There was a time in my life when I thought “If I can just get pregnant I won’t remember or be effected by the pain of infertility”. That was before I had Ryan. We spent 4.5 years working towards bringing him into this world. It was a difficult time filled with Resolve meetings, doctor’s visits, second opinions, ultrasounds, fertility drugs, and a twelve-week wellness class focused on achieving pregnancy. Finally, we were blessed with a little boy. All was right with the world. He was wonderful, beautiful, enchanting, all consuming.
In fact, he was so wonderful that we wanted more just like him. The black beast of infertility reared its head again. I can’t say which was worse. The despair of thinking we’d never have a child or the knowledge of how great my child was and knowing that we might not be able to have another and provide him with a sibling.
The second time around we had better insurance and less time. We focused and attacked. We went straight to IVF and after three tries we were able to bring home a baby girl. All was right with the world. She was wonderful, beautiful, enchanting, all consuming.
We had two children, both of whom were perfect in our eyes. We weren’t sure if we wanted any more, but we had options. We had a few totsicles in storage.
With all that in mind, I wonder why baby showers are still hard for me. Why I still sometimes look at pregnant women and get teary. Why I'm still bitter when I hear of those who got pregnant their first month trying, or weren’t even trying and yet are pregnant. Why I’m jealous when I hear about people who don’t have a care in the world and announce a pregnancy to everyone they know within minutes of taking a test.
I know these thoughts are my issues and have nothing to do with the people they involve. I try to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I try to revel in the joy that surrounds pregnancy. I try to think about how sweet babies are and how blessed the parents will be. I try to focus on the two children I have and be thankful for them each and every day.
But in case you were wondering…Parenthood is not the cure for Infertility. I’m like an alcoholic, in recovery but definitely not cured.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Two for Tuesday!
Borrowed from Tara...
Two names you go by
1. Momma
2. Raye
Two things you are wearing right now
1. comfy pants
2. March of Dimes T-Shirt
Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship
1. Effective Communication
2. Humor
Two things you like to do
1. Spend time with family and friends
2. Read
Two things you want very badly at the moment
1. A degree in Interior Design
2. Two healthy kids
Two things you did last night
1. Made dinner
2. Gave the kids a bath
Two things you ate today
1. Salad
2. Oatmeal
Two people you last talked to
1. Ryan, while he said good night and told me I was his favorite mom :)
2. Hubby
Two things you're doing tomorrow
1. Taking Ryan to the pediatrician for a follow up appt.
2. Running on my treadmill
Two favorite holidays
1. Christmas Eve...Good memories, Midnight Candlelight Service, Opening one gift, The anticipation, Family.
2. St. Patty's Day, I'm a good Irish girl
Two favorite beverages
1. Diet Coke
2. Wine
Two jobs I have had in my life
1. Resident Assistant in College
2. Teen & Family Program Director at the Y
Two movies I would watch over and over
1. Under the Tuscan Sun
2. Hunt for Red October
Two places I have lived
1. Colorado
2. Germany
Two of my favorite foods
1. Pizza
2. Mexican
Two places I'd rather be right now
1. The Beach
2. Rico, Colorado...hanging out with my Mom and Stepdad
Two names you go by
1. Momma
2. Raye
Two things you are wearing right now
1. comfy pants
2. March of Dimes T-Shirt
Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship
1. Effective Communication
2. Humor
Two things you like to do
1. Spend time with family and friends
2. Read
Two things you want very badly at the moment
1. A degree in Interior Design
2. Two healthy kids
Two things you did last night
1. Made dinner
2. Gave the kids a bath
Two things you ate today
1. Salad
2. Oatmeal
Two people you last talked to
1. Ryan, while he said good night and told me I was his favorite mom :)
2. Hubby
Two things you're doing tomorrow
1. Taking Ryan to the pediatrician for a follow up appt.
2. Running on my treadmill
Two favorite holidays
1. Christmas Eve...Good memories, Midnight Candlelight Service, Opening one gift, The anticipation, Family.
2. St. Patty's Day, I'm a good Irish girl
Two favorite beverages
1. Diet Coke
2. Wine
Two jobs I have had in my life
1. Resident Assistant in College
2. Teen & Family Program Director at the Y
Two movies I would watch over and over
1. Under the Tuscan Sun
2. Hunt for Red October
Two places I have lived
1. Colorado
2. Germany
Two of my favorite foods
1. Pizza
2. Mexican
Two places I'd rather be right now
1. The Beach
2. Rico, Colorado...hanging out with my Mom and Stepdad
Monday, September 17, 2007
Deja Vu
Friday morning we headed to the pediatrician since Ryan was having some trouble breathing. Three breathing treatments and a dose of steriods later, Ryan was on his way to the local Children's Hospital ER via ambulance. He wasn't really wheezing but his chest was very tight. His pediatrician expected he'd be diagnosed with Pneumonia after a chest xray was completed.
Once we arrived, Ryan was placed on a continuous breathing treatment for two hours, had a chest xray, an IV and another dose of steriods. Thankfully the chest xray came back negative for Pnuemonia, the throat swab was negative for Strep and the IV was nothing compared to last year. He even said after it was done "Wow, that's it? It didn't even hurt." A few more breathing treatments and 9 hours after our arrival, Ryan was admitted to the hospital. Ryan and I spent the night, which he was thrilled about. He remembered the pancakes and bacon he had during his last stay and wanted them again. What?? It's odd the things that kids focus on.
Ryan responded really well to the meds and we were sent home the following afternoon... with an entire pharmacy. Now we'll spend the next couple days trying to lay low and encourage a kid who's bored and wound up from the meds to be mellow and not eat everything in sight. Didn't we just do this a year ago? Seasonal allergies and Reactive Airway Disease can bite me.
Once we arrived, Ryan was placed on a continuous breathing treatment for two hours, had a chest xray, an IV and another dose of steriods. Thankfully the chest xray came back negative for Pnuemonia, the throat swab was negative for Strep and the IV was nothing compared to last year. He even said after it was done "Wow, that's it? It didn't even hurt." A few more breathing treatments and 9 hours after our arrival, Ryan was admitted to the hospital. Ryan and I spent the night, which he was thrilled about. He remembered the pancakes and bacon he had during his last stay and wanted them again. What?? It's odd the things that kids focus on.
Ryan responded really well to the meds and we were sent home the following afternoon... with an entire pharmacy. Now we'll spend the next couple days trying to lay low and encourage a kid who's bored and wound up from the meds to be mellow and not eat everything in sight. Didn't we just do this a year ago? Seasonal allergies and Reactive Airway Disease can bite me.
Friday, September 14, 2007
He Takes After Me
You know how, when you're having a child, you think about all the traits you wish they'd get, and those you hope they don't.
"I hope she has my hair."
"I hope he gets my musical ear."
"Fingers crossed that he doesn't get my teeth."
You get the point.
Well, I've discovered a new trait that Ryan seems to have gotten from me. As a child, I was often sick for holidays, special events, vacations, etc. It appears that my boy is following in his mother's footsteps. He's already missed numerous fun events and parties at school and he's been sick during a couple vacations. Today is the Eagle Stomp at his school. It's a Fun Run and a big carnival. Inflatable Obstacle Courses, face painting, dunking booths, temporary tattoos, snow cones, serious fun for kids, Ryan has been so excited. He got his pledges, turned in his sheet and was ready to run laps for money for the school. Unfortunately, he's home sick. Yet again, a cold has turned into something more overnight. We're headed to the doctor in a couple minutes. I'm hoping he'll just get a breathing treatment or two and won't have to go to the hospital again. The poor kid feels horrible, but you want to know what he's sad about? You guessed it, not being able to go to school today.
"I hope she has my hair."
"I hope he gets my musical ear."
"Fingers crossed that he doesn't get my teeth."
You get the point.
Well, I've discovered a new trait that Ryan seems to have gotten from me. As a child, I was often sick for holidays, special events, vacations, etc. It appears that my boy is following in his mother's footsteps. He's already missed numerous fun events and parties at school and he's been sick during a couple vacations. Today is the Eagle Stomp at his school. It's a Fun Run and a big carnival. Inflatable Obstacle Courses, face painting, dunking booths, temporary tattoos, snow cones, serious fun for kids, Ryan has been so excited. He got his pledges, turned in his sheet and was ready to run laps for money for the school. Unfortunately, he's home sick. Yet again, a cold has turned into something more overnight. We're headed to the doctor in a couple minutes. I'm hoping he'll just get a breathing treatment or two and won't have to go to the hospital again. The poor kid feels horrible, but you want to know what he's sad about? You guessed it, not being able to go to school today.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Nuggets of Grace, Part Two
My Nuggets of Grace post stirred up a bit of controversy and brought a few lurkers out of the woodwork...Yay! I love comments.
I replied to the comments in the comment section of that post, but wanted to do so here as well, in case people didn't check the comments section again. Clear as mud?
Anyhow, I wasn't sure if I should leave the post up because I didn't know if people would be offended.
That said, I wanted the post to focus on Grace and instead it seemed to focus on hypocrisy, or at least that's what many of you got from it. In regards to that, many of the people that I know that are very religious, very involved in their churches, etc. are wonderful. They unabashedly stand behind what they believe in through word and action. I guess the hypocrisy statement was meant to be more of a general thought about "organized" religions. Not so much about the Christians that are in my life currently.
Infertility caused me to question God and myself and caused me to feel unworthy. The sermon about Grace helped me to feel a little better about my religious walk as of late. That is what I meant for the post to be about, I guess I didn't quite hit the mark.
Thanks again for the comments. Have I mentioned that I love comments?!
I replied to the comments in the comment section of that post, but wanted to do so here as well, in case people didn't check the comments section again. Clear as mud?
Anyhow, I wasn't sure if I should leave the post up because I didn't know if people would be offended.
That said, I wanted the post to focus on Grace and instead it seemed to focus on hypocrisy, or at least that's what many of you got from it. In regards to that, many of the people that I know that are very religious, very involved in their churches, etc. are wonderful. They unabashedly stand behind what they believe in through word and action. I guess the hypocrisy statement was meant to be more of a general thought about "organized" religions. Not so much about the Christians that are in my life currently.
Infertility caused me to question God and myself and caused me to feel unworthy. The sermon about Grace helped me to feel a little better about my religious walk as of late. That is what I meant for the post to be about, I guess I didn't quite hit the mark.
Thanks again for the comments. Have I mentioned that I love comments?!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
First Day of Kindergarten
I know Ryan's first day of Kindergarten was weeks ago. I'm Lame!
Ryan was thrilled to start school this year, especially when he found out he'd be in the same class as his best friend, Connor, and would have the teacher's we'd hoped for. His teachers job share, meaning that they work two days a week and then alternate fridays. They are both awesome and really have a love of teaching. I'm so happy he got into this class and I think it's going to be a great year!
Here are a few pictures from his first day. Ryan was very proud of his rolling spiderman backpack and was wearing a heart sticker as a reminder of "The Kissing Hand". His teachers read us that book at parent's night and then gave us stickers for the kids so that when they read the book to the kids on the first day they'd have their heart stickers. It was so sweet and the kids appreciated it as much as the parents. Notice Ryan's huge smiles! He's such a great kid!
Ryan was thrilled to start school this year, especially when he found out he'd be in the same class as his best friend, Connor, and would have the teacher's we'd hoped for. His teachers job share, meaning that they work two days a week and then alternate fridays. They are both awesome and really have a love of teaching. I'm so happy he got into this class and I think it's going to be a great year!
Here are a few pictures from his first day. Ryan was very proud of his rolling spiderman backpack and was wearing a heart sticker as a reminder of "The Kissing Hand". His teachers read us that book at parent's night and then gave us stickers for the kids so that when they read the book to the kids on the first day they'd have their heart stickers. It was so sweet and the kids appreciated it as much as the parents. Notice Ryan's huge smiles! He's such a great kid!
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Nuggets of Grace
"People shouldn't be good because they want God to grant them Grace. They should be Godly in their actions because they've already received Grace."
Those are words that were spoken by my pastor this morning during a message about Grace. They spoke to me in a way that a sermon hasn't spoken to me in a long time. In theory it's a pretty simple statement. My emotions, upon hearing that statement, were anything but simple.
I've struggled with organized religion lately, for numerous reasons. One of my biggest issues with it is the hypocrites that preach and judge in the name of God.** I'm a true liberal and don't feel like it's my place to judge others behavior or lifestyle. Granted, no one is perfect and I have judged, but I try not to and I try to value the person even though I may not value the behavior. I also am a firm believer in "God is a loving God". I am a sinner, just like everyone else, but my belief system allows me to still feel loved by God. Since leaving high school and the minister who helped me to know God, I haven't found a church where I felt like my beliefs were in line with everyone else’s. I haven't found a minister/pastor/priest who could deliver messages that drew me in, spoke to me, made me question my beliefs and behaviors and also made me feel good about myself. I almost didn't try this church because I held some stereotypes about the religion. I judged. Thanks to messages like the one shared today, this church and its Pastor has reminded me to live my beliefs and let my actions speak for me. It's also reminded me how valuable keeping an open mind is.
No one would ever mistake me for a happy clapper (read religious zealot) however I'm hopeful that people find at least some of my actions to be Godly. I'm a work in progress and I'm thankful to once again know that I've received Grace.
**There are a few women I know who might read this and feel like I'm referring to them. I'm not.
Those are words that were spoken by my pastor this morning during a message about Grace. They spoke to me in a way that a sermon hasn't spoken to me in a long time. In theory it's a pretty simple statement. My emotions, upon hearing that statement, were anything but simple.
I've struggled with organized religion lately, for numerous reasons. One of my biggest issues with it is the hypocrites that preach and judge in the name of God.** I'm a true liberal and don't feel like it's my place to judge others behavior or lifestyle. Granted, no one is perfect and I have judged, but I try not to and I try to value the person even though I may not value the behavior. I also am a firm believer in "God is a loving God". I am a sinner, just like everyone else, but my belief system allows me to still feel loved by God. Since leaving high school and the minister who helped me to know God, I haven't found a church where I felt like my beliefs were in line with everyone else’s. I haven't found a minister/pastor/priest who could deliver messages that drew me in, spoke to me, made me question my beliefs and behaviors and also made me feel good about myself. I almost didn't try this church because I held some stereotypes about the religion. I judged. Thanks to messages like the one shared today, this church and its Pastor has reminded me to live my beliefs and let my actions speak for me. It's also reminded me how valuable keeping an open mind is.
No one would ever mistake me for a happy clapper (read religious zealot) however I'm hopeful that people find at least some of my actions to be Godly. I'm a work in progress and I'm thankful to once again know that I've received Grace.
**There are a few women I know who might read this and feel like I'm referring to them. I'm not.
8 Months...a few days late.
Dear Makenna,
Another month has come and gone. This past month seemed to go a little slower than the previous month, but I'm still in shock at how quickly you are growing and changing.
The beginning of this month found you pushing up from tummy time and starting to rock on all fours. I thought you'd be crawling by months end, but you'd get so frustrated that your progress was a bit slower than I'd anticipated. As the month came to close you were starting to scoot around and you figured out how to change directions. It won't be long before you're keeping up with me while on your hands and knees. You don't like it when I set you down and go to another room to get something so I think you'll be really happy when you're a bit more mobile.
You like being on the go. I'm wondering if that's your personality or if it's been conditioned since we don't spend much time at home. You really enjoy shopping with mom these days, especially if you get to sit in the front of the cart. You like being up high without a stroller or car seat blocking your view. You get a lot of compliments and people talking to you lately which you fully enjoy, as evidenced by the huge smiles and dimple you display. You also enjoy spending time outside at the pool and at your brother's baseball games.
Around the middle of the month you got two more teeth, within a couple days of each other. You've bitten yourself a couple times, and me too, as you've tried to figure out what those things in your mouth are for. You also grind them together which makes my skin crawl but causes you all sorts of enjoyment. You're also enjoying all the new food you can crunch with those teeth. Little bits of grilled cheese sandwiches are a huge favorite right now. In fact, if one of us have one and aren't sharing you scream at the top of your lungs. Speaking of, have I mentioned your temper???
Yes, you're a bit of a diva. I've already had to tell you "No" numerous times because you'll scream for things and continue to scream if I'm not getting them quickly enough. Your daddy and I just hang our heads and feel thankful that you and your brother can't gang up on us yet. Although we realize it's only a matter of time before that happens.
You have the cutest belly laughs and are so ticklish on your tummy and under your arms. I need to get it on camera before your little giggle changes.
You used to love playing in your jumper or exersaucer but lately you prefer hanging out on the floor surrounded by toys. Once you stopped constantly falling backwards I was thrilled to let you do so. You are so interested in how things work, as well as textures and sounds. You'll spend quite a bit of time examining toys and trying to figure out what they do. It's so fun to watch you learn and figure things out.
Just a few tidbits of info:
# of Bottles a day - 4 or 5, depends on if you're up during the night
# of naps a day - 2 or 3, depends how long they are.
Size clothes you're wearing - Anywhere from 6-12 month up to 18 month items. You're wearing some of your brothers old pj's that he was wearing when he turned 2!
Favorite Game - Patty Cake or Who's that Baby
Paci's - only to chew on if you're bored
Blanket - You're starting to look for your blanket when you lay down for a nap. I think it's so cute and love that you and your brother both love the blankets your Nana made for you.
Sippy Cup - You've just begun drinking out of one. You tend to get as much water on your top as in your mouth but you're enjoying holding the cup yourself.
Separation Anxiety - You've got it and bad. It got a bit better for about a week, but then you fell right back into it. You loooove your mommy right now. Can't say that I mind even though it can be a little frustrating when I have something to do or somewhere to go. That said, I love seeing your little eyes light up when I walk into a room. I also appreciate that just picking you up makes everything right with your world. I know that won't always be the case so I'm trying to remember to enjoy that while it lasts.
One final note, you like to be held A LOT. We love that you're such a cuddlebug, but you make it very hard to get things done around the house. You spend time in the backpack almost every day while your dad or I are folding laundry, cooking, doing dishes, etc. Thankfully you really enjoy it, I, however, wish you didn't pull my hair so much while you were up there.
I'm guessing that next months post will include some new skills for you. While I'm looking forward to those, I'd also like to be able to stop time and keep you where you're at for just a little longer. You are so sweet, so loving and so much fun to be with. As corny as this sounds, you and your brother complete the lives of your dad and I. You make us strive to be better people, you make us question our beliefs, you make us think, you make us love more and you make us learn on a daily basis. Thank you for making us better people than we would have been.
I love you Makenna Brette!
Mom
Another month has come and gone. This past month seemed to go a little slower than the previous month, but I'm still in shock at how quickly you are growing and changing.
The beginning of this month found you pushing up from tummy time and starting to rock on all fours. I thought you'd be crawling by months end, but you'd get so frustrated that your progress was a bit slower than I'd anticipated. As the month came to close you were starting to scoot around and you figured out how to change directions. It won't be long before you're keeping up with me while on your hands and knees. You don't like it when I set you down and go to another room to get something so I think you'll be really happy when you're a bit more mobile.
You like being on the go. I'm wondering if that's your personality or if it's been conditioned since we don't spend much time at home. You really enjoy shopping with mom these days, especially if you get to sit in the front of the cart. You like being up high without a stroller or car seat blocking your view. You get a lot of compliments and people talking to you lately which you fully enjoy, as evidenced by the huge smiles and dimple you display. You also enjoy spending time outside at the pool and at your brother's baseball games.
Around the middle of the month you got two more teeth, within a couple days of each other. You've bitten yourself a couple times, and me too, as you've tried to figure out what those things in your mouth are for. You also grind them together which makes my skin crawl but causes you all sorts of enjoyment. You're also enjoying all the new food you can crunch with those teeth. Little bits of grilled cheese sandwiches are a huge favorite right now. In fact, if one of us have one and aren't sharing you scream at the top of your lungs. Speaking of, have I mentioned your temper???
Yes, you're a bit of a diva. I've already had to tell you "No" numerous times because you'll scream for things and continue to scream if I'm not getting them quickly enough. Your daddy and I just hang our heads and feel thankful that you and your brother can't gang up on us yet. Although we realize it's only a matter of time before that happens.
You have the cutest belly laughs and are so ticklish on your tummy and under your arms. I need to get it on camera before your little giggle changes.
You used to love playing in your jumper or exersaucer but lately you prefer hanging out on the floor surrounded by toys. Once you stopped constantly falling backwards I was thrilled to let you do so. You are so interested in how things work, as well as textures and sounds. You'll spend quite a bit of time examining toys and trying to figure out what they do. It's so fun to watch you learn and figure things out.
Just a few tidbits of info:
# of Bottles a day - 4 or 5, depends on if you're up during the night
# of naps a day - 2 or 3, depends how long they are.
Size clothes you're wearing - Anywhere from 6-12 month up to 18 month items. You're wearing some of your brothers old pj's that he was wearing when he turned 2!
Favorite Game - Patty Cake or Who's that Baby
Paci's - only to chew on if you're bored
Blanket - You're starting to look for your blanket when you lay down for a nap. I think it's so cute and love that you and your brother both love the blankets your Nana made for you.
Sippy Cup - You've just begun drinking out of one. You tend to get as much water on your top as in your mouth but you're enjoying holding the cup yourself.
Separation Anxiety - You've got it and bad. It got a bit better for about a week, but then you fell right back into it. You loooove your mommy right now. Can't say that I mind even though it can be a little frustrating when I have something to do or somewhere to go. That said, I love seeing your little eyes light up when I walk into a room. I also appreciate that just picking you up makes everything right with your world. I know that won't always be the case so I'm trying to remember to enjoy that while it lasts.
One final note, you like to be held A LOT. We love that you're such a cuddlebug, but you make it very hard to get things done around the house. You spend time in the backpack almost every day while your dad or I are folding laundry, cooking, doing dishes, etc. Thankfully you really enjoy it, I, however, wish you didn't pull my hair so much while you were up there.
I'm guessing that next months post will include some new skills for you. While I'm looking forward to those, I'd also like to be able to stop time and keep you where you're at for just a little longer. You are so sweet, so loving and so much fun to be with. As corny as this sounds, you and your brother complete the lives of your dad and I. You make us strive to be better people, you make us question our beliefs, you make us think, you make us love more and you make us learn on a daily basis. Thank you for making us better people than we would have been.
I love you Makenna Brette!
Mom
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Anniversaries
July 24th was the anniversary of the birth of my son. July 27th was the one month anniversary of a close friend's death. August 7th was the 14th anniversary of my wedding day.
As those three dates approached, I felt the need to do something to remember and commemorate each of them. An opportunity came our way through a cousin and his "summer" job. A summer job at Disneyworld! A summer job that would allow us to take a quick vacation for a realitively small amount. A summer job that would allow us to fufill a dream for Ryan. A summer job that would allow us to run away from reality and reconnect for a few short days.
So, I shopped for snack food and drinks, filled our cooler, made sandwiches, packed our bags and off we went. Two glorious days at the beach and two very busy and very long days at Disneyworld. It was wonderful! We left after work on Thursday and ended up driving through the night. Wayne took the first shift and drove until 2:30 am! We had planned to stop somewhere along the way, but I'd gotten some sleep so I decided to drive the rest of the way. We hit Clearwater Beach just after the sun came up. After a stop for breakfast it was on to our hotel, which already had our room available much to our surprise. We were suited up, fully covered in sunscreen and on the beach by 10 am. We proceeded to spend the next two days playing in the sand and surf, collecting seashells and fully enjoying two very lazy days. The Mister and I even found our way to the poolside bar where a few fruity drinks were consumed. There's nothing like a fruity umbrella drink to make me think vacation.
After that, we were on our way to Disney. We arrived around 1 and after a quick stop at the hotel to check in, we met my cousin at the gates of Disneyworld's Magic Kingdom! I think I was more excited than Ryan. Our first stops were to see Goofy and get Ryan a visor. Unfortunately, his face got a bit too much sun at the beach so some damage control was in order. We hit a number of rides, saw the show at the castle, and snuck into one of the shops to cool down and have some ice cream. That night we met my cousin at his second job and had a yummy dinner before heading back to the hotel. The next day included much of the same. We started with a character breakfast where we met the Mad Hatter (a friend of my cousin's), Alice in Wonderland, Mary Poppins, Tigger and Winnie the Pooh. Ryan got star treatment and, much to my dismay, spent a few minutes chasing Tigger around the restaurant trying to retrieve his hat. Bad Tigger! Ryan met the Power Rangers and got autographs from two of them, I think that was the highlight of his day. Well, that and his ride on Thunder Mountain. Have I mentioned that Ryan LOVES roller coasters. This made his daddy very happy. We wrapped up the day as the parade made it's way down Main Street. Rather and sit...or stand...and watch it go by, we made our way to the front gates and still saw the entire thing. By the time we feel into bed that night we'd had our fill of Disney and were ready to head home. We only made it to the Magic Kingdom and MGM Studio's so I'm sure another visit will be in our future when Makenna's a bit older.
The trip home was a bit more difficult than the drive to Florida, but only because we dropped Wayne at the airport in Orlando so he could head to NYC. The kids were great and slept through most of Florida, however, Georgia was an entirely different story. Even with stops, Makenna had enough traveling by the time we hit Tennesse so we ended up stopping in Chattanooga for the night. The final two hours were easy and enjoyable.
All in all, it was a successful family vacation. Many memories made. Lots of fun and relaxation. A few souveniers purchased along the way. Good times...good times.
As those three dates approached, I felt the need to do something to remember and commemorate each of them. An opportunity came our way through a cousin and his "summer" job. A summer job at Disneyworld! A summer job that would allow us to take a quick vacation for a realitively small amount. A summer job that would allow us to fufill a dream for Ryan. A summer job that would allow us to run away from reality and reconnect for a few short days.
So, I shopped for snack food and drinks, filled our cooler, made sandwiches, packed our bags and off we went. Two glorious days at the beach and two very busy and very long days at Disneyworld. It was wonderful! We left after work on Thursday and ended up driving through the night. Wayne took the first shift and drove until 2:30 am! We had planned to stop somewhere along the way, but I'd gotten some sleep so I decided to drive the rest of the way. We hit Clearwater Beach just after the sun came up. After a stop for breakfast it was on to our hotel, which already had our room available much to our surprise. We were suited up, fully covered in sunscreen and on the beach by 10 am. We proceeded to spend the next two days playing in the sand and surf, collecting seashells and fully enjoying two very lazy days. The Mister and I even found our way to the poolside bar where a few fruity drinks were consumed. There's nothing like a fruity umbrella drink to make me think vacation.
After that, we were on our way to Disney. We arrived around 1 and after a quick stop at the hotel to check in, we met my cousin at the gates of Disneyworld's Magic Kingdom! I think I was more excited than Ryan. Our first stops were to see Goofy and get Ryan a visor. Unfortunately, his face got a bit too much sun at the beach so some damage control was in order. We hit a number of rides, saw the show at the castle, and snuck into one of the shops to cool down and have some ice cream. That night we met my cousin at his second job and had a yummy dinner before heading back to the hotel. The next day included much of the same. We started with a character breakfast where we met the Mad Hatter (a friend of my cousin's), Alice in Wonderland, Mary Poppins, Tigger and Winnie the Pooh. Ryan got star treatment and, much to my dismay, spent a few minutes chasing Tigger around the restaurant trying to retrieve his hat. Bad Tigger! Ryan met the Power Rangers and got autographs from two of them, I think that was the highlight of his day. Well, that and his ride on Thunder Mountain. Have I mentioned that Ryan LOVES roller coasters. This made his daddy very happy. We wrapped up the day as the parade made it's way down Main Street. Rather and sit...or stand...and watch it go by, we made our way to the front gates and still saw the entire thing. By the time we feel into bed that night we'd had our fill of Disney and were ready to head home. We only made it to the Magic Kingdom and MGM Studio's so I'm sure another visit will be in our future when Makenna's a bit older.
The trip home was a bit more difficult than the drive to Florida, but only because we dropped Wayne at the airport in Orlando so he could head to NYC. The kids were great and slept through most of Florida, however, Georgia was an entirely different story. Even with stops, Makenna had enough traveling by the time we hit Tennesse so we ended up stopping in Chattanooga for the night. The final two hours were easy and enjoyable.
All in all, it was a successful family vacation. Many memories made. Lots of fun and relaxation. A few souveniers purchased along the way. Good times...good times.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Hi
Remember me? I used to write stuff and post it to this web address. Um...yeah.
So I've had a brief blogging hiatus. I've been feeling a bit raw since Jenna passed away. Guarding my emotions and sanity has been a priority and since I tend to lay those on the line when I blog, well I think you get the point. That said, scroll down. You'll find a few posts that I've been composing in snippits over the last month.
So I've had a brief blogging hiatus. I've been feeling a bit raw since Jenna passed away. Guarding my emotions and sanity has been a priority and since I tend to lay those on the line when I blog, well I think you get the point. That said, scroll down. You'll find a few posts that I've been composing in snippits over the last month.
7 months
Dear Makenna,
Your sixth month passed in the blink of an eye. In fact, it passed so quickly that I'm late getting to this months letter.
This month brought another trip to Chicago for my cousin's wedding. The day went off without a hitch, my cousin was a beautiful bride and you danced with your Papa on the dance floor during most of the reception. My cousin's girlfriends told me how cute and sweet you were numerous times, which made me swell with love and pride. You looked so cute in your dress, I wish I had a picture. Unfortunately my camera stopped working so I'm hoping the photographer got a picture of you.
We also took a trip to Disney world and the beach. You were a trooper and took naps on a lounge chair or in your stroller or backpack. You were wonderful during the day, however the nights were a different story...until I put you in bed with your daddy and I. Then you slept for the rest of the night without a peep. I hope you don't expect that to continue. You may have slept well, but we sure didn't.
You've begun eating more and more foods and seem to love everything I put in your mouth. You do really well with texture so you've even gotten a bit of table food already. Summer Veggies and Winter Squash rank as current favorites, as well as the little pieces of wheat noodles I've shared off my plate.
At the end of the month you started to develop a little seperation anxiety. I'm guessing it's going to get worse before it gets better, but I hope it's short lived!
You continue to have your brother wrapped around your little finger. He can't get enough of you and always comes running if he hears you fussing. The two of you play together a lot during the day, I'm not sure what you're going to think when he goes back to school.
You are still teething! I hope those two top teeth pop through soon. Thankfully Highland's Teething tablets help. Although I'm not sure if they really help or if the excitement of eating them distracts you from the pain. Either way, they stop you from fussing for a bit which is good for my sanity.
You are developing all sorts of new skills. You actually stood up, by yourself, in your tub at the end of the month. Your dad called me in to see, but I missed it. I can't believe you were able to do that already! You've begun pulling your knees under you and trying to push up on your hands. You aren't there just yet but I bet you'll be crawling before we know it. You've become much more interested in your toys and world around you. You're constantly checking things out and trying to reach things that are close to you. I guess your dad and I should think about child proofing pretty soon.
It's been a great, albeit busy and quick month. While I'm sad the baby days seems to be going so quickly, I love watching you grow and change. I wonder what next month's letter will hold!
We love you Makenna!
Love,
Mom
Your sixth month passed in the blink of an eye. In fact, it passed so quickly that I'm late getting to this months letter.
This month brought another trip to Chicago for my cousin's wedding. The day went off without a hitch, my cousin was a beautiful bride and you danced with your Papa on the dance floor during most of the reception. My cousin's girlfriends told me how cute and sweet you were numerous times, which made me swell with love and pride. You looked so cute in your dress, I wish I had a picture. Unfortunately my camera stopped working so I'm hoping the photographer got a picture of you.
We also took a trip to Disney world and the beach. You were a trooper and took naps on a lounge chair or in your stroller or backpack. You were wonderful during the day, however the nights were a different story...until I put you in bed with your daddy and I. Then you slept for the rest of the night without a peep. I hope you don't expect that to continue. You may have slept well, but we sure didn't.
You've begun eating more and more foods and seem to love everything I put in your mouth. You do really well with texture so you've even gotten a bit of table food already. Summer Veggies and Winter Squash rank as current favorites, as well as the little pieces of wheat noodles I've shared off my plate.
At the end of the month you started to develop a little seperation anxiety. I'm guessing it's going to get worse before it gets better, but I hope it's short lived!
You continue to have your brother wrapped around your little finger. He can't get enough of you and always comes running if he hears you fussing. The two of you play together a lot during the day, I'm not sure what you're going to think when he goes back to school.
You are still teething! I hope those two top teeth pop through soon. Thankfully Highland's Teething tablets help. Although I'm not sure if they really help or if the excitement of eating them distracts you from the pain. Either way, they stop you from fussing for a bit which is good for my sanity.
You are developing all sorts of new skills. You actually stood up, by yourself, in your tub at the end of the month. Your dad called me in to see, but I missed it. I can't believe you were able to do that already! You've begun pulling your knees under you and trying to push up on your hands. You aren't there just yet but I bet you'll be crawling before we know it. You've become much more interested in your toys and world around you. You're constantly checking things out and trying to reach things that are close to you. I guess your dad and I should think about child proofing pretty soon.
It's been a great, albeit busy and quick month. While I'm sad the baby days seems to be going so quickly, I love watching you grow and change. I wonder what next month's letter will hold!
We love you Makenna!
Love,
Mom
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Light The Night
Light The Night is an annual American Cancer Society event to raise funds for cures. It’s the nation’s night to pay tribute and bring hope to thousands of patients and their families.
Funds raised through Light The Night Walk support the work of hundreds of the world’s best and brightest researchers in their search for better therapies and cures for leukemia, lymphoma and myeloma.
I'll be walking in this years Light The Night walk in Memory of Jenna Jurgens and Brian Wood. If you'd like to donate please follow the link.
http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/2024_chandraharrison
If you'd prefer to order a magazine instead of sponser me as a walker, you can do so at the following link. Fourty percent of the subscription price will go to our walk team.
http://www.magfundraising.com/walkforjenna
If you'd like to find a chapter near you and walk in memory or honor of someone follow this link.
http://www.lightthenight.org/
The Mother's Group that I'm in will also working on a fundraiser for the family of Jenna over the next few months. We hope to raise enough to establish memorial funds for her three children as well as help with bills that accrued due to Jenna's fight with Leukemia. If you'd like to support that cause please let me know and I can tell you how to do so.
With the recent passing of my friend Jenna, this walk is close to my heart. We knew about the walk last year, we found out about it soon after Jenna was diagnosed. A group of us considered walking, but decided that our money and time would be better spent helping her and her family. With that in mind, we decided we'd all walk this year, Jenna included. Jenna will be with us this year, but not the way we'd planned. She'll be with us in heart and spirit and mind. She'll be with us as we pass the luminario with her name on it. She'll be with us as we look at the flames of the candles that all the walkers will be holding. She'll be with us as we put on our team hats or shirts that let people know we're walking in her memory. She'll be with us in the stories and tears that I'm sure will be shared and shed that night. It won't be nearly enough, but it's what we've got.
Funds raised through Light The Night Walk support the work of hundreds of the world’s best and brightest researchers in their search for better therapies and cures for leukemia, lymphoma and myeloma.
I'll be walking in this years Light The Night walk in Memory of Jenna Jurgens and Brian Wood. If you'd like to donate please follow the link.
http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/2024_chandraharrison
If you'd prefer to order a magazine instead of sponser me as a walker, you can do so at the following link. Fourty percent of the subscription price will go to our walk team.
http://www.magfundraising.com/walkforjenna
If you'd like to find a chapter near you and walk in memory or honor of someone follow this link.
http://www.lightthenight.org/
The Mother's Group that I'm in will also working on a fundraiser for the family of Jenna over the next few months. We hope to raise enough to establish memorial funds for her three children as well as help with bills that accrued due to Jenna's fight with Leukemia. If you'd like to support that cause please let me know and I can tell you how to do so.
With the recent passing of my friend Jenna, this walk is close to my heart. We knew about the walk last year, we found out about it soon after Jenna was diagnosed. A group of us considered walking, but decided that our money and time would be better spent helping her and her family. With that in mind, we decided we'd all walk this year, Jenna included. Jenna will be with us this year, but not the way we'd planned. She'll be with us in heart and spirit and mind. She'll be with us as we pass the luminario with her name on it. She'll be with us as we look at the flames of the candles that all the walkers will be holding. She'll be with us as we put on our team hats or shirts that let people know we're walking in her memory. She'll be with us in the stories and tears that I'm sure will be shared and shed that night. It won't be nearly enough, but it's what we've got.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
You're s-s-s-six!!!
Dear Ryan,
Happy 6th Birthday!
First, I have to apologize. I've been doing monthly birthday letters for your sister, but am only doing a yearly one for you. Unfortunately I didn't think of doing monthly letters for you when you were a baby, however I'm thrilled to be starting the tradition now.
There are so many things I want to tell you about the 5 year old you that I don't even know where to begin.
This past year has been an amazing one for you. You started kindergarten readiness and really excelled in the program. Your dad and I couldn't have been happier. I spent hours researching K readiness programs vs kindergarten for young 5 yr olds. After talking to child psychologists, elementary, middle school and high school teachers, men who started school early and those who didn't, I felt like K readiness might be the way to go and was thrilled that the school we're zoned for offered a program. You tested well academically but socially were still a bit egocentric so the K teachers agreed with my assessment. You were one of the stars of your class. Your teacher, Mrs. Schott, said you were such a joy to teach and awarded you the citizenship award at the end of the year. Academically you learned in leaps and bounds and by the end of the year you were reading! You also loved talking about letters and patterns and began working on minor addition problems.
You had two "firsts" this past year that we didn't enjoy. They included your first ambulance ride, emergency room visit and hospital stay and your first broken bone. The hospital visit was due to a case of viral and bacterial pneumonia which brought with it a bout of reactive airway disease. The doctors were calling it asthma but you've had limited breathing issues since then. We believe that when you get a cold your allergies sometimes cause it to progress quickly. Your first broken bone came about a month later, and in the middle of your first season of Soccer. You were playing on the swingset in the backyard, hanging upside down, and fell onto your elbow. You fractured the tip of it and wore a cast for about a month.
As I just mentioned, you played an organized sport for the first time this past year. You played both fall and spring Soccer. You loved your coach and enjoyed all the boys on your team, however your dad and I aren't sure Soccer is the sport for you. Your eye/hand coordination is really good and you've been expressing a desire to play baseball, so that will probably be your team sport this fall.
You became a big brother this year! I know I'm biased, but you're the best big brother ever. You are so caring with your sister, constantly checking on her, playing with her, asking to help feed or hold her. She loves you so much and you love her right back. You've now begun asking when we're going to have another baby. We think you should wait to ask that question until your sister starts moving and getting into your stuff. You might not be so thrilled about the idea then.
You learned to ride your bike without training wheels this past spring. You'd tried to do it while Nana was still here, after Makenna was born, but one big hill and your inability to stop changed your mind. Daddy put the training wheels back on, but at a higher level, so you were pretty much riding without them except when you turned. That did the trick and soon you were "4 wheeling" across the front yard minus training wheels.
You still suck your first finger, much to my dismay. It's yet to cause any harm to your teeth or mouth that we know of, however you have a rather large gap between your two front teeth. Speaking of teeth, you are so good at brushing your teeth. No cavities to date. Daddy and I are thrilled!
I'm going to end this with some of your favorites:
Type of Sandwich: Peanut Butter and Jelly, although you enjoy Turkey too
Vegetable: Carrots with Ranch Dressing or Salad
Board Game: Zingo or Hullabaloo
Activity: Riding your bike, playing in the pool or playing video games with your dad
Superhero: Tie between the Power Rangers, Superman and Spiderman
Flavor of Yogurt: French Vanilla
Friend: Connor. He was in your class at school.
Food: Anything sweet. Cereal, Pizza, Salad, Pancakes, Spaghetti and Tuna Bagels rank in the list of foods you'll always eat.
Saying: "too" It's your response when we say "I love you". You started with "I love you too" but it gradually became "too"
Name for your Dad: Dude
Color: Green, Blue, and Yellow usually top the list. You said it was yellow until you were about 4.
Ryan, you are such a great kid! You have your moments where you test your Dad and I, but overall you are such a joy. We are so thankful you're a part of our family and so excited to watch you grow and mature. We are so proud of you and I know we'll continue to be able to say that as you get older. We love you!
Love,
Mom
Happy 6th Birthday!
First, I have to apologize. I've been doing monthly birthday letters for your sister, but am only doing a yearly one for you. Unfortunately I didn't think of doing monthly letters for you when you were a baby, however I'm thrilled to be starting the tradition now.
There are so many things I want to tell you about the 5 year old you that I don't even know where to begin.
This past year has been an amazing one for you. You started kindergarten readiness and really excelled in the program. Your dad and I couldn't have been happier. I spent hours researching K readiness programs vs kindergarten for young 5 yr olds. After talking to child psychologists, elementary, middle school and high school teachers, men who started school early and those who didn't, I felt like K readiness might be the way to go and was thrilled that the school we're zoned for offered a program. You tested well academically but socially were still a bit egocentric so the K teachers agreed with my assessment. You were one of the stars of your class. Your teacher, Mrs. Schott, said you were such a joy to teach and awarded you the citizenship award at the end of the year. Academically you learned in leaps and bounds and by the end of the year you were reading! You also loved talking about letters and patterns and began working on minor addition problems.
You had two "firsts" this past year that we didn't enjoy. They included your first ambulance ride, emergency room visit and hospital stay and your first broken bone. The hospital visit was due to a case of viral and bacterial pneumonia which brought with it a bout of reactive airway disease. The doctors were calling it asthma but you've had limited breathing issues since then. We believe that when you get a cold your allergies sometimes cause it to progress quickly. Your first broken bone came about a month later, and in the middle of your first season of Soccer. You were playing on the swingset in the backyard, hanging upside down, and fell onto your elbow. You fractured the tip of it and wore a cast for about a month.
As I just mentioned, you played an organized sport for the first time this past year. You played both fall and spring Soccer. You loved your coach and enjoyed all the boys on your team, however your dad and I aren't sure Soccer is the sport for you. Your eye/hand coordination is really good and you've been expressing a desire to play baseball, so that will probably be your team sport this fall.
You became a big brother this year! I know I'm biased, but you're the best big brother ever. You are so caring with your sister, constantly checking on her, playing with her, asking to help feed or hold her. She loves you so much and you love her right back. You've now begun asking when we're going to have another baby. We think you should wait to ask that question until your sister starts moving and getting into your stuff. You might not be so thrilled about the idea then.
You learned to ride your bike without training wheels this past spring. You'd tried to do it while Nana was still here, after Makenna was born, but one big hill and your inability to stop changed your mind. Daddy put the training wheels back on, but at a higher level, so you were pretty much riding without them except when you turned. That did the trick and soon you were "4 wheeling" across the front yard minus training wheels.
You still suck your first finger, much to my dismay. It's yet to cause any harm to your teeth or mouth that we know of, however you have a rather large gap between your two front teeth. Speaking of teeth, you are so good at brushing your teeth. No cavities to date. Daddy and I are thrilled!
I'm going to end this with some of your favorites:
Type of Sandwich: Peanut Butter and Jelly, although you enjoy Turkey too
Vegetable: Carrots with Ranch Dressing or Salad
Board Game: Zingo or Hullabaloo
Activity: Riding your bike, playing in the pool or playing video games with your dad
Superhero: Tie between the Power Rangers, Superman and Spiderman
Flavor of Yogurt: French Vanilla
Friend: Connor. He was in your class at school.
Food: Anything sweet. Cereal, Pizza, Salad, Pancakes, Spaghetti and Tuna Bagels rank in the list of foods you'll always eat.
Saying: "too" It's your response when we say "I love you". You started with "I love you too" but it gradually became "too"
Name for your Dad: Dude
Color: Green, Blue, and Yellow usually top the list. You said it was yellow until you were about 4.
Ryan, you are such a great kid! You have your moments where you test your Dad and I, but overall you are such a joy. We are so thankful you're a part of our family and so excited to watch you grow and mature. We are so proud of you and I know we'll continue to be able to say that as you get older. We love you!
Love,
Mom
Friday, July 06, 2007
Grief
I've led a pretty charmed life. My exposure to loss and grief has been fairly minimal. With that in mind I wondered how I would feel as I worked through the emotions of Jenna's passing. I must say I've been knocked over by the intensity of it.
Prior to this, the height of emotion surrounding a death occurred at the funerals I've attended or at the time of the phone call giving me the news that someone I knew and loved had passed away. I certainly experienced lingering periods of sadness and spent plenty of time thinking about memories I shared with that person. I cried off and on over a period of time, but as the saying goes, time heals all wounds. As time passed, it really did get easier to think of my loved one with a smile instead of tears.
My most intense visits with grief have been with people I didn't spend much time with. A friends' 9 year old daughter who, coincidentally, died of Leukemia, a friends’ dad who passed away unexpectedly at a young age, my husbands’ 14 year old nephew who committed suicide.
Each of those funerals was incredibly difficult.
Jenna's funeral was incredibly difficult.
Based on history, I expected her wake and funeral to be the hardest moments of dealing with the loss of such a wonderful friend. I was so naive. I had yet to understand just how difficult life would be without her. I've spent hours in the middle of the night tossing and turning, thinking of Jenna and trying to stay in a dream that she was a part of. (Interestingly enough, she's had long hair in my dreams each night. I can't help but think it's because she's free from cancer now.) I've had moments where I wanted to tell her something and after I hit her number on speed dial or commit it to memory so I can tell her at a later time, I remember...I can't tell her. I break into tears over nothing. Then I start thinking about the fun times we had, about the funny stories we shared, about the beautiful children she left behind and what a legacy she left them with her blog and love of pictures.
There are moments of peace, knowing that Jenna and Will are together in Heaven along with the two babies she miscarried. There are moments of anger because Ashlee, Kait and Jake are much too young to have lost the mother who dedicated her life to them. There is intense sadness for the husband she shared a great love with, the brother who was prepared to save his sister's life, the sister who lost her mentor, the mother who lost not only a daughter but a friend, the dad who spent days next to his daughter's hospital bed in the midst of his own health issues, the mother in law that loved her like a daughter not a daughter in law, the sister in law that lost a friend and a constant cheerleader. The list could go on and on because Jenna touched so many people. She was better than anyone I know at keeping in touch with those she cared about and she really cared about most people she knew.
As I try to wrap my head and my heart around her loss, I feel myself withdrawing. It's hard to talk with people that didn't know Jenna because I feel like my grief radiates from me. It's hard to talk with friends that are as grief stricken as I, because that much grief is painfully intense. It's hard to talk about the daily minutia because it seems so inconsequential. It's hard to think about the monumental loss that Jenna's family and friends are dealing with. To put it bluntly, grief sucks.
I've done this withdrawl thing once before in my life. Our numerous IVF's and miscarriages had me raw, antisocial and physically and emotionally exhausted. Jenna was such a great friend during that time. (Just for the record, she was always a great friend, but especially so during that time.) She constantly called and invited me to things and rarely took no for an answer. She offered to watch Ryan so Wayne and I could have time together. She, and a couple others, listened to my endless talk of shots, embryos, sperm samples, follicles, ICSI, insurance and betas. Between her constant calls and invites, and some much needed time with my mom, I slowly started to live in the moment again.
So here's my question...with Jenna gone, how do I remember to live in the moment?
I guess the answer to that is in the moments of laughter I share with friends as we reminisce about our times with Jenna. It's in the belly laughs my son lets out when he's done something funny. It's in the bunny kisses my daugher initiates numerous times each day. It's in the kisses from my husband and conversations with those I love. I know Jenna wouldn't want people to be sad, well at least not for long, but I also know it's human nature to mourn. Living in the moment will be back, but for now I grieve the loss of my friend and try to remember to appreciate the little things.
Prior to this, the height of emotion surrounding a death occurred at the funerals I've attended or at the time of the phone call giving me the news that someone I knew and loved had passed away. I certainly experienced lingering periods of sadness and spent plenty of time thinking about memories I shared with that person. I cried off and on over a period of time, but as the saying goes, time heals all wounds. As time passed, it really did get easier to think of my loved one with a smile instead of tears.
My most intense visits with grief have been with people I didn't spend much time with. A friends' 9 year old daughter who, coincidentally, died of Leukemia, a friends’ dad who passed away unexpectedly at a young age, my husbands’ 14 year old nephew who committed suicide.
Each of those funerals was incredibly difficult.
Jenna's funeral was incredibly difficult.
Based on history, I expected her wake and funeral to be the hardest moments of dealing with the loss of such a wonderful friend. I was so naive. I had yet to understand just how difficult life would be without her. I've spent hours in the middle of the night tossing and turning, thinking of Jenna and trying to stay in a dream that she was a part of. (Interestingly enough, she's had long hair in my dreams each night. I can't help but think it's because she's free from cancer now.) I've had moments where I wanted to tell her something and after I hit her number on speed dial or commit it to memory so I can tell her at a later time, I remember...I can't tell her. I break into tears over nothing. Then I start thinking about the fun times we had, about the funny stories we shared, about the beautiful children she left behind and what a legacy she left them with her blog and love of pictures.
There are moments of peace, knowing that Jenna and Will are together in Heaven along with the two babies she miscarried. There are moments of anger because Ashlee, Kait and Jake are much too young to have lost the mother who dedicated her life to them. There is intense sadness for the husband she shared a great love with, the brother who was prepared to save his sister's life, the sister who lost her mentor, the mother who lost not only a daughter but a friend, the dad who spent days next to his daughter's hospital bed in the midst of his own health issues, the mother in law that loved her like a daughter not a daughter in law, the sister in law that lost a friend and a constant cheerleader. The list could go on and on because Jenna touched so many people. She was better than anyone I know at keeping in touch with those she cared about and she really cared about most people she knew.
As I try to wrap my head and my heart around her loss, I feel myself withdrawing. It's hard to talk with people that didn't know Jenna because I feel like my grief radiates from me. It's hard to talk with friends that are as grief stricken as I, because that much grief is painfully intense. It's hard to talk about the daily minutia because it seems so inconsequential. It's hard to think about the monumental loss that Jenna's family and friends are dealing with. To put it bluntly, grief sucks.
I've done this withdrawl thing once before in my life. Our numerous IVF's and miscarriages had me raw, antisocial and physically and emotionally exhausted. Jenna was such a great friend during that time. (Just for the record, she was always a great friend, but especially so during that time.) She constantly called and invited me to things and rarely took no for an answer. She offered to watch Ryan so Wayne and I could have time together. She, and a couple others, listened to my endless talk of shots, embryos, sperm samples, follicles, ICSI, insurance and betas. Between her constant calls and invites, and some much needed time with my mom, I slowly started to live in the moment again.
So here's my question...with Jenna gone, how do I remember to live in the moment?
I guess the answer to that is in the moments of laughter I share with friends as we reminisce about our times with Jenna. It's in the belly laughs my son lets out when he's done something funny. It's in the bunny kisses my daugher initiates numerous times each day. It's in the kisses from my husband and conversations with those I love. I know Jenna wouldn't want people to be sad, well at least not for long, but I also know it's human nature to mourn. Living in the moment will be back, but for now I grieve the loss of my friend and try to remember to appreciate the little things.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
One Week
A week ago, at this time, I was talking to Jenna on the phone. We laughed about how she was slurring her words just a bit due to being morphine drunk and I sent her pictures of me in a dress I'm considering wearing to my cousin's wedding. It's rather low cut, so I wasn't sure about it. Jenna loved a good cleavage shot, so I asked her opinion. She talked about all the things she wanted for her room so that it would be colorful and full of pictures and life. She especially wanted the calendar Jacy made for her during her first "jail" stay. She was so excited for her visit with her girls and mom later in the day and trying to decide what to have for lunch. A friend was coming to visit and Jenna was hoping she'd bring take out. We talked about her trip to the beach and how much she loved that time with her family even though she was in so much pain from her leg.
I was watching a friends kids at the time and Jenna wanted to call her friend that was going to visit, so we cut the conversation short. I said I'd call her later that day or the next morning. I wasn't able to call back that afternoon and when I called the next morning her phone just rang.
That final conversation included lots of things that Jenna and I often chatted about...family, friends, food, fashion. We giggled a number of times. I'm glad I didn't know it would be our last conversation. I would have been too sad to just enjoy the chat and our friendship. On the other hand I wish I knew I wouldn't talk to her again, there's so much more I would have said.
I was watching a friends kids at the time and Jenna wanted to call her friend that was going to visit, so we cut the conversation short. I said I'd call her later that day or the next morning. I wasn't able to call back that afternoon and when I called the next morning her phone just rang.
That final conversation included lots of things that Jenna and I often chatted about...family, friends, food, fashion. We giggled a number of times. I'm glad I didn't know it would be our last conversation. I would have been too sad to just enjoy the chat and our friendship. On the other hand I wish I knew I wouldn't talk to her again, there's so much more I would have said.
6 Months!
Dear Makenna,
Happy six month birthday!
This past month has been an exciting one for you with lots of firsts.
The month kicked off with a trip to Chicago for my cousin Colleen's bridal shower and bachelorette party. You and I traveled by ourselves and the boys stayed home. You did so well on the plane and to my delight slept for most of the flight. You met a lot of my mom's family for the first time and enjoyed being held constantly by your Nana or one of my many aunts. I was so impressed by how flexible you were during the trip. We slept in a couple different places, and you seemed to adapt pretty easily. We toured the home of Frank Lloyd Wright and while you got a little fussy because you were tired, we all managed to enjoy the tour. In true Irish fashion, you went to your first pub...or three. Thankfully, all the pubs were smoke free so you and I could join the rest of the family. You also had your first sips of water. We were window shopping one morning and you seemed really hot in your stroller. You appeared to enjoy the cold water and I'm sure the puddle of it on your chest helped cool you down too. You still spit up all the time and I think you managed to get each of my aunts a couple times during our visit. Thank goodness for the Tide to go pen.
I finally found a Whole Foods that carried the bottles I'd been searching for. I'm so happy to have them because the glass bottles we've been using leak all the time. The new bottles are plastic but BPA free and they also have the colic reduction insert similar to the Dr. Brown's bottles. A sippy cup of the same plastic was also purchased. I can hardly believe you'll be drinking out of one of those before too long.
You love to play with your feet and spend quite a bit of time grabbing at your toes. You've also discovered how to hold things with two hands and check them out. Prior to this, you would bat at things and grab onto them, but you had a difficult time moving them around in a controlled fashion.
You have yet to get any more teeth. It feels as though the teeth on either side of your two bottom teeth will be coming in soon. If the constant gnawing on your fingers and drooling is any indication those teeth will be breaking through your gums any minute!
You're a great sleeper, even though you've been a bit restless the last couple nights. I attribute your wakefullness to teething, a cold and maybe a growth spurt. I really hope that's the case and you start sleeping through the night again soon! In case you aren't aware, your mom and dad really like their sleep.
You still love to play pat-a-cake and peekaboo, and now you initiate bunny kisses and open mouthed, slobbery "kisses" on the side of our faces. It always catches me off guard when you bonk foreheads with me and rub your nose back and forth against mine. We both usually end up with red spot on our foreheads...but it's well worth the red spot for a bunny kiss!
You have a quick and easy smile. All I have to do is glance at you and one of your big grins appears, often accompanied by your frog croak. You make this noise when you're happy and it makes the rest of us laugh, which in turn makes you do it more or if you're really tickled you'll belly laugh. Your smile is still as evident in your eyes as it is on your mouth. I love to watch the twinkle in your eyes when you're happy or think something is funny.
You're ticklish. You can blame me for that, I'm really ticklish too. When your dad and I were dating he used to tickle me all the time. Now I can usually get out of a good tickle match by pulling your brother into the mix. He's really ticklish too and LOVES to be tickled until he screams "mercyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
You continue to grow like a weed. At your well visit you weighed in at 20 lbs and 26.5 inches. That puts you at 97% in weight and 78% for height. Have I mentioned that the pediatrician guesstimates you'll be about 5'9" as an adult.
Your a bit of a drama queen. If we don't respond quickly enough or in the way you want you get really mad and scream at the top of your lungs. I'm not a fan of these moments now, I can only imagine how trying they'll be when you're two. Thankfully you can be pulled out of a temper tantrum as quickly as you fall into one and the only time you get fussy is if you're tired or hungry.
You can sit up for a few minutes at a time now and are really proud of that skill. You talk and smile the whole time. I think you like it so well because you can reach your toes really easily. Those toes and your doll are your two favorite toys currently.
Your introduction to different foods has been fun. As I give you bites I often make an "Mmmmmmm" sound. Now, as you eat you constanly make that sound. It's amazing to watch you change and develop and start communicating through actions and noises. Along that line of thought, we've started signing with you. So far we're using the signs for drink, eat, all done, more and tired. You seem intrigued by the hand motions, I'll be interested to see when you start doing them yourself.
I love you Makenna, you're my favorite girl!
Love,
Mom
Happy six month birthday!
This past month has been an exciting one for you with lots of firsts.
The month kicked off with a trip to Chicago for my cousin Colleen's bridal shower and bachelorette party. You and I traveled by ourselves and the boys stayed home. You did so well on the plane and to my delight slept for most of the flight. You met a lot of my mom's family for the first time and enjoyed being held constantly by your Nana or one of my many aunts. I was so impressed by how flexible you were during the trip. We slept in a couple different places, and you seemed to adapt pretty easily. We toured the home of Frank Lloyd Wright and while you got a little fussy because you were tired, we all managed to enjoy the tour. In true Irish fashion, you went to your first pub...or three. Thankfully, all the pubs were smoke free so you and I could join the rest of the family. You also had your first sips of water. We were window shopping one morning and you seemed really hot in your stroller. You appeared to enjoy the cold water and I'm sure the puddle of it on your chest helped cool you down too. You still spit up all the time and I think you managed to get each of my aunts a couple times during our visit. Thank goodness for the Tide to go pen.
I finally found a Whole Foods that carried the bottles I'd been searching for. I'm so happy to have them because the glass bottles we've been using leak all the time. The new bottles are plastic but BPA free and they also have the colic reduction insert similar to the Dr. Brown's bottles. A sippy cup of the same plastic was also purchased. I can hardly believe you'll be drinking out of one of those before too long.
You love to play with your feet and spend quite a bit of time grabbing at your toes. You've also discovered how to hold things with two hands and check them out. Prior to this, you would bat at things and grab onto them, but you had a difficult time moving them around in a controlled fashion.
You have yet to get any more teeth. It feels as though the teeth on either side of your two bottom teeth will be coming in soon. If the constant gnawing on your fingers and drooling is any indication those teeth will be breaking through your gums any minute!
You're a great sleeper, even though you've been a bit restless the last couple nights. I attribute your wakefullness to teething, a cold and maybe a growth spurt. I really hope that's the case and you start sleeping through the night again soon! In case you aren't aware, your mom and dad really like their sleep.
You still love to play pat-a-cake and peekaboo, and now you initiate bunny kisses and open mouthed, slobbery "kisses" on the side of our faces. It always catches me off guard when you bonk foreheads with me and rub your nose back and forth against mine. We both usually end up with red spot on our foreheads...but it's well worth the red spot for a bunny kiss!
You have a quick and easy smile. All I have to do is glance at you and one of your big grins appears, often accompanied by your frog croak. You make this noise when you're happy and it makes the rest of us laugh, which in turn makes you do it more or if you're really tickled you'll belly laugh. Your smile is still as evident in your eyes as it is on your mouth. I love to watch the twinkle in your eyes when you're happy or think something is funny.
You're ticklish. You can blame me for that, I'm really ticklish too. When your dad and I were dating he used to tickle me all the time. Now I can usually get out of a good tickle match by pulling your brother into the mix. He's really ticklish too and LOVES to be tickled until he screams "mercyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
You continue to grow like a weed. At your well visit you weighed in at 20 lbs and 26.5 inches. That puts you at 97% in weight and 78% for height. Have I mentioned that the pediatrician guesstimates you'll be about 5'9" as an adult.
Your a bit of a drama queen. If we don't respond quickly enough or in the way you want you get really mad and scream at the top of your lungs. I'm not a fan of these moments now, I can only imagine how trying they'll be when you're two. Thankfully you can be pulled out of a temper tantrum as quickly as you fall into one and the only time you get fussy is if you're tired or hungry.
You can sit up for a few minutes at a time now and are really proud of that skill. You talk and smile the whole time. I think you like it so well because you can reach your toes really easily. Those toes and your doll are your two favorite toys currently.
Your introduction to different foods has been fun. As I give you bites I often make an "Mmmmmmm" sound. Now, as you eat you constanly make that sound. It's amazing to watch you change and develop and start communicating through actions and noises. Along that line of thought, we've started signing with you. So far we're using the signs for drink, eat, all done, more and tired. You seem intrigued by the hand motions, I'll be interested to see when you start doing them yourself.
I love you Makenna, you're my favorite girl!
Love,
Mom
Friday, June 29, 2007
Reflections
A couple weeks ago I was on my way to Jenna's to watch her kids so she could get a transfusion. I was running late, as usual, and everything was conspiring against me. There was all sorts of traffic in our small town, I hit every red light, there was even a road closure and detour and by the time I made it through that I had to wait for a train to pass. As I was waiting for the train that morning, I called Jenna to say I was on my way but running late and told her about all the crazy delays. She laughed and said don't worry, it'll be OK.
Yesterday I was on my way to Jenna's house to bring her family a meal and groceries. I was running late, yet again, and frazzeled because of it. I was dreading seeing Jenna's family, her girls, her van in the driveway...knowing it would be difficult and trying not to cry. I hit every stoplight. Then road construction in the exact same spot. A detour. Come on! Finally, a train passed through and I had to wait. Ok, I get it. Hi Jenna! Thanks for making me take a second to breath and think of you...and laugh...and remember a conversation we had.
I really miss you my friend.
Yesterday I was on my way to Jenna's house to bring her family a meal and groceries. I was running late, yet again, and frazzeled because of it. I was dreading seeing Jenna's family, her girls, her van in the driveway...knowing it would be difficult and trying not to cry. I hit every stoplight. Then road construction in the exact same spot. A detour. Come on! Finally, a train passed through and I had to wait. Ok, I get it. Hi Jenna! Thanks for making me take a second to breath and think of you...and laugh...and remember a conversation we had.
I really miss you my friend.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Heartache
One of my closest friends passed away today due to complications from Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Along with her, the family lost the baby she was carrying. She left behind 3 young children, her husband of 11 years and a huge network of family and friends.
Jenna was full of life and never let her illness get the best of her. She continued to live every day to it's fullest and was one of the strongest people I've known. She was a very dedicated and loving mom, her children always came first. She loved to dance. Had a facination for reality TV. She loved to shop for her kids. She loved her family. She said what she meant and meant what she said. She was generous with her time and energy. She was an organizer, a planner, a do-er. She was a great wife, daughter, sister and friend. She was a great friend.
Rest In Peace Jenna and Will. You will be long remembered, sorely missed and forever in my heart.
Jenna was full of life and never let her illness get the best of her. She continued to live every day to it's fullest and was one of the strongest people I've known. She was a very dedicated and loving mom, her children always came first. She loved to dance. Had a facination for reality TV. She loved to shop for her kids. She loved her family. She said what she meant and meant what she said. She was generous with her time and energy. She was an organizer, a planner, a do-er. She was a great wife, daughter, sister and friend. She was a great friend.
Rest In Peace Jenna and Will. You will be long remembered, sorely missed and forever in my heart.
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