to maintain the contact with her kids that I’d hoped for. I haven’t wanted to impose and haven’t felt like it’s something that’s comfortable for Mark.

Today is a sad day for me, but I’m looking forward to the remembrance. A number of us are getting together tonight at La Siesta. Most will be drinking a margarita, I’ll be eating my fill of queso and salsa with chips. Jenna loved that restaurant and I have lots of good memories of sharing a meal with her there and memories of a few drunk love calls that came after she drank one of their margarita’s. I’m looking forward to a night filled with love and laughter and lots of stories. I know she’ll be with us, not in the way we’d like, but she’ll be there.

Today is just one of those days…one of those days that will live in my memory banks forever.

Baby Steps

Morning sickness and exhaustion is kicking my butt. I have no patience, no motivation, no energy and I spend a fair amount of time feeling hung over and wondering when the party was. When I forget I'm feeling sorry for myself, I feel really sorry for my husband and kids.

That said, today was a good day. I only had two tasks that had to be done. I needed to get a new tire for my car, since we got a flat on Saturday that wasn't patchable, and I needed to find my contractor's calculator so I could accurately figure square footage and how much flooring we need to buy. The first was done with a minimal amount of time and expense, surprising since the tire is apparently an odd size. We have a local place I've gone to a number of times now. It doesn't look like much out front, but they do good, quick, inexpensive work. The second, after a couple hours spent cleaning my closet and looking through all my school stuff this weekend, ended up being quick and easy as well. It occurred to me that I didn't search the backpack I carried, so I stepped into the garage, opened the front pocket and there was my yellow calculator. Done and Done...Yay!

On top of that, I ran across a good deal on shoes and ended up getting Ryan sneakers for the new school year and Makenna got a pair of much needed sandles since she is about to grow out of every other pair of shoes she owns. Both were on sale, and when I got to the register they let me know the shoes were buy one get one half off...SWEET!

M is napping now, R just finished his lesson for camp tonight and I just finished dishes and am getting ready to make Zucchini bread. This day has been filled with smiles and absolutely no fussing or whining from kidlets or mommy! Double Yay!

Week in Review

Wow, what a week.

Ryan had VBS at our church each morning last week and he LOVED it! He can’t wait to go back next year. Most of what he talked about was the music. R loves music as much as DM and I do and he enjoyed all the dance moves too. This week he’s going to another VBS called Mega Sports Camp. He chose basketball and Hip Hop. I’ll be interested to see what he thinks of it.

On top of that, we went to a playdate, 3 birthday parties, a lunch with our playgroup, and M and I hit up kids gym and lunch with a friend. The biggest event of the week was Ryan’s first sleepover! He had a great time and came home exhausted. I think the boys were up most of the night, but that’s what sleepovers are for. Wayne and I took advantage of only having one kid and decided to go out to dinner. I’ve been craving Chinese since this pregnancy began so we went to a new restaurant that opened nearby and then walked down the block for ice cream. Makenna was so good and we all really enjoyed our night out.

Outside of that, I had a difficult week with pregnancy hormones. I normally am pretty level headed and even tempered, but I don’t think that was the case last week. I had a small argument with a man at Mcdonald’s. He later came over and apologized and explained why he’d acted the way he did. I had to apologize too though, because I’d been much more short-tempered than I normally am. I also had something occur with a friend that really upset me. I’m not sure if my response to the situation would have been as intense if not for the raging hormones. I guess we all have our days...or weeks.

What a week!

The birds and the bees at age 6

Ryan: Mom, what are these things under my penis?

Me: What things?

Ryan: The round things.

Me: Your testicles.

Ryan: Oh…what do they do, hold my pee?

Me: Ummm, no. They hold sperm.

Ryan: Sperd, what’s sperd?

Me: No, it’s sperm and it’s used to make a baby.

Ryan: How does it make a baby?

Me: It joins with an egg and then the baby grows.

Ryan: Where does the egg come from and how do they meet?

Me: The egg comes from a mommy and they meet when a mommy and daddy love each other.

Ryan: Hmmmm…ok. That’s kind of hard to understand.

Me: Yep…


Where was his father when this conversation was occurring???

Happy Birthday

Dear Jenna,

Barbara, Jacy all the kids and I went to Toot's for fried pickles today. I'd promised you them on your last birthday and sadly never had a chance to pay up since I was out of town. I wish you and your kids were with us today as we toasted you with pickles and got funny looks from neighboring tables. Even more, I wish we were headed out on a party bus this weekend. Last year we were so sure we'd celebrate your health this year by getting that party bus you'd always talked about and partying our butts off downtown. Instead we had fried pickles and thought about you a lot today. Happy Birthday my friend, I miss you so much and love you.

It's what you think it is!

Sorry the pictures are a little blurry, but that second one shows an ultrasound I had on Tuesday. In it is a little embryo measuring 7weeks2days, having grown exactly as it should have from my ultrasound 2 weeks ago and with a little heart beating at 162 bpm.

Now I'll answer the questions that I know are on the tip of your tongues...

-No, we did not use our frozen embryos. We were still debating what to do when I found out I was pregnant.

-Yes, it was a spontaneous pregnancy and yes God has a sense of humor.

-No, we weren't trying, but we weren't taking any precautions either. With our history, we didn't see any reason too.

In our house the joke is that I take a pregnancy test to make my period start. That's been the case many times over the last 10 years. I'd been cramping for a week or so and was ready for it to start already so I headed to the Dollar Store and bought a test. You can imagine my surprise when two lines popped up.

After 3 weeks, we're still in shock, but also very excited. Thanks for all of your congratulations on my last post. It's the first time I've been able to do something like that and I couldn't resist.

Wordless Wednesday

School's Out For Summer

Yesterday was Ry’s last real day of school. We have to go in Wednesday to pick up his report card, but he won’t be staying. I’d planned to start singing “School’s Out For Summer” the minute he got in the car and suggest we go get ice cream, but one look at his face told me he wouldn’t be interested. Before he’d even buckled, he’d burst into tears, crying harder than I’d seen him cry in a long time. He’d been so excited about the end of the year and approaching summer that I was surprised by the tears. When he was able to talk, I discovered he was crying because he was going to miss his teachers…not his friends. I’d found myself tearing up earlier in the week about the same thing.

Both of Ryan’s teachers were great this year. He learned so much and really developed a love a school. He still had a few days where he didn’t want to go, but I could count those on one hand. Both teachers were kind, enthusiastic, motivating, loving. One of them did Ry’s first Kindergarten test. He passed academically, but she suggested that socially he might benefit from the Kindergarten Readiness program. You may recall, I’d already done research and been thinking along those lines, but I am so thankful she encouraged that. It’s hard to feel like you’re holding your kid back, or like your kid isn’t good enough, so I may have second-guessed that decision a bit more without her encouragement.

As a SAHM, I often feel like R and I are looked down upon because he doesn’t attend the local magnet school. I get the impression people are wondering why he couldn’t get in. After lots of discussion we’d decided public school was best for R, in my heart I think he’d have gotten in though. M arrived just before the application and testing period, so I sometimes wonder if I just didn’t have my act together or if it really was the best decision for R to attend public school.

The two teachers he had this past year, help with that second guessing as well. He learned so much and came away from the year with a positive attitude. He was challenged with new and harder work when he got bored and was doing 1st grade workbook pages and reading at a 1st grade level by the end of the year. Our public school did right by my kid and I really believe his teachers helped start the foundation for a life of success for my sweet boy.

Schools out for summer, but I can’t wait to see what next year brings!

The Others

It’s that time. Time to write the check that keeps our totsicles on ice for another year. Hard to believe two years have passed since they were frozen. Hard to believe we’ve arrived at what we deemed the decision making time. Unfortunately, we’ve reached this time without the decision being obvious. I don’t think I’m ready.

DM is ready. Ready with a capital R. He loves our children, and is content with the two we have. But that’s another post…

Storage isn’t cheap, however, spending another $650 is better than making a decision that I’m not happy with. Currently our options include destroying our embryos, donating them to science, donating them to infertile couples, adopting them out or keeping them frozen for another year.

In theory, we should donate them to an infertile couple. After all we’ve been through, wouldn’t that be the “thing” to do? On the other hand, it took transferring 11 embryos for us to get ONE live baby. I hate the thought of putting another couple through that, especially considering PCOS and inferior egg quality go hand in hand. In the game of IVF and FET there are no guarantees.

Another option is to destroy our embryos. I.Just.Can’t. M is here because other people donated their embryos to science. She’s here because of the generosity of people I’ll never be able to thank. She’s here because scientists were given the ability to test their theories. She’s here and I can’t fathom life without her. I can’t destroy those embryos.

Finally, we come to embryo adoption. This sounds pretty appealing, since embryo adoption follows the same laws and guidelines as domestic adoption. There are even home studies prior to placement and ongoing updates following the birth. Sounds good right? Absolutely…until I think about the possibility of a child showing up on my doorstep in 20 years. A child who wants to know why their father and I gave them up for adoption, a child who wants to know their brother and sister, a child who could have issue with our decisions. To my knowledge, there is only one organization doing embryo adoption right now and they encourage open adoptions. We would know when a child was born. We’d see pictures and hear about the child’s development. I’m not sure, but I think the knowledge of my biological child growing up with other parents might destroy me from the inside. It’s selfish, I know.

Some would say we should have thought about these issues before doing IVF. Some might be right, but some haven’t experienced the desire to have another child. Some haven’t experienced the desire to provide their child with a sibling, the desire to experience the joy of adding to their family. Some haven’t had to face that a desired pregnancy isn’t a given just because you want it.

Having to make this decision sucks, but having M in our life is so amazing we’d do it all again. But…what do we with our embryos?

Recent Photo

Ry-guy and Little Miss at the aquarium, thus the blue tint.

Spontaneity

Girls, you may think you have the best husband, but you can't possibly, because I do. Want to know why? Because last week he came home and said "Honey, pack your bags, we're going to IKEA!" Ok, maybe that wasn't exactly what he said. I think it was more like "Pack your bags we're leaving for a fun family weekend after I get off work tomorrow. We'll hit the aquarium and you can go to IKEA". Whatever, what I heard was IKEA!!!! I love that store for so many reasons, inexpensive, reasonable quality furniture, storage solutions, decorative items, free childcare, the cafe...and the list goes on and on.

We packed up and were on our way. The drive took a couple hours and was a nice time for DM and I to chat about our plans for the weekend, while R was entertained by a movie and M slept. We arrived at our hotel, to find that it was better than we'd hoped and M slept in her pack-n-play...miracle of miracles. The next day we got up and headed to IKEA for breakfast and some shopping. I spent the entire day there and enjoyed every minute. DM and the kids took off for a bit to play mini golf and enjoy the pretty spring weather. After a quick stop for dinner we went back to the hotel and spent the evening in the pool. Saturday was spent at the aquarium. We started the day in a 3D movie where puffs of air shot out from under seats and water sprinkled from the ceiling. I was surprised at how well M did and R loved it! Then onto the whale shark exhibit which was the size of a football field. We were able to walk around and through it and the last stop was a huge glass wall. We stayed there long enough to catch a docents speech. In another exhibit sea lions were playing "King of the Hill", that was R's favorite. I was intrigued by the sea dragons, they looked like something out of a Dr. Seuss book and were really fun to watch. DM's favorite were the beluga whales. We all enjoyed their grace and beauty, M even waved and babbled at them. After leaving we ended the day with another stop at IKEA and some take out from PF Changs...yum! Sunday was spent at IKEA again, we finally purchased a few things and then spent time trying to figure out how to get it home. Thankfully they have twine in the parking lot so we were able to tie a big box to the roof. We had a wonderful, relaxing weekend and it was nice to get away.

That being said, there was still plenty of fun to be had the following weekend when we redid our bedroom, and put together our furniture purchases. The room still needs some finishing touches, but I LOVE how it turned out. I've included a few before and after pictures for the curious.

100!

This is my 100th post! Hard to believe I've had that much to write about and yet that doesn't seem like much when I think about how much my kids are changing on a daily basis. On that note...

Baby M is officially walking! She started a couple days ago and hasn't stopped since. She's even run across the room a couple times! All of this is amazing, since she's been sick since Tuesday. Time to get the video camera out. Now that she's walking more than a few steps at a time, I should be able to get some good footage. On Wednesday, at the pediatrician's office, M weighed in at 25lbs 12 oz, fully clothed with jacket and sneakers. No wonder my biceps are starting to look cut.

In other news, the plague has descended upon our house. M started running a fever Tuesday night, it hit DM Wednesday, Ry-guy has a juicy cough and I finally succumbed yesterday. I had plans to hang out with the girls last night, but instead I fell asleep on the couch at 7:30 and slept until 8 this morning when the kids got up. I'm disappointed I missed my girls night, but apparently sleep was neccessary.

Enjoy your Sunday!

And so it begins

Ryan got his first phone call yesterday.

I answered the phone. A sweet little voice asked for Ryan. I passed the phone to Ryan who was grinning like a Cheshire cat. He was thrilled at first, but then his face dropped when he realized it was a GIRL and not his buddy C. Once they worked through who was calling, Ryan couldn't wait to get off the phone. Rather than hang up after he finished talking, he just said bye and continued on about how he didn't like the girl that called because she's the one who chases him at recess. The little girl and possibly her mom heard the whole thing.

As a mom, sometimes we forget that we have to teach things that are second nature to us, like hanging up a phone at the end of a conversation. And sometimes we forget just how exciting the world is in the eyes of our children. Ryan didn't get a call from the person he wanted to, but yesterday was a big day.

He got his first phone call.

One Week

The life span of a luna moth and a fruit fly are about one week. Unfortunately the life span for sleeping through the night in my house is about the same.

Last week there were nights were M went to bed late, woke up before we were in bed, or got up early, but she SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT all week long! Meaning, I never had to get out of bed to get up with her during the night. It was pure bliss. Now she's teething again and has been up for hours...literally hours...during the night.

She has 10 teeth now and two more on the way. She won't teeth forever, right?

Juno

I went to see Juno yesterday. In case you don't know, it's a movie about a teenage girl who gets pregnant and finds an infertile couple to adopt the baby.

It was a cute movie. The main character, Juno, is smart, witty, flippant, cute, but completely unbelievable. It's not her acting that's unbelievable, it's the character. You only see her cry twice. If I'd found out at 16 that I was pregnant, I think I would have done nothing but cry. And then to come to the end of a pregnancy and give a baby away; it's such a selfless act and an incredible gift for a family, but I'd imagine it to be so difficult for the biological mother. That being said, at 35 I wish I could be as self assured as the character is; I wish I could feel as sure of major decisions as she does.

The parents, were funny and likeable, but also unbelievable. They didn't cry, yell or blame when they found out their daughter was pregnant, they just made lists about what needed to be done. The stepmom came to her daughters defense when an ultrasound tech gave her grief and at the end the dad tells Juno that she'll be in the hospital having a baby again but it will be on her terms. I felt like those were the only moments where the relationship felt very "real".

The infertile woman fit the stereotype. A type A personality who's anxious and focusing on paint colors so she doesn't have to constantly stress and fret about whether the adoption will go through. At one point she runs into Juno at the mall, she drops down onto her knees to talk to the baby and try to feel it kick. When it does, her reaction is perfect. Spoiler alert....the couple's divorce fits the stereotype too, unfortunately.

I enjoyed the movie because of the witty dialogue, but found myself crying through parts where others were laughing. Truth be told, I cried through most of it and left feeling drained and out of sorts.

I've had a hard time changing my blogs name. Maybe that's because my emotions about infertility still run deep. My tears yesterday are just another reminder of that.

A little about a lot

I haven’t had much to write about lately. Ryan’s doing well in school, seems content, has a group of friends, is learning a lot, and runs from the girls who try to kiss him at recess. He’s proud to say they haven’t caught him for a kiss even once. Makenna got two new teeth last month, is still walking on her knees with moments of walking on her feet and is starting to exhibit an opinion. Sleeping is still hit or miss, but now that those teeth have popped though the last week has been better. The DM continues to be busy at work. There are lay offs and hiring freezes, so it’s a bit stressful.

It seems that there’s nothing else worth mentioning, yet I remember my friend Jenna’s blog posts were often just a stream of consciousness. At the time, they seemed like nothing important, now they’re final words from her. I’ve enjoyed going back through her blog and reading about how she spent her days and being reminded of things we did together. Through those words she constantly reminds me to live in the moment. To cherish my family and friends and the moments I have with them.

In true Jenna fashion, I’ll conclude with my own stream of consciousness. Today we went to a Valentine’s playdate after school; about a quarter of my moms group attended which meant we had 15 kids and 8 moms. We decorated cookies, exchanged valentines and the kids played while the moms chatted. We had a great time. Prior to that Makenna and I had lunch with a friend and her daughter, ran a few errands and spent some time in Target searching for gifts for my secret valentine. Ryan and DM started the day together; it was Donuts with Dad day at school. Ryan jumped out of bed the minute his light was turned on; he was so excited to bring his daddy to school. If only I could get him to do that every day.

Look at that, nothing to write about turned into three paragraphs.

Super Tuesday

I cast my vote today.

Did you?

Another PSA

I was watching Good Morning America this morning and during one of the segments they said that 40 million water bottles are used every day and only 15% are recycled...the rest sit in landfills. They also said that bottled water is monitored by the FDA and tap water is monitored by the EPA. Guess what, the EPA has stricter standards! So, get yourself a reusable water bottle, and use it! Oh, and don't forget to check the recycle number if you go with a plastic bottle.